Drinks all around!
You made it another year alive. Bully for you. Yes, it's 2007 and already our year seems dismal in terms of news that shouldn't be news and stuff that never made it as news, but probably should've been at least mentioned on the AP wire so that bloggers like me could make sarcastic comments in the vein of Jon Stewart. So here it is, 3 days after the fact, but it's here. A retrospective of 2006.
First of all, somebody explain to me why anybody cares about a botched plastic surgery. And then explain why anybody would care about a botched plastic surgery on Tara fuck Reid? I got news for you, I don't like her as an actress, and the only reason why I even tolerate her as a person is one year I read about her having her tits getting 3 kinds of fucked up at the local boob technician, but because we've already seen them in widespread photos across the internet, it helps prove that time travel does possibly exist. Because it's not like we can ever forget them. Red splotches everywhere, gigantic areolas surrounding mosquito bite nipples, and obvious bad saline insertion. I have seen tits before, ladies and gentlemen, and trust me, tits are not supposed to look like that. When a woman opens her shirt and bra, heavenly music is supposed to play and angels are supposed to get their wings. Not wailing and gnashing of teeth and babies fleeing from the room to throw themselves into oncoming traffic.
Secondly, who here gives a shit that Michael Richards went all Mel Gibson on two hecklers at a comedy club? Seriously, he should've learned about that from Mad Max. If Mel Gibson, director and star of Braveheart, the Lethal Weapon movies and twice named People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year can't be anti-semitic, what makes you think your D-list, has-been ass can get away with calling two black guys "niggers" at one of the most racially diverse places in America? It might have been one thing if you had called them that in Mississippi, Georgia, Texas, Kentucky or any of the other gloriously wonderful racist states that make up the American south. But in case you've forgotten, L.A. is made up of an alarmingly large number of Afro-American brothas. That is to say, black people who won't think twice about fucking you up. And while I would love to think that you live in someplace like Beverly Hills, I know you probably live in Santa Monica or someplace else that black people are typically seen on the street. He should have handled those hecklers the way Pauly fuck Shore handled his hecklers. Pauly Shore got so pissed off at his heckler, that he let himself get punched in the eye by a guy who wasn't even heckling him! That is a dedication to one's art, let me tell you.
Anna Nicole Smith's son died. For two weeks, her remaining 5 fans waited on edge to see how he died when anybody with half a brain and the ability to bullshit some medical terms could tell what the rest of the free world who heard about it already knew: he killed himself. Why did he kill himself? Look at who his mother is. She is the only woman on the entire fuckin' planet to have a baby, and in the wake of her son's death, have TWO guys fighting over who the child belongs too. What that boils down too is that somebody is fighting not for the ability to say that he fucked Anna Nicole Smith (which I personally would keep on the down-low), but for 18 years of forced child support. If you were her kid, you'd have killed yourself, too. But in all seriousness, she does have two men arguing over who's the daddy. Personally, where I come from, if you have an illegitimate child with your unwed fuck buddy, you WANT somebody to come out and say, "no, that child is mine!"
Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. A man who gave him campaign contributions was shot in the face. I'd joke about the obvious reference to the Iraq War, but hey, Lewis Black did it better than I ever could. So instead, I'll make fun of how you mistake a human fuck being for a quail. I've seen the two, there really isn't a distinction among the two. One is small and flies, the other is old and wrinkled. Seriously, the only way for him to do that would be to actually be TRYING for it. I've been hunting for quail, and typically, you aim for sky. Unless you see one lying hurt and wounded in the grass, then aim right the fuck down and BLAM!. But that makes you a huge asshole. You see, how it works is this: you scare the quail out of their hiding spots, track them, while they fly in sky, then shoot them. Some say our vice-president/shop teacher was drinking, and even drunk, you can still hunt for quail and not really be able to accidentally shoot somebody. I would know, I've done that too.
Steve Irwin dies. This teaches us that if you make a living poking crocodiles in the ass with your thumb, you can become a really annoying TV show host and make idiots around the world cry because they don't know you, they just liked your show. Also, to wear sunscreen to protect against harmful rays.
T.O. almost dies. It's later reported that it might've been a botched suicide attempt. We've narrowed it down, and depression was not the cause of it. He just realized he signed a very long deal with a team that had a shitty quarterback, a coach that would be leaving at the end of the season (no matter what), and a crazy ass owner. But that was the least of his concerns. Little T Learns to Share managed to sell a whopping 10 copies. He's later revived and told that even selling 10 copies is more than K.Fed sold of his only album.
Speaking of dirtball losers, please take note that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have divorced. We know this because for 2 years, we didn't really hear anything about her crazy ass self. Except for her almost killing her firstborn, twice. And getting knocked up again. And posing nude, while pregnant. And for the video that circulated of her showing the 3 brain cells that helped her graduate from a Louisiana high school.
Ed Bradley died. Nobody cared.
