HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Today, the greatest human in the history and span of time and the cosmos turns 67. And you know what? You still couldn't kick his ass. He might be 67, but you couldn't lay a finger on him. Odd fact: Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago, but the Grim Reaper was too much of a pussy to tell him he died.
So today, we celebrate Chuck Norris. By admiring his greatness.
Chuck Norris was once having sex in a tractor-trailer, when some of his sperm escaped and got into the engine. Today, we know this truck as Optimus Prime.
The reasons why 9.11 happened wasn't over oil. It's because the Jihadists are pissed that they can't say that there are 73 virgins waiting for them in Heaven. Just 73 women who've had sex with Chuck Norris.
According to Batman, Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn't turn on the lights, he turns the dark off.
I once read in a history book that the reason why Rosa Parks didn't get up, is because she was saving Chuck Norris' seat.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. That's why M.C. Hammer isn't famous anymore.
According Judas' gospel, the Romans wanted to crucify Chuck Norris with Jesus, but they couldn't get the nails through his hands. They let him off with a warning. He left them with a warning, too. We know that warning as the Book of Revelations.
The only reason Chuck Norris has never worn an Academy Award is because nobody in their right mind would give Chuck Norris a blunt, metal object. That's just suicidal.
According to Mexican legend, pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
The best part of waking up is not Folger's in your cup, but realizing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
It may look, taste, smell and feel like chicken. But if Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's fucking beef.
My friend who spent the night at Chuck Norris' house says that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight on. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
According to the makers of calendars, they have to make a special one for Chuck Norris. It goes from March 31, and then skips to April 2. Because nobody fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They're now known as The Islands.
I once saw an episode of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune where Chuck Norris was the first to spin the wheel. The next 29 minutes was everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
According to leading veternarians, Chuck Norris' dog picks up its own shit, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anybody.
So today, we celebrate Chuck Norris. By admiring his greatness.
Chuck Norris was once having sex in a tractor-trailer, when some of his sperm escaped and got into the engine. Today, we know this truck as Optimus Prime.
The reasons why 9.11 happened wasn't over oil. It's because the Jihadists are pissed that they can't say that there are 73 virgins waiting for them in Heaven. Just 73 women who've had sex with Chuck Norris.
According to Batman, Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn't turn on the lights, he turns the dark off.
I once read in a history book that the reason why Rosa Parks didn't get up, is because she was saving Chuck Norris' seat.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. That's why M.C. Hammer isn't famous anymore.
According Judas' gospel, the Romans wanted to crucify Chuck Norris with Jesus, but they couldn't get the nails through his hands. They let him off with a warning. He left them with a warning, too. We know that warning as the Book of Revelations.
The only reason Chuck Norris has never worn an Academy Award is because nobody in their right mind would give Chuck Norris a blunt, metal object. That's just suicidal.
According to Mexican legend, pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
The best part of waking up is not Folger's in your cup, but realizing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
It may look, taste, smell and feel like chicken. But if Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's fucking beef.
My friend who spent the night at Chuck Norris' house says that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight on. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
According to the makers of calendars, they have to make a special one for Chuck Norris. It goes from March 31, and then skips to April 2. Because nobody fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They're now known as The Islands.
I once saw an episode of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune where Chuck Norris was the first to spin the wheel. The next 29 minutes was everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
According to leading veternarians, Chuck Norris' dog picks up its own shit, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anybody.
posted by Adam at
9:29 AM
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