President Bush is the reason you don't tell retarded kids they can be anything they want. Part 2

So Iraq holds its elections and guess who wins? The Hamas! Drinks all around!

But wait, in D.C., we have a problem. It seems that the majority has spoken, and they said that they want the dumbest fucking "politician" to run our country.

I have a question, a conundrum if you will: what in the name of holy fuck was Bush thinking when he had us invade Iraq under the pretense of freeing its tired, its poor, its huddled masses yearning to be free, have them start to enjoy the democratic process, then, when the party he doesn't want to win actually does pull a miracle out of his ass and wins the elections, he decides that there's no way in hell they can actually run the country?

Honestly, what the fuck was he thinking? Wait, don't actually ask him, he'll pretend to be deaf until you ask a safe, easy question that begins with you saying what a good job he's doing. Like at that Kansas university where someone asks him about the $12.7 billion that was cut from the education budget. And instead of answering that person, he plays the deaf game. You know, where he acts like the question is so incredulous that it couldn't have actually happened. I thought that Clinton was a piss-poor president who got lucky all 8 years, but you take the cake. You really are the worst president, and not because you're corrupt, but because you lack any sense of intelligence.

I knew something was wrong when the state your brother is governor of was the one you needed to win the 2000 Presidential elections. And things have only gotten worse.

Look, you stupid fucknut, this is your fault. You invaded Iraq for its oil, but you told us, your fellow Americans, that it was to free the people from an oppressive ruler. You got them all excited about an election, and just because it's not who you want to have win, that does not fucking mean you get to all of a sudden decide that no, they can't actually rule. They get to run the government because that's the rules that you laid down. I'm guessing that when you played Monopoly with Jeb and Neil, if they started to win, you'd change the rules.

I now want to leave America and go live in the country where the ruler has decided that people can't watch TV. Or listen to the radio in their cars. Or play pre-recorded music at their weddings. Because if I have to live in a country run by one nutty fucker, I want him to go all the way. I sincerely hope that someone assassinates Bush. Not because I want him dead, but because I believe in reincarnation, and he certainly can't come back any dumber that what he is. He's sunk to a new low in stupidity. He's at the Marina's Trench of stupidity.

"Because I'm Paris Hilton."

According to a recent article, Hugh Hefner has been after Paris to pose in Playboy since she was the wee age of 17. He's even offered her more money than she apparently already has. I'm not sure why Hef is trying so hard to get her to pose naked. How many people, honestly, are there that haven't seen that walking, talking whorebag completely ass naked?

I don't even have to try anymore. I just go to Google and type in Paris Hilton. And that's it; I don't have to type the word nude following that, I don't even have to search in the images portion of Google. I just type in her name, and Google does the hard work for me. Or, I could just type in her first or last name, nothing else and nude photos of her sucking cock or getting fucked doggy style What's really fucked up about that last part is that before I see photos of the City of Lights or a Hilton hotel, I see photos of her doing sexual things. Like sucking cocks. Or getting fucked with her green, alien eyes during the night vision portion of that porno.

I mean, I can kinda see why she doesn't pose. But at the same time, I'm thinking, 'just go ahead and do it. Pose and that'll be the end of it. From that point on, you could go no further in the sex industry.' You know how I know that? Because most people will pose, THEN fuck on camera. Paris did it the other way around. At this point, she's got nothing left in her, she has gone gentle into that good night. I'm assuming that having intercourse with her at this point would be like putting your dick in a coffee can.

"Can you feel anything?"

"If you do circles, I can."

That's actually kind of gross, but it's also funny as hell.

Dumb and Dumberer

A woman is suing Applebee's because they served her 5-year-old son a Long Island Iced Tea instead of the apple juice he ordered.

I will repeat that, because it bears repeating.

A woman is suing a Manhattan Applebee's because they served her 5-year-old son an alcoholic beverage that in no way resembles an apple juice he ordered by ANY fucking stretch of the imagination. I think Applebee's should COUNTER-sue the woman for being a horrible, stupid parent. Son of a bitch, I never knew that apple juice was served in a big tall glass with a straw.

There's a small blurb of a story on one of the many links on collegehumor.com, and it is there that you can read about how the mom thought her child was just being a pain in the neck when he complained that it tasted funny. Or you can read it here, and wonder how one parent can be blind and stupid to her own child. I guess it wasn't until the kid started sitting at the bar, telling random people he loved them that she thought to taste it and find out for herself. Then he passes out and is taken to the hospital.

How far gone would you have to be to not notice that your child isn't drinking a child's drink? I mean, you have to not be paying attention on an almost astronomical level. First off, I don't care what shitty Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag-ish restaurant you go too, be it Chili's or Bennigans or Cheddar's or Applebee's, they serve all kid's drinks in a kiddie cup. I have seen my cousins order water when they were younger and sure enough, they served it in a kiddie cup. You know the ones, plastic with a lid on it. The cup itself has these little kids running on hills and meadows, flying kites and chasing butterflies, while a single red ball sits on the bottom of the hill. Just on the off chance that they might wanna play with the red ball.

That's what it's served in. And don't give me that crap about how they might've accidentally put it in a kid's cup because one just happened to be lying around in the bar. There's not one fucking drunk-ass there who would allow that shit to happen for a minute. You don't have kiddie cups sitting in the bar at any of those places because kids...aren't allowed in the bar.

So why is this woman suing Applebee's when it's obvious that both her and Applebee's are to blame? Mostly her, because if I were a parent, and somebody brought my child a drink in a tall glass, I know something's up.

"Uh, excuse, waitress? My eyes must be playing tricks on me from all the acid I've been dropping. Apple juice does not come in a glass like that. It comes in a small plastic cup with a bunch of loserish kids painted on the side."

Of course, whoever served this kid the drink is just as dumb as the mom is.