My name is Adam, and I do stupid shit so you don't have too.
OK, I've never been one for good advice. Actually, I'm so ignorant when it comes to good advice, that it's amazing that I'm still alive.
Normally, I read the Tucker Max stories, laugh at his amazing ability to turn any situation into the most fucked up place on Earth, and realize, "hey, I probably shouldn't do that." Yeah, I didn't pay any attention to his advice on buttfucking.
Lemme tell how this happened. There's this girl that I never noticed until tonight that has had this crush on me. I know this because on the way home, she told me. Her car broke down, and she needed a ride home. I said sure, since I got off late anyhow and didn't want to go right home. We get to her house, and we start making out. After a few minutes of her blowing me, she tells me she wants to ride my cock. In her ass.
Well hell, every man wants to fuck a girl just once in the ass. So we go to her room, and start doing our little thing. In the middle of it, I start smelling something odd.
I asked her, mid-stroke, "did you just poo?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all she wrote. That ends for any comedic possibilites for me. From here on out, I lose what little grip on reality I once had.
She says no, that she was clean, because she wanted me to fuck her ass. I tell her to turn on the lights.
On come the lights and I see that my condom-covered penis is now covered in the foulest smelling shit on the planet.
"YOU JUST SHAT ON MY DICK!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?!?!?!"
Let's take a moment to recap here, kiddies: I...am the world's dumbest retard right then. And my dick, while covered in a condom, now has smelly, nasty poo on it. Now, you all know me and realize that I am smarter than most everybody I meet. I know maybe 5 people from college that are legimately smarter than I am, and I know about 10 total in my life that are smarter than me. I also have a very firm grip on reality.
But I fucking lost it here. I got home and took a Comet shower. The water was boiling hot, and I used a Brillo brush to scrub my dick. I got online and told Sarah and Cait about this. Cait left before I started wondering if this would break my fragile grip on reality that I now had. I asked Sarah if this is what made homeless people insane.
So, the moral of this story is: NEVER HAVE SEX!!! EVER, EVER, EVER, FUCKING EVER!!! And if you do have sex, and the chick suggests buttfucking, remember what happened too me. Some of you might bring yourself back from the edge.
Normally, I read the Tucker Max stories, laugh at his amazing ability to turn any situation into the most fucked up place on Earth, and realize, "hey, I probably shouldn't do that." Yeah, I didn't pay any attention to his advice on buttfucking.
Lemme tell how this happened. There's this girl that I never noticed until tonight that has had this crush on me. I know this because on the way home, she told me. Her car broke down, and she needed a ride home. I said sure, since I got off late anyhow and didn't want to go right home. We get to her house, and we start making out. After a few minutes of her blowing me, she tells me she wants to ride my cock. In her ass.
Well hell, every man wants to fuck a girl just once in the ass. So we go to her room, and start doing our little thing. In the middle of it, I start smelling something odd.
I asked her, mid-stroke, "did you just poo?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all she wrote. That ends for any comedic possibilites for me. From here on out, I lose what little grip on reality I once had.
She says no, that she was clean, because she wanted me to fuck her ass. I tell her to turn on the lights.
On come the lights and I see that my condom-covered penis is now covered in the foulest smelling shit on the planet.
"YOU JUST SHAT ON MY DICK!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?!?!?!"
Let's take a moment to recap here, kiddies: I...am the world's dumbest retard right then. And my dick, while covered in a condom, now has smelly, nasty poo on it. Now, you all know me and realize that I am smarter than most everybody I meet. I know maybe 5 people from college that are legimately smarter than I am, and I know about 10 total in my life that are smarter than me. I also have a very firm grip on reality.
But I fucking lost it here. I got home and took a Comet shower. The water was boiling hot, and I used a Brillo brush to scrub my dick. I got online and told Sarah and Cait about this. Cait left before I started wondering if this would break my fragile grip on reality that I now had. I asked Sarah if this is what made homeless people insane.
So, the moral of this story is: NEVER HAVE SEX!!! EVER, EVER, EVER, FUCKING EVER!!! And if you do have sex, and the chick suggests buttfucking, remember what happened too me. Some of you might bring yourself back from the edge.
posted by Adam at
11:46 PM
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