Happy fucking Holidays. Or, a post on Republicans, Wal-Mart, Britney's muffin, and Brokeback Mountain.

First of all, let me say that while I knew Britney Spears was going to get a divorce, I wish she wouldn't have. That means that not only did we have more ammunition in mocking her lazy, shiftless baby-daddy, but that also meant that she'd never have gone hanging out with Paris Hilton. And, that also means that we'd have never seen her pussy. This, and this is the math nerd in me coming out, is known as the transitive property.

Britney stays married = no pictures of that train wreck she calls a vagina. Britney gets divorced = pictures of her vagina that make me wanna see Lindsey Lohan's downstairs. See how that works out?

I have a feeling that as soon as Kevin was hit with the divorce papers, she was just counting down the days before she flashed that...thing to the world. And while I don't want to come across as some man-whore, I will say this: I have seen many a vagina in my day, and none of them looked like that. You know why? 'Cause they ain't fucking supposed to. Ladies, take a good long look at her twat (I know that's an ugly word, but if you've seen her va-jay-jay, you'd call it a twat or cunt, too) and then look at yours. If yours looks anything like hers, just stop fucking. Enjoy a long, long life of masturbation. It looks like she was fucked for weeks on end, then shot in the puss with a shotgun.

Wal*Mart, in an effort to make the Christian right happy, has gone back to saying "Merry Christmas!" If you remember, last year, they said "Happy Holidays!" in an effort to make everyone happy. But Christians, who are fucking stupid, got all pissy about that. "It's supposed to be Merry Christmas, you godless fuck heathens!" they'd yell. Then they threatened to boycott Wal*Mart unless their demands were met. And, because Wal*Mart honestly thought that people would stop shopping at their stores, they backed down. This year, it's back to "Merry Christmas!" and then they try to guess your religion.

I will repeat that. The largest chain of retail stores on the entire fuckin' planet is going to greet you with what they think you are, religiously speaking. So that means that the only real way they can guess, is through physical features. Well, fuck me running, that'd be a great idea, if it weren't for the fact that that idea, is a horrible fuck idea. If you thought you offended people BEFORE, holy fuck shit. Wait until you're yelling "Happy Kwanzaa!" to a black person that is a fucking Baptist. And let's be honest, this idea isn't going to fly. I doubt any manager is going to tell his employees to do this. Because, honestly, who gives a shit if we offend the Christians? They get offended by everything. Jerry Falwell was offended by Leia's costume in Return of the Jedi, for fuck's sake. I was under the impression that while it was nice to see some skin (because Carrie Fisher was hot back in the day), it was nowhere near as naughty as some of the other stuff they had, even back then.

The point is, Christians get offended by everything, then bitch about how the liberal media is forcing various things down the entire world's throats. Yet they somehow forget that from November until January, there are holidays involving LOTS of peoples and religions. In fact, you might remember one that the Jews celebrate. I mean, that holiday only lasts 8 FUCKING DAYS! Something tells me that if you can ignore that, you can ignore just about anything.

I rented Brokeback Mountain. It was alright, but very uncomfortable to watch. That first sex scene with the two was just...that may be the closest thing to what gay sex actually is, but as I watched it, I thought, "you know, they could've cut away or edited or something. I get that they had sex, but I don't need to see Jake Gyllenhaal squirming or hear him moan." Other than that, it seemed to me that the film was decent. At its core, it's nothing more than a love story, but it certainly isn't about two gay people. Both of the men have families, and only one gets divorced, but that's only because his wife finds him kissing another man.

You know, where I come from, if a man marries a woman a few months after the fact that they've had a baby, that child is still going to be considered a bastard. In Tom Cruise's world, that's just normal. Yes, he tied the knot. Yes, I'm writing about it. Did you people actually think it wasn't coming? Of course I'm gonna make fun of him.

Mostly, I can't wait until they get a divorce. 'Cause we all know it's gonna happen. Look at Britney and Kevin. They are the celebrity equivalent to Wendy and Blake, and they didn't last. And to be honest, I thought those two white trash, inbred hillbillies would have gone the distance. But alas, they did not, and now he's countersuing for custody. The good news for somebody in that is that there is an ironclad pre-nup. So either Kevin Federline is in for a huge payday, or Britney Spears is about to make the man homeless.

