On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

I'm all in favor of school shootings. What? Ooh, boo! we don't like that, it's too soon. Anyone who reads this travesty of a joke of a blog actually know ANYBODY who was killed in a school shooting? No? Then shut the fuck up and let me finish before you judge, you bastards.

I'm not in favor of some loser mindlessly killing a bunch of kids because people made fun of him. Look here, Loser McLosington, EVERYBODY and their mother was made fun of in high school. It's called growing up. When people found out I cry when I watch Steel Magnolias, they reamed me about that until we graduated. And lemme tell you something else, if you're watching Steel Magnolias, and you don't cry when Julia Roberts dies, there's something wrong with you, motherfucker. She was the second hottest woman in that entire cast, following Dolly Parton. She was surrounded by ugly, most of it coming from Tom Skerritt's lanky ass. She needed to stay alive. Kill off Shirley Maclaine, if you must kill off a woman.

Nobody had a good high school experience, so you're not justified in picking up a gun and killing 30 or 40 classmates. This is what you to get back, if your penis is so small, you have to seek revenge: you go to college and become the next Bill Gates, and meet all these people again on their long journey to the middle.

I'm for a thinning of the herd, if you will. I had this epiphany as I watched this nature show on the Discovery Channel. I equate the teeming masses of our high schools to that of the zebra herds that cross the Serengeti. If anybody is a fan of Cheers, and I am because everybody knew my name, then you'll see where I'm going with this. If you're not, prepare for a crash course in passive eugenics.

Essentially, it breaks down like this: the students are zebras, and the men with guns are the meat eaters of the African plains. A zebra herd is only as fast as it's slowest zebra. Those who went to high school in the past 10 years will remember that the schools only got more crowded. In my senior year in high school, in an effort to crack down on the tardy students (because in this world of sub-standard educational systems where standardized testing is taking precedence over actual learning, tardy students are what cause this), by giving anybody who was late to class even once detention for a week. This practice is still in use at my local high school. Luckily, I graduated and moved on to college, where they let you come to class tardy three times before they charge you an absence. Once again, they're not focusing on a real solution to the problem, but that's neither here nor there.

But I digress. So, when lunch was over, the students would make their way back to class. Now, at this school, the teachers essentially knew all of their students by name, but were forced, by a bunch of pansy ass mofos on the school board, to enforce the tardy rule. Yet, as we went back to class, I couldn't help but notice how sluggishly everyone moved. And it's not like you could blame this on lunch. We were basically given our choice of which greasy junk food we were gonna have.

So then I thought, 'well, this is a nature problem. We aren't moving fast because as a whole, we are a herd and we think as one. It's a subconcious thing, where we move and act as one. It's true you have someone who runs around the side, then is hit with a massive wall of people. Ergo, if we eliminate the slowest people, we eliminate the problem of moving slowly and can get to class on time.'

How this becomes eugenics is that by killing off the slower students, you're killing off weak spots in the human race, at least on a physical level. After all, eugenics is the study of hereditary improvements of the human race through controlled, selective breeding. Maybe the 300-pound kid with glasses is a fucking genius, but he's slowing up the herd. This is the Serengeti, and his fat zebra ass would be eaten in a heartbeat.

After we've eliminated the slower humans, this drives the remaining zebras to become faster. Evolution happens. Then you weed out the dumbasses, and the remaining zebras become smarter and faster. You slowly weed out the undesirables, but in order to get this to actually happen, you'd have to start with young zebras and adolescent zebras.

A lion comes through and picks off Bob the Zebra, who was the brother of Bill the Zebra who was the sacrificial zebra in the crossing of the crocodile infested river. The next day, the zebras move faster, evading their predators. In school, you pick off one slow bastard, the next day, the kids are back in their classes in less than 5 minutes.

This may not be a popular theory, but you bastards can't deny it'd actually work.

Oh, holy shit. Reverend Jim Jones, where are you with your special Kool-Aid!?

I asked somebody what Scientology is. And now I know. Apparently, L. Ron Hubbard sucked as a writer, so he created this religion based on the thought that long ago, millions of years ago, there was an alien battle. And then something happened to these aliens, and now they inhabit our bodies. These little bastards, known in the scientific world as "germs," cause a negative energy called theta. And if you send these people your money, they'll ascend you to a higher level, eventually leading you to the supreme level.

Yeah, I can't make this up. There are no drugs that I've tried that would make me hallucinate something like that, and I've done some serious shit. Peyote, LSD, acid, angel dust, mesca-something, I've done TONS of hallucinogens, because if I'm gonna do drugs, I'm gonna be seeing weird sounds and hearing strange colors. And on none of it did I see or hear anything resembling that!

Two websites you should check out is this and this. The first, if you're too goddamn lazy to click the mouse, is the Scientology-approved website. Type in your address, town, state, and zipcode to see where your nearest church is. I'm saddened to say that, son of a bitch, even Marshall, home to some of the biggest dumbasses around, has one. The second is one I couldn't get to pull up, but you might have better luck.

I mean, I can see why the non-celebrities get into this. You actually buy into this crap, and you get to hang out with your favorite celebrities. Only somebody like Tom Cruise or John Travolta could be this goddamn stupid. To honestly believe that aliens came to Earth, fought a war, were scattered to the winds, and now reside in humans is beyond all rational thought. My first question is, who did the aliens fight? The dinosaurs? Actually, I'd buy that fucking theory, you know why? IT'D HELP EXPLAIN WHY THEY WENT EXTINCT!

So what ended up killing this invading aliens? Could that actually be the big bang? The universe created in that instant, wiping you out, and God creating Adam and Eve? Well, that's semi-plausible, except for one thing. You see, when God got pissed back in the day, He had a tendency to just kill everyone and everything. Don't believe me? Well, what about the flood and Noah's ark? According to the Old Testament, that killed everybody but Noah and his family. Are we assume that somehow those little alien bastards managed to survive being drowned?

No, that makes no sense, because you see, WE'RE STILL ASSUMING ALIENS VISITED EARTH! Earth is the South Central of the universe. No alien would EVER waste its time, energy and death ray on visiting Earth.

And, of course, I can see why celebrities fall for it. They're stupid. Celebrities are so goddamned stupid, because only somebody whose brain has been fried from the limelight would willingly give their money away. Well, that's not entirely true. I wouldn't be suprised if L. Ron Hubbard came from the South. That would explain the stupidity of this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some ass kicking to attend too.