But Don Knotts died, and TBS had a weekend long marathon of The Andy Griffith Show. Apparently, the death of some shitty TV comedian was more important than the death of a TV journalist.
Oh, yeah. Former President Gerald Ford died around the same time that pussy Hussein was hung for what boiled down to crimes against humanity. And instead of focusing on the President that saw America through the Watergate scandal, we instead apparently had to run endless stories on a man who was found hiding like the pansy-ass bitch that he is in a fucking hole 3 years ago. There's a brilliant way to use the papers. God Speed, Ford. I probably wouldn't have voted for you, but Hussein is a pussy and really doesn't deserve much attention except when used in the term "Saddam Hussein, pussy ass former leader of Iraq, has been dead for 3 weeks and the world is still glad to be rid of him."
Actually, a lot of people died. James Brown died, and that means that when we all get to Hell, there's gonna be one fuckin' awesome concert. Rick James, Ray Charles and now James Brown? Fucking sweet!
iPod has it's 1 billionth download. Because it's some shitty Beatles song, nobody really remembers much about it, except that it was some shitty Beatles song.
Iraq held it's elections for the first in a long time, and the Hamas win in a decidedly one-sided victory, leaving the White House wondering where they went wrong. Meanwhile, civics students and poli-sci students send mass mailings to the White House, saying that sometimes, in the democratic process, the party you don't want to win, wins. Their proof of this radical theory is shown through various photographs of newspapers with the headlines, "BUSH WINS ELECTION!" and "BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION!" The White House later calls these people freedom haters and thus taps their phonelines.
Speaking of the Patriot Act, Bush tells the world, but specifically the U.S. that if we make a phone call, he deserves to listen in. Apparently, he doesn't like what he hears, so he stops and instead, focuses his attention on making the U.S. safer from terrorist attacks. So he announces his plan to give control of 6 U.S. ports to Arab controlled companies. With direct links to 9/11. And announce that he'll veto anything that Congress tries to put through to stop him.
A woman sues Applebee's for serving her 5-year-old a Long Island Iced tea. Apparently, those drinks have been served at Applebee's in little kiddie cups, and that's how the mom missed that brain buster.
A fire marshal in Arizona gets drunk and fucks a barnyard animal. This raises the all important question, "how drunk do you have to be to fuck an animal?"
North Korea decides to make a missile that can go across the ocean, and with nuclear capabilities. Bush, in his infinite wisdom, says, "well, we'll negotiate with you." Later on, I call Kim Jong Il by his long forgotten nickname, Kimmie Gibler.
And that's about it for 2006. Here's to 2007 being even more insane.
First of all, somebody explain to me why anybody cares about a botched plastic surgery. And then explain why anybody would care about a botched plastic surgery on Tara fuck Reid? I got news for you, I don't like her as an actress, and the only reason why I even tolerate her as a person is one year I read about her having her tits getting 3 kinds of fucked up at the local boob technician, but because we've already seen them in widespread photos across the internet, it helps prove that time travel does possibly exist. Because it's not like we can ever forget them. Red splotches everywhere, gigantic areolas surrounding mosquito bite nipples, and obvious bad saline insertion. I have seen tits before, ladies and gentlemen, and trust me, tits are not supposed to look like that. When a woman opens her shirt and bra, heavenly music is supposed to play and angels are supposed to get their wings. Not wailing and gnashing of teeth and babies fleeing from the room to throw themselves into oncoming traffic.
Secondly, who here gives a shit that Michael Richards went all Mel Gibson on two hecklers at a comedy club? Seriously, he should've learned about that from Mad Max. If Mel Gibson, director and star of Braveheart, the Lethal Weapon movies and twice named People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year can't be anti-semitic, what makes you think your D-list, has-been ass can get away with calling two black guys "niggers" at one of the most racially diverse places in America? It might have been one thing if you had called them that in Mississippi, Georgia, Texas, Kentucky or any of the other gloriously wonderful racist states that make up the American south. But in case you've forgotten, L.A. is made up of an alarmingly large number of Afro-American brothas. That is to say, black people who won't think twice about fucking you up. And while I would love to think that you live in someplace like Beverly Hills, I know you probably live in Santa Monica or someplace else that black people are typically seen on the street. He should have handled those hecklers the way Pauly fuck Shore handled his hecklers. Pauly Shore got so pissed off at his heckler, that he let himself get punched in the eye by a guy who wasn't even heckling him! That is a dedication to one's art, let me tell you.
Anna Nicole Smith's son died. For two weeks, her remaining 5 fans waited on edge to see how he died when anybody with half a brain and the ability to bullshit some medical terms could tell what the rest of the free world who heard about it already knew: he killed himself. Why did he kill himself? Look at who his mother is. She is the only woman on the entire fuckin' planet to have a baby, and in the wake of her son's death, have TWO guys fighting over who the child belongs too. What that boils down too is that somebody is fighting not for the ability to say that he fucked Anna Nicole Smith (which I personally would keep on the down-low), but for 18 years of forced child support. If you were her kid, you'd have killed yourself, too. But in all seriousness, she does have two men arguing over who's the daddy. Personally, where I come from, if you have an illegitimate child with your unwed fuck buddy, you WANT somebody to come out and say, "no, that child is mine!"
Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. A man who gave him campaign contributions was shot in the face. I'd joke about the obvious reference to the Iraq War, but hey, Lewis Black did it better than I ever could. So instead, I'll make fun of how you mistake a human fuck being for a quail. I've seen the two, there really isn't a distinction among the two. One is small and flies, the other is old and wrinkled. Seriously, the only way for him to do that would be to actually be TRYING for it. I've been hunting for quail, and typically, you aim for sky. Unless you see one lying hurt and wounded in the grass, then aim right the fuck down and BLAM!. But that makes you a huge asshole. You see, how it works is this: you scare the quail out of their hiding spots, track them, while they fly in sky, then shoot them. Some say our vice-president/shop teacher was drinking, and even drunk, you can still hunt for quail and not really be able to accidentally shoot somebody. I would know, I've done that too.
Steve Irwin dies. This teaches us that if you make a living poking crocodiles in the ass with your thumb, you can become a really annoying TV show host and make idiots around the world cry because they don't know you, they just liked your show. Also, to wear sunscreen to protect against harmful rays.
T.O. almost dies. It's later reported that it might've been a botched suicide attempt. We've narrowed it down, and depression was not the cause of it. He just realized he signed a very long deal with a team that had a shitty quarterback, a coach that would be leaving at the end of the season (no matter what), and a crazy ass owner. But that was the least of his concerns. Little T Learns to Share managed to sell a whopping 10 copies. He's later revived and told that even selling 10 copies is more than K.Fed sold of his only album.
Speaking of dirtball losers, please take note that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have divorced. We know this because for 2 years, we didn't really hear anything about her crazy ass self. Except for her almost killing her firstborn, twice. And getting knocked up again. And posing nude, while pregnant. And for the video that circulated of her showing the 3 brain cells that helped her graduate from a Louisiana high school.
Ed Bradley died. Nobody cared.
But Don Knotts died, and TBS had a weekend long marathon of The Andy Griffith Show. Apparently, the death of some shitty TV comedian was more important than the death of a TV journalist.
Oh, yeah. Former President Gerald Ford died around the same time that pussy Hussein was hung for what boiled down to crimes against humanity. And instead of focusing on the President that saw America through the Watergate scandal, we instead apparently had to run endless stories on a man who was found hiding like the pansy-ass bitch that he is in a fucking hole 3 years ago. There's a brilliant way to use the papers. God Speed, Ford. I probably wouldn't have voted for you, but Hussein is a pussy and really doesn't deserve much attention except when used in the term "Saddam Hussein, pussy ass former leader of Iraq, has been dead for 3 weeks and the world is still glad to be rid of him."
Actually, a lot of people died. James Brown died, and that means that when we all get to Hell, there's gonna be one fuckin' awesome concert. Rick James, Ray Charles and now James Brown? Fucking sweet!
iPod has it's 1 billionth download. Because it's some shitty Beatles song, nobody really remembers much about it, except that it was some shitty Beatles song.
Iraq held it's elections for the first in a long time, and the Hamas win in a decidedly one-sided victory, leaving the White House wondering where they went wrong. Meanwhile, civics students and poli-sci students send mass mailings to the White House, saying that sometimes, in the democratic process, the party you don't want to win, wins. Their proof of this radical theory is shown through various photographs of newspapers with the headlines, "BUSH WINS ELECTION!" and "BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION!" The White House later calls these people freedom haters and thus taps their phonelines.
Speaking of the Patriot Act, Bush tells the world, but specifically the U.S. that if we make a phone call, he deserves to listen in. Apparently, he doesn't like what he hears, so he stops and instead, focuses his attention on making the U.S. safer from terrorist attacks. So he announces his plan to give control of 6 U.S. ports to Arab controlled companies. With direct links to 9/11. And announce that he'll veto anything that Congress tries to put through to stop him.
A woman sues Applebee's for serving her 5-year-old a Long Island Iced tea. Apparently, those drinks have been served at Applebee's in little kiddie cups, and that's how the mom missed that brain buster.
A fire marshal in Arizona gets drunk and fucks a barnyard animal. This raises the all important question, "how drunk do you have to be to fuck an animal?"
North Korea decides to make a missile that can go across the ocean, and with nuclear capabilities. Bush, in his infinite wisdom, says, "well, we'll negotiate with you." Later on, I call Kim Jong Il by his long forgotten nickname, Kimmie Gibler.
And that's about it for 2006. Here's to 2007 being even more insane.
posted by Adam at
8:19 PM
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