geekguy1982: i just got onto the myspace, and they're advertising some amateur film called "attack of the killer lemmings"
geekguy1982: dude, if lemmings went on the attack, they'd be unstoppable
provengodacielo: lol
geekguy1982: think about it; they do whatever one of them does and it goes through the entire litter.
geekguy1982: like in madagascar. plus, they reproduce like rabbits.
geekguy1982: if you had a pet lemming, and it's pregnant, you think, "oh, 3 or 4"
geekguy1982: then she has the babies
geekguy1982: and it's more like 9 or 10
geekguy1982: thousand!
provengodacielo: lol
geekguy1982: all of them pissed and hungry for blood!
geekguy1982: a pack of lemmings could easily destroy the world faster and gorier than zombies
geekguy1982: plus, i think lemmings are immune to intricately choreographed break-dancing.
geekguy1982: zombies are just re-animated humans, and all humans love to break-dance.
geekguy1982: the blood bath would never end.
geekguy1982: mankind would be ravaged by cute, cuddly animals that are considered the retard of the animal kingdom.
geekguy1982: can you imagine how pissed an alien race would be?
geekguy1982: "tomorrow, we attack earth!"
provengodacielo: lolll
geekguy1982: "captain, the earthlings have been defeated!"
geekguy1982: "...what?"
geekguy1982: "by very small, very cute and cuddly animals!"
geekguy1982: "my god! an entire planet devastated by one breed of animal?! pull the animal up on our computer!"
geekguy1982: then they pull it up
geekguy1982: and it says the lemming is not only fond of eating it's own poo, it is generally considered the dumbest animal ever. even dumber than the dodo.

Anyways. Tomorrow night is Halloween and Stuff magazine told a bunch of celebrities to weigh in with what they thought was the scariest movie. First of all, let me say that when you're 12 or younger, just about anything will scare you. But what some of the celebrities were scared by, and their justification of the movie is fucking hilarious. Mark Burnett was scared by Child's Play.

I will repeat that. The man who created a game show for a bunch of soft Americans to survive in a place where people already lived is afraid of a fucking doll. The best part is why he says it scared him. "It’s freaky. The doll kills people."

The man made Billie Jean, leave him alone!

So I have made a 180 in my hatred of Micheal Jackson. I realized that the man not only gave us the song Billie Jean, he also gave us his new form. When you look at Jacko, you remember that he thought you'd love him more if he became the white, ghoulish-looking creature that he is now. His line of thinking was, "they'll love me more if I'm white, with an angled nose!"

The second is that, when the zombie apocalypse happens, (please God, I beseech thee) that if you're attacked by zombies, you can escape by busting out into an intricately choreographed break dance.

Look, it breaks down like this: there are five (5) most effective ways to get away from a zombie with your life. You can hit it in the head with something blunt and heavy, set it on fire, run as fast as you can (or use a motor vehicle), shoot it in the head, or start break-dancing, old-school style. Cardboard box on the street corner break-dancing. Don't believe me? I offer proof. Look, ignore the fact that he turned into a zombie. That's just coincidence. Because that also marked when things went askew for Jacko and his face.

Also, let me just finish with this: if lemmings ever decide to attack the human race, we are FUCKED. But more on that later.

What the fuck were they thinking?

Sometimes, when watching a flick, I see a plot point that makes me seriously yell out, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!"

For instance, first of all, what jackass decided to put Vanilla Ice in TMNT II: Secret of the Ooze? And for that matter, who said, "you know what'd be awesome? If, right after 6 gigantic mutant animals bust into a dock club located in Manhattan, someone starts laying down a smooth beat and Vanilla Ice justs busts into an impromptu song about how the Turtles fight and their own, personal ninja styling of staying hidden." 'Cause while we all look at that scene now and laugh about it, and consider it on par with Academy Award winning flicks, we all know deep down, that scene is fucking stupid and makes us all go, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!!"

Of course, that entire scene was probably a pre-cursor to those horrible rock shows that the Turtles did. Now, I'm not an expert on ninja related things like stealth and the art of invisibility, but I am an expert on rock concerts. And unless you're in the audience and not flashing titties, you're not fucking invisible on a stage. I don't care how drunk I am, I'll notice a massive fucking turtle holding a keyboard or a guitar.

