I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. At last we meet again. The circle is complete, when I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

This is seriously the coolest lightsaber fight outside of the actual movies. When you compare to it to any of the movie fights, it doesn't hold a candle.

I'm slowly approaching 300 posts.

So I went to watch the Benchwarmers last night. I forget that any movie that has more than one SNL cast member in the main cast, and not in a cameo, from 1989-1994 is going to suck huge syphillitic goat testicles. What's really kinda shitty about this movie is that while it's not based on a wholly original idea, it does have potential, in the same way I have potential. And like me, the movie is too lazy to even try to achieve that potential in any way.

Let me give you an idea of how lazy and retarded this movie is: the plot twist is that Rob Schneider wasn't picked on when he was a kid, he used to pick on the kids. In fact, he was so soulless, that he picked on a midget until the midget had to be institionalized. That's the "twist" as it were. It is the most contrived piece of plot I've ever seen in any movie ever made. When I saw that, in a theater with about 75 people, I shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!"

Apparently, screenwriters and directors decided a long time ago that a movie must have a plot twist, no matter what. Sometimes, they're good twists like in The 6th Sense or in Fight Club. Sometimes, they're bad. Like in The Karate Kid III or D3: The Mighty Ducks. And sometimes, they're not needed at all, because it just stretches out an already lame idea in the first place. Like The Karate Kid III or any kid's movie ever made. And sometimes, they're needed, but the filmmakers didn't bother trying for something fresh and original. Like in almost every single romantic comedy ever made. Look, a man lying about one small aspect so he can get the woman of his dreams or so he can keep from hurting her isn't a huge plot twist. The last time I saw a semi-decent plot twist in a romantic comedy was in Sweet Home Alabama, and that technically doesn't count because that was the hook for the storyline.

I'm trying to figure out why people still make movies like this. You know, where kids ruthlessly make fun of the nerds. Then the nerds decide to take a stand for themselves, by either beating the mean kids at a sport or some other event where the winner gains respect from their tormentors and from themselves. But before they get back at the mean kids, they must first go through a montage showing them getting better at the chosen event, being trained by either (A) a former nerd who's made himself rich because that's what nerds do, (B) someone who used to make fun of nerds, and realized the error of his ways or (C) somebody who has a soft spot for the underdog and wants to help them have their day.

And while all this is going on, it's happening in modern day Frank Capra-esque neighborhoods. You know the kind. Well-manicured lawns, white-concrete sidewalks, ranch-style housing even in places where that sort of architecture doesn't really belong.

And then at the end, the mean kids learn a valuable life lesson that nerds are people too.

In real life, the nerds wouldn't do any of that bullshit. They'd continue to get picked on knowing two things: they'd either get really, really rich and one day, be bosses of the mean kids. Or two, pick up a gun, kill the mean kids, then blame it on the same kind of games they'd go on to make had they gone down the other road.

But yeah, that movie blew.

Religion is about to get a whole lot sexier.

I use that adjective not in the traditional sense, either. Just to say, more exciting.

Two things: one, a professor has decided that Jesus didn't actually walk on water, but a huge, freakish block of ice. Word? In a land that is nothing but desert on all sides...you say he walked on a block of fucking ice? I don't know a lot, but I know that in order for you to walk on ice, the water needs to be frozen. And in a desert, the water won't freeze. Even at night. It gets cold in the desert, but not that fucking cold. I would know, I've been to a desert. And when you've been to one, you've been to them all. Jesus didn't walk on a block of ice, he walked on water. If the man could turn water to wine and return from the dead, then he can walk on water. End of fucking story. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. How could he be on a block of ice? Even given that's it a freak of nature, you're still out in the middle of a desert, fucknut. How's a block of ice stay frozen in a pool of water that's located in a dry, arid land with sparse vegetation?

The other is that a recently translated text says that Jesus told Judas to betray him. Now, I can't believe that his crucifixion was the result of both His father's decision and a practical joke, but I still find this one a little more believable. I have heard rumor of Judas' Gospel, and that's where this text originates. Jesus knew he was going to be executed, that's fact. When He's praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked God to pass this cup from him, but thy will be done. He even knew as a child that he would have to die for man's sins.

I find it harder to believe that Judas would just up and betray the Son of Man on a whim, than that Jesus had to give him a little push. If Jesus knew what was coming as a child, then most certainly He would have had to make plans for it. So what's he do? He has to have someone betray Him, so in that plan, He recruits one of His disciples. I mean, come on, He even knew that Judas would betray him, and told him so at the last supper. They had to act all Danny Ocean and Rusty from Ocean's 11. The remake, not the original. I hate to compare God and Jesus to a movie, but they had to in order to keep the other disciples out of the loop.

Of course, the argument on the flip side is that He also told Peter that he would betray Jesus 3 times, and sure enough, he did. So, maybe He did tell Judas too, and maybe He didn't.

So you want to shave your naughty bits, eh? Well, you've come to the right person.

"but shaved vaginas just look sad and pornstarrish" - blossom *not the former tv show character, but she does know who i'm talking about*

Look, I'm gonna write a book about shaving your naughty bits. Until I can flesh it out to 100 or more pages, just read this. Because I shave my stuff every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so I'd know a lot about this subject.

First off, be sure this is absolutely what you want. This is not something you can do halfway. Once you shave your genitals once, you gotta keep shaving them, otherwise, you'll scratch yourself raw down there. And it's happened to one of my testicles. So here is a handy-dandy list to help you in the shaving of your tool or muffin.


1. NEVER, EVER, EVER, FUCKING EVER under any circumstances shave dry. This is the reason I scratched a testicle raw for a good 10 months or so. Don't even touch up something dry. It chafes like a motherfucker, and leads to severe razor burn. If you absolutely must shave dry, wet the area and use an electric shaver. Then, rinse off in cold water.


2. Always use a shaving cream that has a rich, thick lather and contains aloe. Never use a gel, because gels don't work that well in protecting against razor burn. Also, get the shaving cream that's designed for sensitive skin. Baby oil also works, and actually results in a smoother shave.


3. You'll never cut your ball sac open, unless that's what you're intending to do. It's just not possible with a small, hand-held, normal razor. If you think that, then you also think that if you shave anywhere near your throat, you'll cut your jugular and fucking die. Well, if you think that, then leave, Grizzly Adams. I got enough stupid people coming to this blog without you.


4. Use a multi-bladed razor. Break down and buy a Schick Quattro, they work the best. It helps, trust me. When you actually start the shaving process, you'll notice it goes a lot quicker and smoother.


5. Change the blade cartridge about every 3 shaves. They get dull pretty quick, mostly because you'll be shaving a lot. The reason why you'll be shaving a lot is because the hair grows pretty quick down there, and that is an itch that even sandpaper cannot cure.


6. Stick to a schedule. Like, I personally shave Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This does two things. One, it keeps the skin smooth and soft. And two, it keeps the stubble from making me scratch all the time.


7. Use powder. A lot of powder! This keeps the itch away. I personally use Gold Bond, but regular old baby powder works just as well.


8. When you first start, use a pair of scissors to cut the excess hair away. If you pay attention to what you're doing, then you won't cut anything off. It's not that hard, and you just have to trim it down, so when you do take a razor to downtown, you won't fuck it up.


9. Don't worry if you cut yourself down there. It's actually pretty quick to heal. As in, when you get out of the shower. And it's the same kind of cut you'd get on your face. Just don't push down so hard.


10. Always rinse in cold water. Just like hot water opens pores up, cold water seals them off completely. Just rinse, BAM! and they're closed. This also helps if you've cut yourself and are bleeding a little bit.


Follow that advice, and you're good to go.