I enjoy casseroles and meat loaf. Tell all your single female friends.
I got the slow clap the other day. First I make a supermodel laugh, then I get the infamous slow clap. This almost makes up for the fact that I never get laid. Almost, but not quite. And some random dude named Chris apparently found me though Google and added me as one of his favorites. Now, I look at this one of two ways because drugs have me very paranoid: one, he did find me through Google, something I've never once been able to do, and I've searched through every way I could ever think of and could never find it. The second is that he is one of my enemies doing this to get back at me. DAMN YOU, H.R. PUFNSTUF*!!! DAMNS YOU TO HELL!!!
Anyways, slow clap story. This happened on Sunday, I told Norm about it in person, 'cause that's the best way to hear it, really. I was at work, and Sundays after a holiday are usually pretty slow. Towards the last hour of my shift, some jackass decides that he needs some beer. So he comes in, grabs a sixer (I have honestly forgotten what I told Norm, which was the true denomination of the beer, in terms of brand and actual bottle/can count) and leaves. Obviously we catch him, that's not the best way to steal from a store that has only one fucking in and out. And two cashiers working the big lanes. That haven't checked a customer out in 30 minutes. Or gone to the U-Scan, where the jackass claims he remembers every customer he has for 8 goddamn hours.
But see, here's the thing: if you steal from us, we always call the cops. 9 times out 10, we just criminally trespass you, and let you be on your merry way. Unless you have a criminal record, or have stolen something in excess of $50, we never actually have you arrested. Or if you act like a cocksucking jackass, then we also arrest you. Our shoplifter decides to go with door number 3. First off, lemme say that it was even amazing he actually stayed in the store and didn't try to run away.
The cops get there and in short order, he ends up in handcuffs, being taken to a car, screaming that the cops are just there hassling him, they never leave him alone, the usual crap you hear black people yelling whenever they get arrested. Here's what I yelled:
"Yeah, because the LPD just sit in darkened rooms plotting ways to get you back, you thieving fucknut. And that cop's first thought of the day was probably along the lines of, 'hmm, let's see what shall I do today? Oh, I know: I'll give some shoplifter that I may or may not have at the end of my shift a hard time for stealing some beer! Yeah, instead of serving and protecting the other citizens of Longview, I'm gonna give some jackass that I have no idea I'll have a hard time because, fuck me, cops shouldn't be out arresting people for stealing! We should be out congratulating them for giving the store one less item they'll have to liquidate when they close! Yeah, that sounds like a grand fuck day!'
"Listen, you retard, his first thought was probably, 'I want more sleep.' I know that was my first thought. The cop ain't out to hassle you, jackass. He's out to uphold the law, a part of which IS NO FUCKING STEALING!!!"
Total fucking silence on the front end, which has gotten noticeably more full. Cop and shoplifter are just staring at me, and then.
Clap.
Clap, clap.
Clap, clap, clap.
Clap 10x.
Clapping to numerous too count.
Go me.
*Wendy
Anyways, slow clap story. This happened on Sunday, I told Norm about it in person, 'cause that's the best way to hear it, really. I was at work, and Sundays after a holiday are usually pretty slow. Towards the last hour of my shift, some jackass decides that he needs some beer. So he comes in, grabs a sixer (I have honestly forgotten what I told Norm, which was the true denomination of the beer, in terms of brand and actual bottle/can count) and leaves. Obviously we catch him, that's not the best way to steal from a store that has only one fucking in and out. And two cashiers working the big lanes. That haven't checked a customer out in 30 minutes. Or gone to the U-Scan, where the jackass claims he remembers every customer he has for 8 goddamn hours.
But see, here's the thing: if you steal from us, we always call the cops. 9 times out 10, we just criminally trespass you, and let you be on your merry way. Unless you have a criminal record, or have stolen something in excess of $50, we never actually have you arrested. Or if you act like a cocksucking jackass, then we also arrest you. Our shoplifter decides to go with door number 3. First off, lemme say that it was even amazing he actually stayed in the store and didn't try to run away.
The cops get there and in short order, he ends up in handcuffs, being taken to a car, screaming that the cops are just there hassling him, they never leave him alone, the usual crap you hear black people yelling whenever they get arrested. Here's what I yelled:
"Yeah, because the LPD just sit in darkened rooms plotting ways to get you back, you thieving fucknut. And that cop's first thought of the day was probably along the lines of, 'hmm, let's see what shall I do today? Oh, I know: I'll give some shoplifter that I may or may not have at the end of my shift a hard time for stealing some beer! Yeah, instead of serving and protecting the other citizens of Longview, I'm gonna give some jackass that I have no idea I'll have a hard time because, fuck me, cops shouldn't be out arresting people for stealing! We should be out congratulating them for giving the store one less item they'll have to liquidate when they close! Yeah, that sounds like a grand fuck day!'
"Listen, you retard, his first thought was probably, 'I want more sleep.' I know that was my first thought. The cop ain't out to hassle you, jackass. He's out to uphold the law, a part of which IS NO FUCKING STEALING!!!"
Total fucking silence on the front end, which has gotten noticeably more full. Cop and shoplifter are just staring at me, and then.
Clap.
Clap, clap.
Clap, clap, clap.
Clap 10x.
Clapping to numerous too count.
Go me.
*Wendy
posted by Adam at
11:56 AM
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