Pee-Wee Herman did not grow old gracefully.

I was watching TV last night, and I had totally forgotten that Adult Swim, which had lots of luck raising Saved by the Bell from the hellish depths of dead TV shows, was gonna try it's hand at Pee-Wee's Playhouse. You know what? It might just be me, but knowing that Paul Reubens has been arrested for jacking off in adult theaters kinda ruined the show for me. What also ruined it was...this show was and still is, fucking stupid. It amazed me that I could be totally infatuated with this show then and honestly think that maybe today, when I'm 24, I could still enjoy it. And that got me thinking: what are some other shows that people haven't seen in a long ass time but would still love? And so, a list of shows we thought we might still love, but really don't after sitting down and watching an episode.



Full House Here's a great a idea: let's take My Two Dads, make the Greg Evigan character an Elvis-lovin', motorcycle-riding long haired douchebag. And we'll add another "dad," make him an unfunny stand up comedian, then add two more girls, and stick them all painfully in one house in San Francisco that can somehow, inexplicably, hold 9 goddamn people and a dog at its peak. Yeah, the more I say it, the more I like it. Give me 30 episodes, and make sure the audience goes, "awwww" at least once per episode. This show was so bad, that nobody wants shit to do with it now, not even Uncle Joey. Friends went off the air, what? a year ago? Something like that, and they might get together for a Thanksgiving reunion show this year. Full House has been off the air for 11 years and nobody wants shit to with it anymore. I didn't mention Bob Saget because it just sucks to be him. He went from being a hardcore comedian to a nerd with a forte to clean obsessively.


Boy Meets World You can't really go wrong when, 2 seasons into a show, you pull the ol' Chuck Cunningham syndrome. Baby sister Morgan is sent upstairs, and doesn't come back until the last few seasons. Wait, what?! Why break the fourth wall like this!! I was so used to seeing just the two Matthews boys!!! This show was shitty to begin with, because nobody wants to see Fred Savage's little brother. We want Fred, and that's it. Thw show also sucked because one character had parents that left him and weren't really all that attentive. Hey jackasses: it's a sitcom, not a fucking soap opera. I want you to make me shiny and happy. Perk the fuck up.


America's Funniest Home Videos "Hey, you know what would totally kick ass? If we had a show that was Sunday nights that showed people getting clocked in the testicles or face because little kids did something with a baseball or other sporting item. And ooh, let's have Bob Saget show off his ability to talk in funny voices through high pitched noises, because fuck, the American people just don't have enough Bob Saget. And here's what would be even more kick ass: we add a second show, JUST LIKE THE FIRST ONE I MENTIONED, ONLY WE HAVE DAVE COULIER AND WE ADD A RABBIT WITH ANTLERS STAPELED TO HIS HEAD!!"

"Johnson, that's brilliant. You have a special gift, my friend. Don't hold that in a bushel basket."


Are You Afraid of the Dark? No, I'm afraid of shitty, kiddy, Nickelodeon shows that take their cue from Tale from the Crypt, water them down and then show them at 3 p.m. on weekdays, when the sun is still out. So not only will I not get scared at all, should I get at least kinda nervous, I can always look outside, where it's sunny and bunny rabbits are performing oral sex on each other.


Doug There is no 12-year-old kid that is anywhere near this neurotic. Nowhere on the fucking planet does anybody outside of 30-year-old women that have been dumped many, many times have the kind of delusional fantasies this shithead had. A 7-year-old locked in a closet doesn't have the paranoid delusions Doug Funnie had.


That 80's Show Because TV shows spun off hit movies have worked so well in the past, let's make a spin-off of a semi-popular FOX TV show.


MAD TV Hey, the one movie they made was so bad, the magazine THAT SPONSORED IT wanted nothing to do with it. Who cares? Let's have them do a shitty knock-off of SNL, a show that's at it's peak of shittiness.


COPS Yeah, like we need to give Mary, the Canadian Cutie more ammo in proving the American south is filled with retards and morons.


Growing Pains If you watch and still enjoy this show, you're what wrong's with America today. You're the reason why insane religious zealots still exist. Kirk Cameron gets a chick fired because she posed in Playboy? Are you fucking kidding me?! I'd give that bitch a pay raise. Or make her my personal ballwasher. Scrubbing and rinsing, scrubbing and rinsing, rinse rinse, scrub scrub.


Scooby Doo Fuck you if you like this or the movies. I will find you and kill you.

I enjoy casseroles and meat loaf. Tell all your single female friends.