Anyways. Hey, do any of you think that they do background checks at IMF? Seriously, we've had 3 movies thus far and how many villains have they faced that have either come from their flock or had allies at IMF? All fucking 3? And how many times have they thought it was Ethan Hunt? All 3? At what point do the head honchos in charge take a step back and ask themselves, "you know, I don't think it's Ethan?" Seriously. The first time, Brian De Palma spent 2 hours confusing the audience into thinking it was Ethan, but we all knew it wasn't. No, not because we're the audience and are privy to such knowledge, but because it's Tom Cruise. How many times has he played a villain? Christ, he can barely play an action hero. How many people here are gonna buy him as a super evil dick with plans for world domination?

But yeah, the next M:I needs to use a different villain device other than "hey, let's have someone else at IMF turn traitor!! This time, the janitor!"

Hey, here's a question: am I the only one who thought that it was totally unnecessary to make Jason X? You know, the one where they set the entire film on a massive ship in space and let Jason just have at it? I don't mean unneccesary in the sense that the world needs another Jason film like everybody can use an STD, I mean it in the sense that, they only reason they made it was to see if there was sufficient interest in the character to make the kick-ass Freddy vs Jason. Dude; your core audience is made of retards, fuck-ups, bikers, and goth kids. That's at least $15 million easy. Unless your budget is running higher than that, and how could it, since you always hire people from fucking CANADA to be your stars and film the entire thing in a friend's big-ass garage, you can make Freddy vs Jason vs Chucky vs Mike Myers vs my dick and still make tons of money.

For that matter, was anyone ever scared of Chucky? No? Alright then. I think the fact that we laugh at him more than fear him and his 2-inch reign of terror is mockery enough? It's not, you want more? Alright then, here we go.

I dunno about you, but if I had a knife-wielding maniac chasing after me, I run. I grab my shit, I get out the door and if the kids don't move fast enough, fuck 'em, I drive off anyway. But if I can pick you up and literally throw you the fuck around, and you're the knife-wielding maniac, then maybe you should rethink all your life plans. Maybe take a step back and re-evaluate your decision making skills.

"Let's see, I am 5 inches tall. I'm made of plastic, a substance that burns and melts easily, and I am this way because after getting shot up, I put my soul into a doll, whose ironic name of Good Guy dolls lost its appeal after 5 minutes. Maybe what I should've done is just right the fuck to Hell. 'Cause this just doesn't seem to be working."

What amazes me the most is how stupid the people are in his movies. There's a plastic DOLL chasing you. You know this. Why not start looking accordingly? He won't be down low, he's never underneath stuff. He's behind plants, or in closets or hiding in a backseat. And let's also not forget THAT HE'S A FUCKING DOLL!!! You're in a room filled with antiques and suddenly there's a doll dressed in overalls and sneakers! Call Antique Roadshow and let them have at it, Hoss.

That's enough? OK, moving on. Jessica Alba doesn't look like a stereotypical blonde. She looks fucking hotter than a sinner's ass in Hell in the middle of July (assuming, of course, that the tempature of Hell changes with the seasons). Her as a blonde is a level of hotness the world has never seen. We need to watch out, 'cause she might set the atmosphere on fire.

True Story.

North Korea is now a nuclear power. I was asked at work today why the entire world was making a big deal about it, when other countries have had nuclear weapons for years.

"Oh, that's simple. You see, those countries, while led by mad-as-fuck-all leaders like Castro and Kruschev, they realized that shooting a nuclear weapon at the U.S. is like asking for having the living fuck beaten out of them. See, Kimmie Gibler, as I like to call Kim Jong Il, knows this, but is so goddamn insane, he literally does not give a flying fuck. This is a man, who a few months ago, tried to launch a missile across the Pacific Ocean, and explained his reasoning behind it was, essentially, 'just to see if I could.' Kimmie would fire a nuclear missile, and use the same reasoning, or say that he wanted to see what it would do. Or use the threat to keep the U.N., which is considering sanctions against him, out of North Korea. Of course, he forgets who our president is."

Then I was asked what Bush had to do with all of this. And I answered.

