Another movie review: wasting my money on admission, so you won't.

I have a theory on how you can judge if a movie is utter dogshit, or if it's kickass. If you can't remember the trailers on the film, it's a good movie. If you can, it's utter dogshit. The only flaw in this theory is if you're ADD like me, and you can't remember a trailer for shit, even if it's just shown. I only bring this up because if ANY of you motherfuckers go see that Borat movie, I will not only kill you, I will kill your parents, your siblings, your children, and possibly friends of yours who might be influenced to go see that. Because anybody who finds that jackass even remotely funny needs to have their entire bloodline killed off, so as not to taint the rest of humanity.

Anyways. Employee of the Month kinda blew. If any of you say, "well no shit, Jessica Simpson's in it" I'll stomp your guts out. One shitty actress cannot bring an entire movie down. Not even Tara Reid can bring an entire movie down. Nobody ever has, nobody ever will. A shitty IDEA that wasn't that great to start out with will bring an entire movie down. My whole problem with it is that the entire movie seemed forced. And like Dane Cook was forced to hold back. It's like they said, "be funny, but not too funny. We'll electro-shock you when you're being too funny." Then he told a knock-knock joke, and they fucking zapped him.

"NOT THAT FUNNY, GODDAMMIT!!!"

But seriously, it was decent. It was adequate for a matinee. The whole twist is that while the Jessica Simpson character does date the employee of the month at her old store, it was her boyfriend, but he was an asshole, so she dumped him, and got a transfer to a store where Dax Shepard is an evil villain.

I would repeat that, but after typing that sentence, and staring at it for the past 5 minutes, the left side of my brain came to a screeching halt, and turned the right side of my brain and said, "it's dark in here. And we may die." I honestly never though in my entire life I would ever use that sentence because let's be honest, you don't really expect certain people to play evil villains. Dax didn't either, he was a shitty villain, with a shitty sidekick, but they're in an almost shitty movie, so let's be honest, how good can he fucking be?

There really is more to the twist, obviously she finds out that Dane Cook is trying hard so he can get into her pants, and that obviously leads to the obligatory make-up scene. This movie isn't horrible, but it's not good. It looks good, but it's not. It even sounded good on paper, but it's not. And it's not because of Jessica Simpson, despite what the people of the imdb.com message boards would say. It's a bad movie because they didn't really try. If they had tried to make it a good movie, well then, by God, this movie would kick some ass. If they had given Dane Cook somebody that we could actually believe as an asshole who wanted to fuck Jessica Simpson more than he did, then I wouldn't have thought that some lame version of one of the lesser Jackasses was the worst villain in the entire history of cinema.

That's really my problem with just about every movie I have seen in recent memory, in terms of when a movie goes bad. The filmmakers not trying to make a good movie. It is possible to make a good film, watch a Spielberg movie.

I digress. Go see Employee of the Month if you enjoy Dane Cook or looking at Jessica Simpson's tits. And that covers just about everyone.