Bob Saget is the greatest actor to ever live.

That's right, I said it. And if you don't believe me, fuck you. Go watch Full House. Just one episode. It won't kill you. Personally, I prefer the episodes after Becky and Jesse got married and had the twins. That was when Michelle and Stephanie were always having those stupid pissing contests about how now that they were in 1st grade or 6th grade, they were "grown-up, mature women" now. Fuck that. You're a grown up when you're included in my spank bank, end of the fucking argument.

Now that you've spent 30 minutes in bad sitcom hell (I don't care what you fuckers say, Dave Coulier's Uncle Joey wasn't needed past season 3.), go and enjoy The Aristocrats. And watch that scene from Half-Baked, where he admits to sucking dick for coke.

Now tell me that he's not the greatest actor ever.

I spend a lot of time watching tv. I love tv. It's not that I think the shows are original or anything, it's that it's a great way to kill time. And you can judge where a society is by watching tv. But last night, I was flipping through the channels and came across some show where women compete to be a Coyote Ugly. And I wondered to myself, "what self respecting woman wants to be a Coyote Ugly?" It's like the myspace I read earlier by Lauren Hastings, where she said it's every young girl's dream to be a model.

Now call me crazy, but neither one of my sisters wanted to be models. One wanted to a doctor of medicine (she's about to graduate from U.T. with a degree in Art History), and the other is about to go to U.T. as a poli-sci major. And while I can't judge EVERY woman in the history of time on them, I will use them as the barometer.

I digress.

No, being a Coyote Ugly is a bad thing. For those of you who are retarded and saw the movie, Coyote Ugly, no explanation of what one is is necessary. For those of you who saw that trailer and said, "wow. That looks bad," here's an explanation: a coyote ugly is when you go to the bar and get so hammered, you hook up with somebody that is so grotesque that when you wake up from the drunken sex stupor, you'd rather chew off your own arm rather than risk waking them up and wanting another round.

Now, the reason why girls wanna be one is because they saw that movie and somehow missed the main points: A) that movie was so bad, NOBODY involved with it, save for Jerry Bruckheimer, has managed to salvage their careers from it. Not a single fucking one. Piper Perabo? Please. That bitch stole Leanne Rimes' man, and that's her biggest claim to fame since the movie. And point B) is that being a coyote ugly in real life, not the bartender kind, is a fucking insult. You never get with your friends and say proudly, "yeah, I hooked up with a coyote ugly last night!"

If you're a girl, and you want to be one of those bartenders, do us a favor and tell your step-daddy to stop fucking you, because it has severely damaged your ability to think rationally. It's kind of like...a specific movie scene come to life. Remember that movie, Adventures in Babysitting? Remember the part where Kris (Elisabeth Shue) catches her man cheating on her? And one of the kids she's babysitting, who also has a huge crush on her, tells him he should proud to be dating Kris? And the resident douchebag 80s boyfriend says, "don't waste your time, she's locked at the knees."?

The girl that was at the dinner kind of sniggers and laughs. Because years of her step-daddy busting a fat one on her has damaged her brain. He just called you a whore, in so many words! He has stated that he's willing to buy you an expensive dinner so he can fuck you, because he knows he can!

And that's what being a coyote is: having a guy buy you an expensive dinner because he knows you're a whore.