And fuck pudding!
I honestly thought it'd be a lot harder than this to post a blog. Those of you who are my myspace friends already know this.
So I've been in Natchitoches for all of 4 days. Time to fill in the gaps, iTunes-Christmas gift style.
Saturday: wake up at the ungodly fucking hour of 7 am after spending most of Friday night at my friend Joe's house playing poker and drinking hard. I am hungover, tired and I broke down and cried like a little bitch as I was leaving his house. I pack up the remainder of my shit and me, mom and dad leave for Shreveport so we can have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel.
Saturday, 830 am: we arrive at Cracker Barrel. There's no hostess on duty, just a sign that says, "seat yourself." They should've added either the word motherfucker or bitches. Just to make things interesting.
Saturday, 855 am: waitress finally arrives to take drink and food order.
Saturday, 955 am: receive lukewarm food and blueberry pancakes that taste exactly like blueberry pancakes. If a bear ate them, then shit them out and they laid in a pile of bear poo and dirt for 3 years in a damp forest.
Saturday, 1115 am: arrive in Natchitoches. As I have always feared with the state of Louisiana, not only are the people immensely ugly, they are incredibly stupid. Not all, but most. I sign the lease and whatnot, and we begin to move me into a third floor apartment I chose solely based on the fact that a chick (whom I later learn is a total lesbian) lives there with 2 other guys. I think, "alright. 3's Company hijinks!"
Saturday, 1200 pm: mom finds stack of Playboys. All told, I only have 4 copies. Mom says to Dad, very loud and with them in hidden in plain fuckin' sight, "here, hide these in a pillowcase!" Because nobody can see them or figure out that what's being hidden in the pillowcase is dirty, naughty porn. Yeah, there's using discretion right there. Get indignant with Mom after Dad gives me disappointed, dirty look. "Ignorance can be bliss, mom, jesus!" I'm 25, single with no fuck buddy within 20 miles. Of course I own porn.
Saturday, 115 pm: meet first male roommate, begin to plan hijinks.
Saturday, 117 pm: find out first male roommate is gay. Oh yeah, so is second one. I am the only straight guy in a gay apartment.
Saturday, 120 pm: begin to think "I must move, and not fear for that I'll be butt-raped in my sleep, but because I have zero in common with two gay guys and a lesbian."
Sunday, 9 pm: meet hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Decide that she is indeed gorgeous and having gay friends will work to the advantage of me and my loneliness.
Sunday, 901 pm: begin to plot romantic way to sweep gorgeous, straight female friend off her feet. Ignore the advice of MTV and their devil's advertisers and decide that in order to win her heart, I must think in terms of Hitch. Thank you, Kevin James, for giving a fat, funny fellow like me hope.
Monday, 845 am: wake up and realize that for the first time since turning 21, my liver was not punished. Compensate by swearing an undying allegiance to beer forever.
Monday, 10 am: visit apartment managers, and make preparations to move into apartment with somebody I might have something in common with. Luck shines on me, and I see a baseball player with an XBOX 360 and season 2 of Entourage on DVD on floor. Also notice pot, but decide not to narc anybody out. Until now, that is, apparently.
Monday, 1147 am: call up Chris at Lack's because he's the only one not fighting with a spouse and/or willing to call me back or even pick up the phone. I am LONELY, here, fuckers. Help me out by being a friend, or bringing me women.
Monday, 737 pm: ask to watch 24 and realize that I may not be in the best place, if I have to ASK to watch my favorite TV show. Granted permission, so I dance in my head. Also meet equally sexy straight, female friend of gay roommate, part 2. Begin to regret decision to move, especially after finding out that she might be moving into the apartment in May.
Tuesday, 534 pm: Meet other hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Realize that decision to move was hasty. Say to myself, in private, "think Hitch."
So I've been in Natchitoches for all of 4 days. Time to fill in the gaps, iTunes-Christmas gift style.
Saturday: wake up at the ungodly fucking hour of 7 am after spending most of Friday night at my friend Joe's house playing poker and drinking hard. I am hungover, tired and I broke down and cried like a little bitch as I was leaving his house. I pack up the remainder of my shit and me, mom and dad leave for Shreveport so we can have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel.
Saturday, 830 am: we arrive at Cracker Barrel. There's no hostess on duty, just a sign that says, "seat yourself." They should've added either the word motherfucker or bitches. Just to make things interesting.
Saturday, 855 am: waitress finally arrives to take drink and food order.
Saturday, 955 am: receive lukewarm food and blueberry pancakes that taste exactly like blueberry pancakes. If a bear ate them, then shit them out and they laid in a pile of bear poo and dirt for 3 years in a damp forest.
Saturday, 1115 am: arrive in Natchitoches. As I have always feared with the state of Louisiana, not only are the people immensely ugly, they are incredibly stupid. Not all, but most. I sign the lease and whatnot, and we begin to move me into a third floor apartment I chose solely based on the fact that a chick (whom I later learn is a total lesbian) lives there with 2 other guys. I think, "alright. 3's Company hijinks!"
Saturday, 1200 pm: mom finds stack of Playboys. All told, I only have 4 copies. Mom says to Dad, very loud and with them in hidden in plain fuckin' sight, "here, hide these in a pillowcase!" Because nobody can see them or figure out that what's being hidden in the pillowcase is dirty, naughty porn. Yeah, there's using discretion right there. Get indignant with Mom after Dad gives me disappointed, dirty look. "Ignorance can be bliss, mom, jesus!" I'm 25, single with no fuck buddy within 20 miles. Of course I own porn.
Saturday, 115 pm: meet first male roommate, begin to plan hijinks.
Saturday, 117 pm: find out first male roommate is gay. Oh yeah, so is second one. I am the only straight guy in a gay apartment.
Saturday, 120 pm: begin to think "I must move, and not fear for that I'll be butt-raped in my sleep, but because I have zero in common with two gay guys and a lesbian."
Sunday, 9 pm: meet hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Decide that she is indeed gorgeous and having gay friends will work to the advantage of me and my loneliness.
Sunday, 901 pm: begin to plot romantic way to sweep gorgeous, straight female friend off her feet. Ignore the advice of MTV and their devil's advertisers and decide that in order to win her heart, I must think in terms of Hitch. Thank you, Kevin James, for giving a fat, funny fellow like me hope.
Monday, 845 am: wake up and realize that for the first time since turning 21, my liver was not punished. Compensate by swearing an undying allegiance to beer forever.
Monday, 10 am: visit apartment managers, and make preparations to move into apartment with somebody I might have something in common with. Luck shines on me, and I see a baseball player with an XBOX 360 and season 2 of Entourage on DVD on floor. Also notice pot, but decide not to narc anybody out. Until now, that is, apparently.
Monday, 1147 am: call up Chris at Lack's because he's the only one not fighting with a spouse and/or willing to call me back or even pick up the phone. I am LONELY, here, fuckers. Help me out by being a friend, or bringing me women.
Monday, 737 pm: ask to watch 24 and realize that I may not be in the best place, if I have to ASK to watch my favorite TV show. Granted permission, so I dance in my head. Also meet equally sexy straight, female friend of gay roommate, part 2. Begin to regret decision to move, especially after finding out that she might be moving into the apartment in May.
Tuesday, 534 pm: Meet other hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Realize that decision to move was hasty. Say to myself, in private, "think Hitch."
posted by Adam at
8:26 PM
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