Che Guevara was here.

So begins a new year.

2008-03-03T01:57:00.002-06:00

Who gives a shit if I'm 3 months late for the new year? The last post on here was in November.

I'm not done blogging. Really, I'm not. There's no lame excuse of too much work, it's just...there's nothing really to blog about. What could I add about Paris Hilton's fortune being cut down considerably that nobody else hasn't already said? Oh yeah, it's about fucking time.

Even Bush got semi-smarter. Anyways. The point is, I'm moving. To my myspace. www.myspace.com/cherasputin That's where the new blogs are gonna be at.

Hope to see you there. And don't send me any bullshit porno ad spambots. It'll just make me angry, and I'll end up kicking your ass.

Fuck.

2007-11-01T02:07:00.000-05:00

So my efforts to rickroll the Internet were futile, to say the least. I kinda figured that by showing that bin Laden was dead, people would click and then go "fuck that blogger!"

But I was wrong. Answer me this: who the fuck is Kim Kardashian, why is she famous and am I supposed to care? Probably not. If she's famous for that fuck tape that got out, then let me say congrats. I bet mommy and daddy are super proud that the world has busted a fat one while listening to you moan, "I'm gonna cum!"

That alone was worth the admission price, my friends. Remember Paris's tape? Remember how she looked like a rubber fuck doll? Not Kim, oh no. She got on that nigga's dick and showed some enthusiasm. Just remember this: she has flava, that is, she will only fuck you if your ancestors spent time pickin' cotton.

She has a new "reality" series out, and all I want to know is: who the fuck said they wanted to see more of her clothed? She's good for 2 things: being used as a human sewage pipe, and being thought of as a human sewage pipe by me when I jack off.

Ask about the super cool t-shirts I have for anybody who promises to wear them.

You thought I was dead, but I sailed away, on a wave of mutilation.

2007-10-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

Holy shit, y'all. Bin Laden...the biggest pussy of them all...is dead. I can't even begin to describe how awesome this is. Check out the story, 'cause right now, I can't type out what I wanna say.

And I thought this year kicked ass at the cineplexes.

2007-09-13T13:38:00.001-05:00

In 2007, we had Spider-Man 3 and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. 4 years before, it was Hulk, X2 and Daredevil.

In 2008, we have The Dark Knight. And Iron Man.

Comic book nerds, you may commence busting a nut...right now. (Two separate links.)

Faked or not...

2007-09-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

Holy shit, this is the funniest video I've ever seen since that douchebag posted the newstory about pedophiles using the Nintendo DS as a means to molesting the chill'ens of the world. Although, after looking at the other videos that this 'mo put out, I can think we can safely say, no, this video was not faked.

"If you have a problem with Britney, you have a problem with me!"

First of all, kicking your gay ass would be considered a hate crime in ANY place in the world, even where gay people are openly beaten and mocked for their gayness. Secondly, we all know that I personally have no problem with white trash single moms. God (and my dick) knows that they're my bread 'n' butter. And no fucking shit she's not well! The bitch shaved her head, and she wasn't in G.I. Jane or Alien 3. She was just in L.A., and even there, that shit ain't normal.

Oh well. It could be worse. I blogged about it.

A memorial for 9/11.

2007-09-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, I missed the 11th. Well, not really. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until about 7 this morning.

Bin Laden is a pussy. A big, stinking, cow-lipped, dirty pussy. What he did is akin to a little brother picking a fight with somebody older and bigger than him, then letting you, the older brother, deal with the shit falling from the industrial sized fan.

He picked a fight with America, right after we elected Yosemite fuck Sam to be our leader, then hid like a little girl.

"OK, so, here's the deal: I'll train you to fly planes filled with Americans, oh, how I hate those fucks! Anyways, the planes will crash, killing you and those dastardly, assholish Americans. For your troubles, you shall be rewarded in Heaven with 73 women that Chuck Norris (fucker!!!) has already had sex with. Because, thanks to him, there are no more virgins on Earth.

What I will do is hide, and stay on the run from America's troops. Meanwhile, they will literally fuck the entire Middle East up. If you're brown, named Muhammed or have a hint of Middle Eastern in you, you'll end up dead. Sound good?"

Meanwhile, Ensign McRedShirt is nodding and agreeing because bin Laden has an AK-47 sitting in his lap, but in his head, he's thinking, "wait, you're gonna pull the biggest puss-out in human history, while I get blowed the fuck up? The more I say it, the more I like it. Mark me down for a yes."

I say this because, at least according to the rednecks who believe everything Bush tells them, this is exactly the type of discord that the terrorists thrive upon. I say this because awhile back, somebody called into "SpeakOut!" (something that appears in my dad's newspaper) because there was an editorial cartoon a few days before that made fun of Bush. Nobody at my dad's newspaper wrote or drew it, it was aquired through the use of the AP wire and Rutgers Wire. Or some other way.

They said, stupidly, that terrorists read the newspapers and saw us making fun of Bush and that the terrorists, sitting alone in their bunkers, realized that made us better targets. Bullshit. Terrorists hate us because of the simple fact that they have the mindset of a 13-year-old schoolyard bully in that if we don't like them, we must somehow be against them.