Anyways, the reason I can't wait for the Tom Cruise divorce. Can you imagine it? I can. He goes on Oprah, and she says something like, "hey, Tom, remember when you were so in love with this girl, you were jumping up and down on my fucking couch?" Then, instead of replying like a normal person, Tom will say some crazy ass shit about Scientology. 'Cause I dunno about you, but personally, this fucking leprechaun is getting more and more insane as time passes. It's not even like when Michael Jackson went nuttier and nuttier, which would later prove to be for his fans. No, Tom Cruise is getting more and more insane, and it's for nobody's benefit! NOBODY'S! You've seen it over the past year, and it hasn't even peaked yet! And when it does, holy fuck shit, it's going to the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen in your entire life.

'Cause Mary's a bitch, I edited this.

geekguy1982: explain something
geekguy1982: why people are suing the makers of borat
geekguy1982: and nobody is fucking touching the jackass crew
provengodacielo: good call. im not suure
geekguy1982: first the frat boys, who might actually have a case
geekguy1982: if you know, they can legimately prove that they were told to drink before signing anything
geekguy1982: but now there's villagers suing them
geekguy1982: and some guy who claims to be the original borat
geekguy1982: listen, i got news for you: claiming to be the original borat is like claiming to be pauly shore's father.
geekguy1982: neither will work for ANYBODY.
provengodacielo: its unfourtunate no one can do anything anymore without being fucking sued.
geekguy1982: not in america at least
geekguy1982: but in fucking canada
geekguy1982: oh holy shit
geekguy1982: seriously, why would you claim to be the original borat?
provengodacielo: and he's not gonna win his case
geekguy1982: "hi, i am the stereotype of what people think of and mentally see when they imagine an eastern european.
geekguy1982: i have a big mustache, funny accent and i am a total retard in terms of foreign cultures.
geekguy1982: in short, i am a man from the south, transplanted.
geekguy1982: don't see borat, because they make fun of me."
geekguy1982: no, don't go see borat because it's fucking stupid as shit.
geekguy1982: anybody who thinks that sacha baron cohen is funny needs to have their reproductive organs ripped from their bodies.
geekguy1982: and i mean that oh so literally.

Shawn should've been aborted.

OK, so, you remember that time I wrote an email to Shawn Dion from AG and Shawn's K-Morning Krewe? Well, this isn't an email. This is an open plea. For anybody in Louisiana or nearby. To go to the radio station and kick his ass.

I don't know how many of you watch Dateline's To Catch a Predator, but the gist is this: Dateline poses as a child, usually in between the ages of 10 and 13, and then catches dirty, naughty, sick pedophiles. Please take note that any competent lawyer would call this "entrapment" and would have the child-lover (because that's literally what pedophile means) back out on the streets in no time. Anyways, allegedly, one of this fuckers got smart and realized what was going down. So before police could capture him, he shot himself. That's right, the pedophile killed himself so as not to face the stigma of being a dirty old man.

And Shawn said "good riddance."

I will repeat that. A pedophile shot and killed himself and Shawn said that he was glad this guy killed himself. Then he immediately identified himself as a good Christian, and knows he shouldn't be saying that.

OK, first of all fucknut, yes, pedophilia isn't cool. It's dirty and wrong, but in all honesty, if Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson were my daughters, I would've molested and raped them LONG ago. Sorry if that offends some of my more delicate readers, but I'm being honest. Sad but true. Sad, but fucking true.

I digress. But see, my whole problem with this isn't the fact that somebody killed himself, but with the fact that you have said that you're a good Christian and want to others to kill themselves just because they are agreeably sick and twisted. Because you're the 'tard that said that American Idol is racist, so you get to tell us what flavor of Jell-O you like and that's about it. If you identify yourself as Christian, you don't get to say, "I'm Christian, let's go kill some folks!" That's hypocrisy on a level that is so psychotic, not even the Westboro Baptist Church would agree with that.

And since you don't really want to listen, I'm going to go to Shreveport and beat your head in. Because I might be saved...but I ain't no Christian.

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius!

