I am a medical prostitute.
I donated plasma today. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot! Someone told me that the plasma center in Longview was giving $50 for first timers, a $30 mark-up from their usual $20. So, being the greedy, materialistic bastard that I am, I went down there and didn't ask how much for the plasma. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot.
So for 3 goddamn hours, I had a needle that was bigger than the normal drawing blood needle. On the top portion of my arm, they had a blood pressure cuff that every so often, would SQUEEZE MY FUCKING ARM in an effort to push more blood through the needle. Look here, motherfuckers, I got a needle jammed into a major vein. I don't need any help pumping blood into it.
That sumbitch squeezed so hard and so long, that after it was done, my entire right arm was completely numb for an hour afterwards. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do anything with a numb right arm? My right arm is my jack off arm!
And I do all of this so you don't have too. If somebody ever tells you to donate plasma, kick them square in the nuts if they're a man. If they're a woman, slap them right across the face and tell them to fuck off.
"Oh, but Adam, this will help save someone's life! This is very admirable of you, despite you doing it for all the wrong reasons." Hey, fuck you. My arm stills hurts and I think my kidneys and liver have given up all chance at life because I drank a Dr. Pepper like an hour after donating.
That's it, I'm never donating blood or plasma again. And you know what happens if I don't donate on Thursday? They throw my shit away. I may just not show up. Fuck you if it's bastardly, it's my plasma, and my $35.
So for 3 goddamn hours, I had a needle that was bigger than the normal drawing blood needle. On the top portion of my arm, they had a blood pressure cuff that every so often, would SQUEEZE MY FUCKING ARM in an effort to push more blood through the needle. Look here, motherfuckers, I got a needle jammed into a major vein. I don't need any help pumping blood into it.
That sumbitch squeezed so hard and so long, that after it was done, my entire right arm was completely numb for an hour afterwards. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do anything with a numb right arm? My right arm is my jack off arm!
And I do all of this so you don't have too. If somebody ever tells you to donate plasma, kick them square in the nuts if they're a man. If they're a woman, slap them right across the face and tell them to fuck off.
"Oh, but Adam, this will help save someone's life! This is very admirable of you, despite you doing it for all the wrong reasons." Hey, fuck you. My arm stills hurts and I think my kidneys and liver have given up all chance at life because I drank a Dr. Pepper like an hour after donating.
That's it, I'm never donating blood or plasma again. And you know what happens if I don't donate on Thursday? They throw my shit away. I may just not show up. Fuck you if it's bastardly, it's my plasma, and my $35.
posted by Adam at
6:24 PM
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