People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

I wrote this email to a website that is based upon the idea that pretty people only wanna hook up with pretty people. I found the link on collegehumor.com, but I'm too lazy to cut 'n' paste anything. So have fun, bitches.



This website is fucked up. How can you discriminate on anyone who doesn't wanna talk about "The O/C" on a constant, non-stop basis? Bastards.

Personally, I find this site to be, at best, hilariously stupid. But then again, I see your point. Germany got its ass kicked in two World Wars, one it indirectly started, the other it started in a direct way. And hey, Hitler's dream was to have a society of white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed people.

You're just, you know, carrying on his life's work. Congratu-fucking-lations, you're probably succeeding. The hot, gorgeous women are breeding with the hot, gorgeous men.

I mean, call it Darwinism if you want, it's discrimination based on looks. Sticking feathers up your ass doesn't make you a chicken, so have at it, Hoss. To claim that beautiful people are beautiful because they have evolved that way is, well, fucking stupid. There have always been ugly people and there have always been pretty people.

You know something else? In a few million years, if the sun hasn't imploded into a gigantic black supernova of fiery death that results in the end of the world, there will be ugly and pretty people. You know how I know this? No, I did not build a time-machine and go into the future. I know this because of common sense, and because Darwin's theory didn't have shit to do with looks.

It had to do with survival. I got news for you: ugly people will always fuck. And with fucking, comes breeding. Same thing goes for the pretty people. If your members want to have only pretty people, I suggest they look at the parts of a profile called the "photo" which tells you what the person looks like.

Plus, there's always plastic surgery.

The people of Alabama...sued themselves.

A 14-year-old girl and her mother are suing Myspace.com because the site does not protect minors from sexual predators. Alright, that's a very big and ultimately, grand project to work on. It really does show an amazing amount of maturity for a young girl to want to try to protect herself and her friends from skeevy perverts.

Except the girl was assaulted by a man she met through Myspace. OK, I'm not saying she's at fault...wait, yes, I am. To sue the website and say that it's their fault when you CHOSE to meet somebody is the same as Kim Jong Il wanting to "test" a missile by firing it at the U.S., then saying, after we fuck him and the North Koreans up, "well, what the fuck was that about?" You just can't do it, it's not good form.

First of all, no high school senior wants to date a 14-year-old. That's what the guy said he was, a high school senior. Seniors want to date sophomores or juniors or college babes. Or, in the recent months, their teachers. Not some cunty little 14-year-old that can't keep her fucking trap shut. Dating a 14-year-old when you're a high school senior is like me dating Wendy all over again. It introduces a level of immaturity and stupidity into the relationship that just shouldn't exist.

Secondly, this is her fault for putting herself into the situation in which she was assaulted. It's not like the guy started following her around then kidnapped her, no. She WILLINGLY met the fuck up with guy, WILLINGLY went to dinner and a movie with him and WILLINGLY went back to his apartment. Wait, what the fuck?! Since when does a senior in high school have a fucking apartment? Oh, his mom and dad weren't home? Did you look around? Did the apartment look like it was a domesticated pad of two working people and their high school son? No? THEN FUCK YOU!!!

You shouldn't be allowed to sue a website, when you're this fucking stupid. Granted, the guy shouldn't have done what he did, but let's be honest, she shouldn't have gone along with any of it in the first fuck place. You don't typically meet someone over the internet if you're a 14-year-old girl, not with the prevalence of sexual predators in today's society. You're suing because you say it's so easy to be molested, yet here you are, putting yourself in the position to be molested.

I usually see how the victim isn't at fault, how the perpetrator would lure his victim and eventually molest the other person, but no. Not here. In this case, I see how the girl put herself into the position to be molested and is now trying to shift the blame past herself. The guy shouldn't have done what he did, that's a fucking given, but the girl shouldn't have ever said yes to meeting him.

Now because she's a dumbass, everyone on myspace.com is gonna be punished. Thanks, you stupid bitch. And yes, I am gonna put this on myspace.com.

Texas: Land to some of the coolest religious cults EVER.

So I was the DAMN (Dallas Morning News) the other day, and I read a story about a group of polygamists that live outside of El Dorado, Texas. I think polygamists is the proper word to use here, I'm not 100% sure. Essentially, the leader is wanted by the FBI for being, ostensibly, a Mormon. True, the church of Mormonism has "outlawed" polygamy since about 1890, but to the truly devout, that doesn't matter. The truly devout of any religion are the extremists of the religion of their choice. That's why we have suicide bombers and Fred Phelps.

But what got me was that apparently, if I'm remembering the gist of the story correctly, is that the leader of this sect is wanted by the FBI for having multiple wives, not for the usual things that someone of his ilk is wanted for. He's never gone without paying his taxes, he hasn't stockpiled an ass-load of guns. He's just interested in pussy, and lots of it.

Now the FBI and the government want to shut him down, all because this guy loves to fuck. Personally, I think since we're fucking around here, that they should also arrest Fred Phelps, since he's become more anti-American than the Dixie-fuck-Chicks.

