I'm slowly approaching 300 posts.

So I went to watch the Benchwarmers last night. I forget that any movie that has more than one SNL cast member in the main cast, and not in a cameo, from 1989-1994 is going to suck huge syphillitic goat testicles. What's really kinda shitty about this movie is that while it's not based on a wholly original idea, it does have potential, in the same way I have potential. And like me, the movie is too lazy to even try to achieve that potential in any way.

Let me give you an idea of how lazy and retarded this movie is: the plot twist is that Rob Schneider wasn't picked on when he was a kid, he used to pick on the kids. In fact, he was so soulless, that he picked on a midget until the midget had to be institionalized. That's the "twist" as it were. It is the most contrived piece of plot I've ever seen in any movie ever made. When I saw that, in a theater with about 75 people, I shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!"

Apparently, screenwriters and directors decided a long time ago that a movie must have a plot twist, no matter what. Sometimes, they're good twists like in The 6th Sense or in Fight Club. Sometimes, they're bad. Like in The Karate Kid III or D3: The Mighty Ducks. And sometimes, they're not needed at all, because it just stretches out an already lame idea in the first place. Like The Karate Kid III or any kid's movie ever made. And sometimes, they're needed, but the filmmakers didn't bother trying for something fresh and original. Like in almost every single romantic comedy ever made. Look, a man lying about one small aspect so he can get the woman of his dreams or so he can keep from hurting her isn't a huge plot twist. The last time I saw a semi-decent plot twist in a romantic comedy was in Sweet Home Alabama, and that technically doesn't count because that was the hook for the storyline.

I'm trying to figure out why people still make movies like this. You know, where kids ruthlessly make fun of the nerds. Then the nerds decide to take a stand for themselves, by either beating the mean kids at a sport or some other event where the winner gains respect from their tormentors and from themselves. But before they get back at the mean kids, they must first go through a montage showing them getting better at the chosen event, being trained by either (A) a former nerd who's made himself rich because that's what nerds do, (B) someone who used to make fun of nerds, and realized the error of his ways or (C) somebody who has a soft spot for the underdog and wants to help them have their day.

And while all this is going on, it's happening in modern day Frank Capra-esque neighborhoods. You know the kind. Well-manicured lawns, white-concrete sidewalks, ranch-style housing even in places where that sort of architecture doesn't really belong.

And then at the end, the mean kids learn a valuable life lesson that nerds are people too.

In real life, the nerds wouldn't do any of that bullshit. They'd continue to get picked on knowing two things: they'd either get really, really rich and one day, be bosses of the mean kids. Or two, pick up a gun, kill the mean kids, then blame it on the same kind of games they'd go on to make had they gone down the other road.

But yeah, that movie blew.