"Well, you see, Bush...is from Texas. A place that loves guns, hunting and the killing of anything. Essentially, when we had our last election, we the American people had a choice between Elmer Fudd or Yosemite fuck Sam. And we picked a man who has started a war with a country of religiously insane individuals to lead our country and help decide when we need to go to a foreign land and beat the ever living fuck out of someone. Kimmie Gibler needs to realize that if he thinks that he has testicles big enough to threaten Bush, Bush will remind that no, he fuckin' doesn't."

I educated the store, a group of people who are really too goddamn stupid to be allowed to pro-create, on world politics and the military.

Another true story is that the other day, I was discussing the finer points of Lifetime. Basically, I admitted to watching Golden Girls, then busted out into the theme song. A couple of customers saw and heard me, laughed, and I walked away. When I came back, I said I take requests, and the guy said, "how about Rocket Man?"

Here was my performance.

And the last true story is that I love musicals. The idea of walking down the street and just busting out into song appeals to me more than the idea of Halle Berry asking me to marry her, and as a wedding gift, showing up naked, in bed, with a jar of smooth, creamy peanut butter. Today, though, I got really close to my dream of being in a lifelong musical. We were taking a deliver in Tyler, and this woman had her radio playing. A song that we all want to sing along too and dance too was playing. The song and dance I knew. The song and dance, I sang and danced. The entire song I sang. The entire dance I danced. ALL of it. Let everyone rockhard tasty abs to this.

And I'm out.

Another movie review: wasting my money on admission, so you won't.

I have a theory on how you can judge if a movie is utter dogshit, or if it's kickass. If you can't remember the trailers on the film, it's a good movie. If you can, it's utter dogshit. The only flaw in this theory is if you're ADD like me, and you can't remember a trailer for shit, even if it's just shown. I only bring this up because if ANY of you motherfuckers go see that Borat movie, I will not only kill you, I will kill your parents, your siblings, your children, and possibly friends of yours who might be influenced to go see that. Because anybody who finds that jackass even remotely funny needs to have their entire bloodline killed off, so as not to taint the rest of humanity.

Anyways. Employee of the Month kinda blew. If any of you say, "well no shit, Jessica Simpson's in it" I'll stomp your guts out. One shitty actress cannot bring an entire movie down. Not even Tara Reid can bring an entire movie down. Nobody ever has, nobody ever will. A shitty IDEA that wasn't that great to start out with will bring an entire movie down. My whole problem with it is that the entire movie seemed forced. And like Dane Cook was forced to hold back. It's like they said, "be funny, but not too funny. We'll electro-shock you when you're being too funny." Then he told a knock-knock joke, and they fucking zapped him.

"NOT THAT FUNNY, GODDAMMIT!!!"

But seriously, it was decent. It was adequate for a matinee. The whole twist is that while the Jessica Simpson character does date the employee of the month at her old store, it was her boyfriend, but he was an asshole, so she dumped him, and got a transfer to a store where Dax Shepard is an evil villain.

I would repeat that, but after typing that sentence, and staring at it for the past 5 minutes, the left side of my brain came to a screeching halt, and turned the right side of my brain and said, "it's dark in here. And we may die." I honestly never though in my entire life I would ever use that sentence because let's be honest, you don't really expect certain people to play evil villains. Dax didn't either, he was a shitty villain, with a shitty sidekick, but they're in an almost shitty movie, so let's be honest, how good can he fucking be?

There really is more to the twist, obviously she finds out that Dane Cook is trying hard so he can get into her pants, and that obviously leads to the obligatory make-up scene. This movie isn't horrible, but it's not good. It looks good, but it's not. It even sounded good on paper, but it's not. And it's not because of Jessica Simpson, despite what the people of the imdb.com message boards would say. It's a bad movie because they didn't really try. If they had tried to make it a good movie, well then, by God, this movie would kick some ass. If they had given Dane Cook somebody that we could actually believe as an asshole who wanted to fuck Jessica Simpson more than he did, then I wouldn't have thought that some lame version of one of the lesser Jackasses was the worst villain in the entire history of cinema.

That's really my problem with just about every movie I have seen in recent memory, in terms of when a movie goes bad. The filmmakers not trying to make a good movie. It is possible to make a good film, watch a Spielberg movie.

