I worry about the gene pool I was sprung from.

I seriously do. The fact that my mother has been getting porn spam in her email box and is blaming me for that, is goddamn scary. Apparently, a long time ago, when I downloaded and used extensively Limewire, the computer at the house got a virus and we had to have it repaired. So now, I can't use IE under my name on the computer. Netscape will occasionally work, but it blocks out every single website after awhile.

So I use my mother's name, and she's just now noticing the spam porn.

"It says to reply, and I know what a reply is," she says after I tell her it's porn spam, not anything of actual worth.

"Well, alright, you got me there. Except that you can reply to ANY email. What the fuck do you want me to tell you?! That you're too goddamn stupid to be allowed to touch a keyboard?! IT'S NOT REAL! IT'S SPAM! I BET YOU GET EMAILS ON HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR PENIS, TOO! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED FILTERING YOUR FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS! USE THAT LUMP THREE FEET ABOVE YOUR ASS BEFORE YOU BLAME THIS STUPID CRAP ON ME!"

How can you blame the biggest nuisance on the web on some random person? Answer: welcome to my life, where my mother would rather blame somebody before doing the actual research because that's easier to do. Maybe this is why as a journalist, she sucks. As a teacher, she's A-number one, my man. As a journalist, she blows more than Paris Hilton.

And I have finally busted a nut inside a woman. I am man, hear me roar.