Notes on the gift of an iPod.

The setting: the living room. The day, Christmas morning. The time, around 1030-ish.

1035 - Receive book on organized crime. Alright, now I can begin my criminal empire.

1036 - look at picture of Russian gangster beaten and left to freeze to death in Siberia. Wow, the Russians don't fuck around.

1037 - Open "big gift". It's a black iPod, the 30G kind. Wow, my parents must be Russian, 'cause they don't fuck around.

1100 - Realize quickly that, like a dumbass, I deleted all the good shit that got accidentally downloaded to the iTunes thing about a month ago. Fuck. Now I'm left with Jeff Foxworthy and JoDee Messina. Somebody call the Russians.

1105 - Still haven't figured out how to move what I did download on purpose onto my songs list.

1107 - nope.

1123 - nope.

1155 - nope.

12-2 - nope. Break for lunch.

230 - Think to myself, "why can't I just Harry Potter the songs and videos and movies I want onto the iPod?"

245 - iPod has been saying "do no disconnect" for almost a whole hour. If there were a record for this, I'd have beaten it 55 minutes and 57 seconds ago.

300 - read instruction booklet and see where it says, "for best battery performance, charge your iPod for 4 hours before use." Also read where it says that for best transfer possible, use a 2.0 USB port. Look at my USB port that is currently being used. It's 1.1. Shit, this may take awhile.

305 - By my math, it will take my iPod 4,139 years to update and upload properly. Also remember that I downed almost an entire bottle (read: "jug") of sour blue raspberry Schnapps by myself, so my math is being done in the land of borderline alcohol poisoning related death.

311 - tap out "Jingle Bells" on my iPod buttons. Quickly realize that this may be the only music I ever get to hear on my iPod.

312 - listen to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on my iPod. The lyrics sound like Jimmy Page recorded it in a cave. While underwater. While having a cock in his mouth, and having his cock worked on. Simultaneously. Is this because the battery isn't charged up all the way?

315 - No, to the previous question. Ask new question, "why does the iPod always say do not disconnect when I plug it into the computer?"

316 - poke the iPod with a stick. Finally, pop culture and man have come full circle. I have almost faithfully and completely recreated Stanley Kubrick's famous scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

317 - See that I can not only play games, but also download them too. Sweet.

318 - Try to figure out how to make the sound better and make the uploading faster. If anybody can help me, call me. 903-241-5576.

Number 94.

That's not a reference to how many times I've blogged, or even the number of blogs written. It's a number to a survey, a question.

"Who was the last person to say 'I Love You' to you?"

I sat, and stared for a very long time. I honestly could not remember. I thought back to when my grandparents were alive, and I think that was the last time I heard it. Before the disease and the hospitals. Before the ICUs, before the hospices. Before the surgeries, before the not seeing them, ever.

6 years, and possibly longer than that, is a long time to go without hearing it.

*And a single tear came out his eye.*

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I've been known to do that. I wrote a post on my myspace about how much I hate the holidays, but nobody read it. Of course, what it really might be is that people don't like coming here, because it's too hate-filled for them. It's not hate, it's annoyance, mixed with sarcasm and humor.

I can't think of anything funny to put here. I love pie.

OK, have you seen the video where Pauly Shore got knocked right the fuck out at a comedy show in Odessa, Texas this month? You have now, mothafuckas!!!

I laugh about this for two reasons. One, the asshole who did this (wearing cowboy clothes that nobody should ever wear, ever) now has to admit that he was at a Pauly Shore "comedy show".

"Hey Dale, ain't that you punching the Weasel?"

"Naw, that ain't me. Must be someone else."

"Sure it is! You wore that same stupid-lookin' shirt at my birthday party last month."

The other reason that it's funny is that, that guy got to live out everybody's dream: to knock Pauly Shore right the fuck out. Excepting, of course, the fact that by actually assaulting Pauly Shore is like hitting a retarded kid whose parents are sue-happy. If you think the Weasel is going to let you off the hooks, holy fuck shit, are you stupid.

Speaking of stupidity, check out the video of Dr.fuck-Phil almost-but-not-quite interviewing the creator of Bum Fight.

For the reader who spent his entire life under a fucking rock, bum fight was that Jackass-esque website that used bums instead of rich college and high school dropouts, and also lacked the subtlety of Jackass. Like, the guy paid a homeless to eat a raw frog. In all fairness, he did give the bum $20, so at least he gave him more than most of us give them at any one time.

But if you clicked the link and watched the clip, you'll see Dr.fuck-Phil just kick him off the show. Dude, I don't like the asshole either, but seriously, what the fuck did you expect?! You're dumber than him for inviting him on! What the fuck did you think he was gonna do, pull an acoustic out of a bum's ass and bust out into bible songs?!?! YOU HAD TO SEE THAT WEBSITE BEFORE HE CAME ON! YOU KNEW WHAT HE WAS ABOUT, YOU BALD-HEADED GIGANTIC COCKSUCKER!!!

That shit is completely unacceptable.

A time for change.

Next time there's an election, I'm voting Republican. I read a story in the DaMN on Monday, and apparently, there's a group of Republicans called the 527 that are absolutely dedicated to the keeping Hillary Clinton out of the Oval Office in 2008. We're barely done with 2006 and they're worried about a year or more into the fuckin' future. That is a special kind of hatred for Democrats. And I gotta tell you, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That's probably why Democrats lose more often than win; because the GOP is all about getting their shit together in the here and now, rather than later.

I mean, look at what they name the bills they want pushed through. How can anybody vote against something called the Patriot Act? Assuming you never looked at it, that is. That's why Democrats should call all of their bills from this point on the "Be Nice to Retarded People Act." Because then, you could say, "hey, I don't wanna point this out, but my opponent voted against bein' nice to retarded people." And then maybe the Democrats could finally get their fucking act together and we'd maybe have a smarter person to run the country over say, Dubya.

Britney tried to defend her recent partying by saying she was stuck in her house basically for the two years that she was married to Kevin. Well, no fucking shit dumbass, that's what happens you shoot two babies out in two years. You spend time taking care of them and almost killing one of them on what? three separate occasions? There's really no way to defend what you did, so just admit to being a white trash, trailer park whore bag and be done with it.

If you know anybody with HTML knowledge, send me an email at morocco_dude1982@hotmail.com It's time for the ol' blog to have some changes to it.