I digress. Go see Employee of the Month if you enjoy Dane Cook or looking at Jessica Simpson's tits. And that covers just about everyone.

Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking arrest me?! You better get a fun-fucking warrant! Otherwise, stay out of my fun-fucking-face!

Apparently a Georgia woman is back on the kick of banning Harry Potter, all for the same bullshit reasons we had to listen to years ago when they first got really super popular. Her reasoning originally, and probably still is, is that Harry Potter teaches kids to be Wiccans through it's use of spells, potions and fantastical imaginary creatures. Then apparently, she changes her mind, and moves on to say that by allowing Harry fuck Potter, this will incite more school shootings. Yes, because the Amish read a lot of fucking Harry Potter.

Laura Mallory, the mom in Georgia who is assuring that her child is growing up friendless and spends his schooldays trying to keep his ass from being kicked had this to say. "They're not educationally suitable and have been shown to be harmful to some kids," Mallory said. That's right, you psychotic Christian bitch. SOME kids. Some kids are fine, others are reading those books and considering being Wiccan. And they will be really fuckin' disappointed when they join up with that bullshit religion. I know Wiccans, and not once have I seen any fuckin' spell or potion. And I've looked.

You see, what Laura wants is for students to be forced to read the Bible, which you know, would be a total breaking of the separation of church and state law, or as I have come to know it, the "Tough-Shit Law." But let's talk about the Bible hear, for a second. 'Cause if you thought that Harry fuck Potter lived in a fantastical fiction world filled with awesome-o creatures and whatnot, holy shit, you'll love the Bible. I haven't seen such fantastical places or read about such insanely not possible fictious bullshit. And Laura, I'm an impressionable youth. While I've never been inspired to you know, pretend that I'm Harry Potter, I have thought to myself, "man, this situation would go much better if I had a wand available." You think some kids would want to imitate Potter? That's probably the best thing they could do, is imitate Harry Potter. The worst is that they start imitating the Jews when they turned on Christ and crucified him. Or maybe they go down the local swimmin'-fuck-hole and try to walk on water, then they realize, after a shitload of them drown, that nope, they can't do that.

At what point are we going to stop this bullshit argument? Tell you what, you take out Harry Potter, and all the other books and leave kids reading the Bible, but even that won't convert every child over to Christianity. Why don't you worry about your kids? Fuck, if you're that goddamn worried about Harry Potter, why don't you home-school them yourself and then you can have a hand in every aspect of what they can and can't read? Oh, what's that, you're too fucking lazy? And that would mean you can't mess with other kids?

Goddamn, it feels wonderful to be back.

Politicians need to leave gamers right the fuck alone.

I was going to write a post about 10 moments in cinematic history that made no sense. That was, until I read about how a senator decided that his brilliant plan for properly rating and censoring video games from the people that don't need to see the naughty, fun content in them was a brilliant fuck idea. I should mention that the stupidity of Senator Brownback's idea is on such a grand level, it could be said that he's trying to rid the world of video games permanently.

The idea is that the ESRB, the group that rates video games, must completely play a game through to its bitter end. Essentially what this means is that games that are designed to be played online, with patches and mods and neat-o stuff like...is gonna go right out the fucking window. Because patches, mods and the other neat-o stuff isn't available for the mass public at that time. You know why, senator? Because it'd created and downloaded at a later date! With the possible exception of the hot coffee mod, a lot of the stuff is user created because us hardcore gamers, we like two things: violence and boobies. And when we put the two together, we could blow a video gamey load.

"You mean I can put BOOBS ON MASTER CHIEF!?!?!?! GIVE ME THE PATCH!!!"


Here's my suggestion: politicians and righteous parent-family groups, shut up. Your kids aren't going to buy those games because you won't let them. And I seriously doubt you'll let your kids go play at some other kids house if he has that stuff. So what does it matter to you if someone else's kids go play those games? That's of course assuming the parents aren't doing their job, by not buying Junior all the naughty fun games.

I digress.

I'm tired of all this bullshit surrounding games. Why not, just, I dunno stop showing the world how small your penis is by trying to legislate every aspect of media entertainment there is and focus on issues that politicians should be focusing on? Things like HEALTHCARE and EDUCATION and HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES!!!

I'm glad that politicians are being stupid again. I kinda missed that.