A serious, critical look at the Archie comics.
They suck more balls than Paris Hilton. Not only are they completely and totally full of bullshit, I can't even suspend my disbelief for one moment based solely on one character: Moose. You all know Moose. He's the schizo of the group. One minute he's playing some sport with Archie, Jughead and Reggie. And the next, somebody has said something as innocent as "hi!" to his girlfriend Midge, and then he's beating the living fuck out them, Tyler Durden-style.
It's because of this gigantic dumbass that I cannot enjoy these comics. First of all, let me say that I can enjoy fiction if I can believe that some, if not all, of the shit that's going down can actually happen. I mean, for superhero comics, I can suspend disbelief simply because it's supposed to be so fantastical that it doesn't matter if it's real or not. But Archie was based on the writer's own experiences as a teenager in Connecticut, so explain why I shouldn't be allowed to think that Jughead can eat a great deal, and a redheaded loser would wanna be smothered in lovin' from a sexy brunette and a smokin' blonde?
So that means that if'n I said hi to Midge, I can count on that big lumbering motherfucker to come out of some bush somewhere and kick my ass? Bullshit. I come from the South, motherfucker. Either I'll come back with about 3 more country-fed motherfuckers, or I'll do what my black friends do: roll 30 deep with a taillight out, you big son of a bitch. So you got a choice of me politely saying hi to your girlfriend, me and my country friends cracking your head to the white meat or you and her both getting shot in a drive-by. I'm rollin' through the hood, every nigger saying, "I'm supposed to die tonight." That's 50 Cent.
Seriously. One character has kept me from enjoying an agreeably decent comic. I remember reading one comic where Archie asked Midge for some homework assignment and Moose STILL kicked Archie's ass. If this were real life, Moose's ass would be in prison for all the assault and batteries he's committed.
Take Moose out, and the comic would be a decent toilet seat read.
It's because of this gigantic dumbass that I cannot enjoy these comics. First of all, let me say that I can enjoy fiction if I can believe that some, if not all, of the shit that's going down can actually happen. I mean, for superhero comics, I can suspend disbelief simply because it's supposed to be so fantastical that it doesn't matter if it's real or not. But Archie was based on the writer's own experiences as a teenager in Connecticut, so explain why I shouldn't be allowed to think that Jughead can eat a great deal, and a redheaded loser would wanna be smothered in lovin' from a sexy brunette and a smokin' blonde?
So that means that if'n I said hi to Midge, I can count on that big lumbering motherfucker to come out of some bush somewhere and kick my ass? Bullshit. I come from the South, motherfucker. Either I'll come back with about 3 more country-fed motherfuckers, or I'll do what my black friends do: roll 30 deep with a taillight out, you big son of a bitch. So you got a choice of me politely saying hi to your girlfriend, me and my country friends cracking your head to the white meat or you and her both getting shot in a drive-by. I'm rollin' through the hood, every nigger saying, "I'm supposed to die tonight." That's 50 Cent.
Seriously. One character has kept me from enjoying an agreeably decent comic. I remember reading one comic where Archie asked Midge for some homework assignment and Moose STILL kicked Archie's ass. If this were real life, Moose's ass would be in prison for all the assault and batteries he's committed.
Take Moose out, and the comic would be a decent toilet seat read.
posted by Adam at
9:44 PM
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