I got the slow clap the other day. First I make a supermodel laugh, then I get the infamous slow clap. This almost makes up for the fact that I never get laid. Almost, but not quite. And some random dude named Chris apparently found me though Google and added me as one of his favorites. Now, I look at this one of two ways because drugs have me very paranoid: one, he did find me through Google, something I've never once been able to do, and I've searched through every way I could ever think of and could never find it. The second is that he is one of my enemies doing this to get back at me. DAMN YOU, H.R. PUFNSTUF*!!! DAMNS YOU TO HELL!!!

Anyways, slow clap story. This happened on Sunday, I told Norm about it in person, 'cause that's the best way to hear it, really. I was at work, and Sundays after a holiday are usually pretty slow. Towards the last hour of my shift, some jackass decides that he needs some beer. So he comes in, grabs a sixer (I have honestly forgotten what I told Norm, which was the true denomination of the beer, in terms of brand and actual bottle/can count) and leaves. Obviously we catch him, that's not the best way to steal from a store that has only one fucking in and out. And two cashiers working the big lanes. That haven't checked a customer out in 30 minutes. Or gone to the U-Scan, where the jackass claims he remembers every customer he has for 8 goddamn hours.

But see, here's the thing: if you steal from us, we always call the cops. 9 times out 10, we just criminally trespass you, and let you be on your merry way. Unless you have a criminal record, or have stolen something in excess of $50, we never actually have you arrested. Or if you act like a cocksucking jackass, then we also arrest you. Our shoplifter decides to go with door number 3. First off, lemme say that it was even amazing he actually stayed in the store and didn't try to run away.

The cops get there and in short order, he ends up in handcuffs, being taken to a car, screaming that the cops are just there hassling him, they never leave him alone, the usual crap you hear black people yelling whenever they get arrested. Here's what I yelled:


"Yeah, because the LPD just sit in darkened rooms plotting ways to get you back, you thieving fucknut. And that cop's first thought of the day was probably along the lines of, 'hmm, let's see what shall I do today? Oh, I know: I'll give some shoplifter that I may or may not have at the end of my shift a hard time for stealing some beer! Yeah, instead of serving and protecting the other citizens of Longview, I'm gonna give some jackass that I have no idea I'll have a hard time because, fuck me, cops shouldn't be out arresting people for stealing! We should be out congratulating them for giving the store one less item they'll have to liquidate when they close! Yeah, that sounds like a grand fuck day!'

"Listen, you retard, his first thought was probably, 'I want more sleep.' I know that was my first thought. The cop ain't out to hassle you, jackass. He's out to uphold the law, a part of which IS NO FUCKING STEALING!!!"



Total fucking silence on the front end, which has gotten noticeably more full. Cop and shoplifter are just staring at me, and then.


Clap.

Clap, clap.

Clap, clap, clap.

Clap 10x.

Clapping to numerous too count.


Go me.







*Wendy

Kim Jong Il: the only world leader with the mind of a 13-year-old girl.

OK, so when American troops cross the DMZ (de-militarized zone for the morons out there) and essentially blow North Korea off the fucking map, I gotta be honest with you, I'm not gonna protest anything. Except for wondering what took them so fucking long to want to invade a country led by the winner of the Asian Elvis impersonator contest. Seriously, what took you so long? Nobody, not even the French, likes anybody from North Korea. They are the assholes of the world. Bono won't even try to feed the homeless kids there. He sees North Korean kids, and is like, "ehhh, fuck 'em!"

I knew it was bad news for everyone when Kim Jong Il announced he was gonna launch a missile at the U.S. just to see if he could. What the fuck kind of logic is he using on that one!?!? It's not like your my neighbor who just happens to be good with tools! You're the crazy, kooky leader of a country nobody wants! You lead the 5th largest MILITARY in the world, asshole. A military, that I feel compelled to remind you, was in a war from June 1950, until a ceasefire took effect in July of 1953. A war, according to various military-minded websites, is not officially over. How the fuck could you not know that a missile can go across an entire ocean and strike at just about any city on the West Coast? Answer: you did know, you just think everyone else is a big retard. When the reality of the situation is, you're a huge 'tard, and I feel compelled to make sure you know. I oughtta print this out, fly to North Korea, and say, "hey, kimmie fuck gibler! Read this, you stupid fuck nut!"

But I won't and you know why? I'm sure you already know. You HAVE to know. There's no way you can't know.

And if you're country DIDN'T have the ability to launch a missile across the sea before, then holy fuck shit. That means from the time you started as ruler until today, you kept people from opposing countries out of North Korea based solely on your insanity.

"What country do we invade next? North Korea?"

"Hey! Have you lost your goddamn mind? He looks like a Chinky Elvis! We should just leave him and his country right the fuck alone!"

This is probably the result of him being made fun of in Team America: World Police. You think when he was a kid, he got made fun of so much that people had to thank him for all the good times they had?