Fuck you, Beverly Cleary!
That's right, I said it. Fuck you, you make-believin' bitch! I've had it up to my eyeballs in your worlds that are completely and totally believable one minute, and the next, so hard to believe and follow up that I'm considering shooting myself so that I can escape the world in which Beverly Cleary exists to write books.
The irony here is that I find her books with Ralph S. Mouse completely plausible. It's her Ramona books I have a problem with, and because there are more Ramona books than Ralph S. Mouse books, I say, fuck you, Beverly Cleary. You read that right, folks. I have less of a problem believing a mouse can telepathically communicate with PEOPLE AND CAN MAKE VROOM-VROOM NOISES TO MAKE A TOY MOTORCYCLE MOVE!!! than I do that Ramona can come up with half the shit that happens in her life.
Take, for example, Ramona Forever. In that one book, the family cat, Picky-Picky dies, her aunt meets and marries a childhood crush, the babysitter for the girls (who is an old woman) blames Ramona for Willa Jean breaking an accordion, the mother has a baby. To which I say, fuck you. First of all, that's too much shit to throw at anybody in one book. Look at Lonesome Dove. 900+ pages, and they resolve every situation by the end of the book. Ramona has her adventures in like, a little over 100 pages. She could've condensed what all happened by cutting out, oh, most of that. Let's make the baby-havin' the priority of the book, and spend 5 chapters discussing that shit. Instead of focusing on her aunt getting married and moving to Alaska. Mostly because, it's the AUNT! Ain't no family on this planet that is that focused on the sibling of one of the parents. In fact, I'd wager that most of us don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about our aunt and uncles.
Secondly, the little spat with Ima Jean and the grandmother. Fucking edit that shit out. We don't need to have Ramona cry about how the grandmother of Willa Jean is unfair and doesn't like her. The bitch is old. If I had to guess, I'd say she was in her 80s or 90s. She doesn't like anybody or anything if it ain't Matlock. And of course she's not gonna blame her granddaughter for breaking shit. So you'd have to take matters into your own hands by taking Willa Jean out back and beating the living fuck out of her. She's 5, you're what, 8? 9? Take matters into your own hands.
See, if I had written that book, first of all, Ramona wouldn't be a little punk bitch. She'd be taking care of shit herself. But then, my target demographic isn't kids. It's adults.
The irony here is that I find her books with Ralph S. Mouse completely plausible. It's her Ramona books I have a problem with, and because there are more Ramona books than Ralph S. Mouse books, I say, fuck you, Beverly Cleary. You read that right, folks. I have less of a problem believing a mouse can telepathically communicate with PEOPLE AND CAN MAKE VROOM-VROOM NOISES TO MAKE A TOY MOTORCYCLE MOVE!!! than I do that Ramona can come up with half the shit that happens in her life.
Take, for example, Ramona Forever. In that one book, the family cat, Picky-Picky dies, her aunt meets and marries a childhood crush, the babysitter for the girls (who is an old woman) blames Ramona for Willa Jean breaking an accordion, the mother has a baby. To which I say, fuck you. First of all, that's too much shit to throw at anybody in one book. Look at Lonesome Dove. 900+ pages, and they resolve every situation by the end of the book. Ramona has her adventures in like, a little over 100 pages. She could've condensed what all happened by cutting out, oh, most of that. Let's make the baby-havin' the priority of the book, and spend 5 chapters discussing that shit. Instead of focusing on her aunt getting married and moving to Alaska. Mostly because, it's the AUNT! Ain't no family on this planet that is that focused on the sibling of one of the parents. In fact, I'd wager that most of us don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about our aunt and uncles.
Secondly, the little spat with Ima Jean and the grandmother. Fucking edit that shit out. We don't need to have Ramona cry about how the grandmother of Willa Jean is unfair and doesn't like her. The bitch is old. If I had to guess, I'd say she was in her 80s or 90s. She doesn't like anybody or anything if it ain't Matlock. And of course she's not gonna blame her granddaughter for breaking shit. So you'd have to take matters into your own hands by taking Willa Jean out back and beating the living fuck out of her. She's 5, you're what, 8? 9? Take matters into your own hands.
See, if I had written that book, first of all, Ramona wouldn't be a little punk bitch. She'd be taking care of shit herself. But then, my target demographic isn't kids. It's adults.
posted by Adam at
10:10 PM
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