I want to make sure I understand this, because I've had a lot to drink today, and drinking kills brain cells. You want to arrest the guy who might be a racist, and might have some children as his brides, and might be a sexual pervert with those aforementioned child-brides, and is most definitely a sexual Tyrannosaur because that's the way he practices his religion, as an extremely devout and old-school kinda guy. But you don't want to arrest the guy who pickets the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq, and the Holocaust museum in D.C. and is reported to have visited Saddam while he was in power and was a friend to him?

That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. You can speculate all you want to about Warren Jeffs and what goes on inside the ranch, but you will never know. Even if you manage to arrest him, and you question him, what makes you think you'll actually believe him? This is the U.S. government we're talking about here. A government that has a judicial system that only occasionally works. A government that has said to the world through its actions, "we want our law enforcement agencies and military to be run by gung-ho, George III-esque patriots because that will stop other nations we don't like from fucking with us!" Except it hasn't really worked, not yet.

I digress. Yeah, speculate all you want on Jeffs, we will probably NEVER know what goes on in there. Do you honestly think that even if the cops manage to somehow nab him, all his followers are gonna come out and say, "oh, thank God. He made me marry this young, nubile, incredibly sexual 15-year-old with the body of a cheerleading porn star." That's an extreme, but I still went with it.

Meanwhile, we know what Phelps does, because A) it's a matter of public record and B) HE'S VERY FUCKING OPEN ABOUT IT!!!! Son of a bitch, nobody outside of the WBC have probably seen Phelps in years, yet he still pops up like he's fucking Cheney. I'd crack the Lewis Black here, but I say fuck you. Phelps' church have NEVER been one to hide their activities. They show up and more annoying than PETA, but there they are. They don't bother hiding themselves.

It seems to me that if you're gonna grab one religious nutbar by the nuts and tell him what he can't do, why not grab Phelps and charge him with being insane and totally devoid of any humanity? Crimes against Humanity. It wouldn't hold in court, but it'd get him and his fucknut children off the street for a few minutes. I'm an all or nothing kinda guy, and it's this sort of bullshit that pisses me off. Let's say that Jeffs isn't even married to any children whatsoever. All of his brides are the legal age of consent in the United States, or older. Then what's the fucking problem with him being married to 70 women? That's 70 different ways he's gonna get nagged. Personally, I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze in this instance. 70 different pussies and the ability to have some kick-ass sex orgies versus getting nagged by 70 different women, all of whom probably are different cycle? Fuck you nigga, and your mother too. And if I picked anything up from health class, it's that when you put a lot of women together for a long amount of time in the same centralized location, they can actually start, and end, their periods at the same time. That is 70 different bloody tampons just lying around.

And that's fucking gross.

But yeah, we should get Phelps if we're going after this other son of a bitch. If not for those other reasons, than simply for the fact the citizens of El Dorado just don't really give a fuck. Meanwhile, in Kansas, NOBODY likes Phelps or his church.

I made a supermodel laugh today. What'd you do?

And my mother, a few years back, actually got to meet Dustin "Screech" Diamond. She has photographic evidence to prove it. For those of you who never watched Saved by the Bell, leave this blog and never return. Seriously. That's a sacrilege to my sense of good taste and humor. That show was better than the Mighty Ducks and Karate Kid trilogies.

So if you visit my myspace page, you'll notice that my friends are 90% girls, and hot girls at that. What's really, really kick ass about that whole thing is that I actually know those girls. The one I'm talking about is Suhan. We went to Junior High West in Lufkin many years ago. Back when I was actually popular in school, and when I was moderately nice. The seeds of assholish-ness had been planted, but I hadn't fucked the plant yet.

Following the night of super hard drinking, I wake up at 4 a.m. and decide to see if I can find people from my graduating class in Marshall. I recognized one, and that one is Crystal on my friends list. I go ahead and add her, because for some reason, in the past 2 months or so, I have ran into an astonishing amount of former classmates from the class of 2000. I've used the class a lot because the word ass is in there.

Oh fuck it. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, titties, ass, ass, ass, ass.

I digress. I do the same thing for the class of 2000 from Lufkin High School just out curiosity and boredom. I recognize 2 that would also remember me. Suhan and Linu. Linu doesn't return my emails, so fuck him. Suhan did, and now we chat over myspace.

Anyways, I'm joking and crap like I always do. It's not flirting in my opinion, 'cause let's be honest, HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!!?!? My God, I asked out every cheerleader but her in high school. Son of a bitch, I think I missed out. Despite the implication that she's a whore, she's not. It's just, she's amazingly beautiful, and I want to take her out for a nice Mexican dinner. Or seafood, whatever her choice. I like to think that when a person types out "haha" or "hehe" or "lol" they actually mean it. Like, they are actually laughing or giggling. I also have this theory that really gorgeous women have the best sounding laughs ever. It's not a baby-punching sound. I hear a really gorgeous woman laugh, it makes me want to dress up like Spider-Man and swing through the city singing the old theme song to the Spider-Man show.

The sound of Wendy's voice makes me want to punch a baby. A jew baby.

I'm a Harvard man!

And the top reason to go to Harvard: SETH MCFARLANE DOES YOUR GRADUATING CLASS'S BENDICTION!!!