Sometimes in life, you feel the need to sing and dance. Maybe one of your friends passed the postal exam and you know you got good times comin'. Maybe you just sweet, sweet, glorious love to a beautiful woman. Perhaps you just felt like singing. Whatever the reason, you have a song in your heart, and while walking down the crowded streets of Manhattan, you feel, nay, you HAVE the desire to sing and dance. This is a list of the ten best moments in musical cinematic history. It's time for rock-hard tasty abs...glistening in the sun.


10. Wayne's World Any movie where Alice Cooper gives an education of Mil-we-uak-ee, which is Algonquin for "the good land," is awesome as shit. But when you also have Garth serenading his mysterious lady love with Jimi Hendrix's Foxy Lady, you're dangerously close to breaking the coolness barrier. I think we'll go for a little Bohemian Rhapsody, gentlemen!

9. Little Mermaid Fuck each and every last one of you, I can still sing this song from memory. How can you not want to sing that song? What's wrong with you, motherfucker?!

8. School of Rock You know what seriously rocks hard tasty abs? When you get a band together made up of little kids who, believe it or not, have been playing SINCE THEY WERE 3! They are their own supergroup. They could be the next Led Zeppelin or Cream.

7. Hair This is my answer to whenever someone asks me why I'm growing my hair out. That, and it has all the singing and dancing coming from out of nowhere that everybody loves in musicals.

6. Fiddler on the Roof How can anyone not include this on a list of musical moments? Seriously. That's like making a list of Arnold Scharzenegger's best monsyllabic grunts that are hilarious lines from movies, and not including "I'll be back!" If you do that, then something is wrong with you, motherfucker.

5. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy I love...afternoon delight! And I love singing this song. I'll be at work and start singing this song.

4. The moment when the Spice Girls movie ended. I'm not 100% sure, but I do believe that when you make a movie this bad, some demonic creature gets it's wings. It can be compared to Britney Spears' shitfest, but then again, she's now the biggest laughingstock of all the pop princesses. All those who ended up married to some guy that sucks not only your money, but also the will of every living, breathing NICE guy that has a job, raise your hand. Jesus Christ, Kevin Federline could be compared to the dementors from Harry fuck Potter. I would put a video up for this, but let's be honest, nobody wants to see that. We might can be mentally reminded of a shitstorm known as the Spice Girls movie, but if we were visually reminded of it, I think our brains would come to a screeching halt. And then it would say, "if you're so stupid to be watching something you shouldn't be fucking watching, I will kill you." No, that's not really number 4. Here is number 4. I just had to make fun of something here.

3. Rocky Horror Picture Show Yes, I played Dr. Frank-n-Furter. Shut your piehole. I looked damn sexy in my costume.

2. Almost Famous My son's been kidnapped by rock stars. Semi-autobiographical tale of Cameron Crowe's time when he toured with Led Zeppelin, so you know it's gonna be wicked awesome.

1. Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! (both times I typed out satan, I started out writing Stan. Sad but true. Sad, but fucking true.)

Jokes involving stupidity only work when the punchline is Paris Hilton.

So, I'll admit that I haven't been keeping up with the politico news as much as I usually do. My bad. So while this may no longer be topical, let me just say that whatever John Kerry did or said, in the guise of a joke, was probably the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas since I made the decision to go hunting with Cheney later this month.

I'm not sure of the specifics, since I was out, but apparently he made a joke saying that if you don't get educated, you'll end up in Iraq. Then, to prove his point, he showed a fake photo of soldiers in Iraq holding up a sign that looks like a 14-year-old girl who's addicted to Myspace and MTV wrote the motherfucker. And this is where things went askew. He later had to apologize, and that's all well and good, but here's my question: how in the name of fuck do you justify a joke that poorly executed and that un-funny? That's worse than the time that Peter tried to come up with a new "a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..."

First of all, only someone like Jon Stewart has the ability to pull off such a joke, and even he wouldn't try. Because much like I'm highly intelligent and working as a furniture delivery-fuck-man, there are very smart people in Iraq shooting a gun. There's really not much I can say about this, other than, the next time you wanna tell a joke, uhhhh, stick to knock-fuck-knock jokes.

And can someone, anyone, please explain why Tyra Banks, a fucking supermodel, is interviewing the woman who now somehow leads the Westboro Baptist Church?! Sheryl Phelps-Rogers, I believe is her name.