Sometimes, in the world of entertainment, ideas that may have sounded good on paper actually suck tons of Paris Hilton herpes-infested vagina. They blow oh, so bad. They're so bad, that whatever good intentions they may have had are overshadowed by the badness and they become known as "Ideas so Shitty, You Have to Wonder, 'What the Fuck Did They Do That For?!'"
So, because I make top whatever lists so awesome, and you love me for them, I present to you The Worst Ideas in Entertainment History.
Getting Life Lessons from TV Shows: I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock if Ward and the gang from the 50s knew their shit. It doesn't mean it's gonna work again. And in fact, Ward didn't know his shit. He just raised two of the biggest pussies for sons. Wally and the Beaver were pussy ass little bitches, and Ward knew it. He just kinda hoped that nobody would ever clue in to that fact. Look, I saw an episode of Pee-Wee's Playhouse awhile back, and the anti-smoking message they had was with a future sex pervert and a fucking marionette. If you honestly saw that and said, "smoking's not cool at all!" then you're what's wrong with America today. And having Kirk Cameron tell us that cocaine isn't cool is just wrong. First of all, coke is awesome. Viva coke. Secondly, he also later became one of the most psychotic celebrity religious nuts to come out. So take whatever he says with a grain of salt.
White Guys Acting Black: I would applaud this idea simply because they do it for money, but still. This is kind of akin to Milli fuck Vanilli. I know tons of black people and NONE of them act like that. Not even the most ghetto of the homeboys act like Eminem or Bubba Sparxx.
Video-Game Based Movies: Hey, let's take a game that about, oh, 10 years old, and make a shitty movie about it starring two no-name actors and Dennis Hopper. The more I say it, the more I like it. Mark me down for a yes. It didn't end, there, either. Oh, no. Even after
Super Mario Bros. completely and totally bombed at the box office (and later it didn't even become a cult hit), movie studios have still continued to greenlight such awesome-o films like
Street Fighter,
Double Dragon and at least 3 Uwe Boll directed flicks. Speaking of that Hindenberg of a director, why the fuck do they even let him make movies anymore? Have they somehow missed
House of the Dead?! Look, at this point, let's just assume that movies based on video games suck more than Paris on a Friday night.
Uwe Boll: Enough said. No, you want more? OK. You can't be taken seriously, if you want to pick a fight with every critic who denounces your films. Motherfucker, I denounce your films. Anytime you wanna rumble, come the fuck on down the Louisiana. I'll kick the living fuck out of you from one end of this shithole state the other.
Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in ALLLLLLL of Mehico: When I was younger, my mom thought that Speedy Gonzales was a racist stereotype of Mexicans. To which I replied, "you mean you and meemaw and peepaw and your brother and sister are actually mice dressed up as humans? Should we get rid of the cat?" In actuality, the reason why this cartoon sucked is because Warner Bros. Cartoons only needed two or three sarcastic/funny animals that were the comedic foil to piss-poor plans of cartoon villains everywhere. One was Bugs Bunny, the other was Daffy Duck, and the third was Porky Pig. And none of them are you. Not even Wiley Coyote and his constant ass-kicking by his own hands was funny. Mostly because he was a mute.
Maxim Magazine: It's like Playboy, only they show no nudity, cuss a lot, and act like in order to be a man, you gotta eat red meat and potatoes at every meal, but dress up in Armani and shit. I got two things from reading Maxim for 3 years: one, metrosexuals get all the women, or think they do. And two, that magazine blows. The front 50 or so pages show men being all caveman-like in behavior and the way we're supposed to act. The back pages show men dressing up all dapper and debonair, to show that we can act like an asshole for a bit, but then we clean up nice. Not me. I'm an asshole day in and day out, motherfuckers.
Giving Talentless Celebrities Record Deals: Look, dickheads, you gave the wrong Osbourne a record deal! The Prince of Fucking Darkness, not his fat, bitchy daughter!
Crank Yankers: Prank phone calls were funny back when the phone first existed. And even then, just barely. They have gone the way of the dodo. So let's let them die gracefully.