Also, because we like their enemies, and that somehow means we must also dislike them. And we do. We are literally the most advanced nation in terms of beer, porn, entertainment, the media, and useless gadgets. Any other country come up with the iPod or iPhone? But we dislike terrorists because we think we know better, and in all honesty, if we had just shut the fuck up and turned a blind eye to the horrors of third world countries and terrorist nations who think that the only answer is to kill your opposite while we pumped the oil, we'd probably be fine. Probably.

I started writing this almost 2 years ago. I'm just now getting it finished.

2007-09-10T01:50:00.000-05:00

*note: I started writing this back in May of '05. I tweaked it off and on since then, and today, while looking at what could be deleted and what-not, I decided to finish it half-assed, and then change the date that way, it ain't that difficult for you people to find it.

The rumble of the bike's engine came to a halt as Logan turned the bike off. According to the directions given to him by Professor X, this was the place. Camp Crystal Lake. Camp Blood. Forest Green. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. He looked around casually, sniffing for a hint of whatever it was he was sent to hunt down.
Nothing. Shit, he thought. "Another Banner assignment," he said to himself.

One Month Ago:

Charles Xavier sat in Westwood's office, listening for 10 minutes while the man explained himself.

"It's really quite simple. 4 months ago, we tried to hold a simple training exercise. When the recruits didn't return, we thought perhaps they were broken down on the side of the road. Getting a signal that high up in the mountains of Vermont is no easy feat."

Charles looked at the general. "And what did you find?"

"Mutilation, for lack of a better word. Massacre. Not a single survivor, and what's more, whoever killed them apparently believes in overkill. One young man was sliced in half."

"We've seen that before, General. Remember, one of my X-Men is a known soldier."

"Sliced in half vertically. And had his head stomped on."

Xavier knew why the General had called him in today. "So you want Logan to hunt down some indestructible boogeyman that nobody has ever really seen? Except right before their untimely deaths?"

"Yes and no. If it is possible to put Jason Voorhees down, then by all means, have Logan kill him. I do remember he managed to bring down Banner once and for all. And if not, then I have an entire platoon of Special Ops that are a backup option."

"What is this backup option you speak of?"

"Capture. Cryogenic freezing, then put him at the bottom of the ocean, at the bottom of the Marinas Trench."

Present:

The cigar's pungent aroma filled the immediate area. Wolverine was getting pissed off. Where was this Voorhees kid? he thought to himself. And then, his question was answered. The machete cut him deep, almost severing Logan's body in two. The cigar fell out of his mouth, and rolled to a nearby mud puddle, where it sizzled out.

Jason pulled the machete out and walked away, certain of another job well done.

"Hey, bub, you ain't finished yet. In fact, this is just getting started."

Jason slowly turned. He had seen the knife go through the man. He saw the blood on his clothes and the massive gash down one side of the jacket. The blood was on his knife. He started walking towards Wolverine, wondering why he's still alive.

With a growl, Logan leapt at Jason, shoving his claws deep into Jason's chest. Jason slammed his machete into Wolverine's arm, trying to get the man away from him.

It didn't work. The man pulled out the knives and then shoved them into Jason's head, a set on each side. Jason felt something new, something he'd never felt before. Pain. The man was hurting him, and this annoyed Jason. He dropped his machete, and punched the man, sending the man into a tree, along with parts of Jason's skull. Jason picked up his knife and began to slowly make his way to the man.

Wolverine had expected Jason to go down fairly quickly. But a new development had occurred. Jason was still standing, even though his claws had Jason's brains all along them. Not only was he standing, he seemed to be on the offensive.

New game plan, then, Wolverine thought. Let him tire himself out, then get good and angry. And go berserk on his ass.

Jason brought the machete down more forcefully this time, embedding into the man's torso. But he wasn't going to take any chances. He grabbed the man and threw him across the field, slamming the man into a cabin. Jason needed something new to put into the man. He looked to his left and saw a jagged metal pipe. He grabbed it and started towards the man, who was still down. He kicked the man and then slammed his foot in between his legs, sending the man into a world of pain.

Jason brought the pipe high above his head and brought it down with all the force he could muster.
Again and again, until the pipe was a dark red, and had chunks of flesh on it. Jason began to bring it down again, when suddenly, he stopped. The man had grabbed Jason's arm and was holding it inches above his bloody body.

"You've had a good go, bub. Now, it's my turn," Wolverine said.

SNIKT! He popped out his claws and shoved them through Jason's arm. Jason looked down at the claws sticking in his arms. He already knew that he could hurt, but what was this midget going to accomplish with this move?

Wolverine sensed Jason's wonderment and decided to answer him. With one swift stroke, he twisted his arm and claws, slicing Jason's arm off. Jason dropped the pipe and went to pick up his arm.

"We can't have that," Wolverine growled, and sliced off Jason's other arm.

Jason looked down at his arms. Blood continued to spurt out of the stubs, as anger gave way to confusion.

"You look a little lost, kid," Wolverine growled. He could barely speak, with only two teeth left in his mouth. The healing factor was working, but he still looked like fuck-pie. The initial cut into his body was only now starting to be completely healed. His head resembled diseased fruit from the blows to it from the metal pipe. From where his back had made contact with the cabin wall, he had a massive bruise that was slowly, but surely, going away.

"Let me explain some things to you: one, you're the bad guy. No offense or anything, but you gotta go. Two, I heal. Very, very, very quickly. And three, you really pissed me off with the whole kicking-me-in-the-nuts thing.

Jason looked up in time to see three claws coming at his head.

WHAM!

With the force of 10 men, Wolverine slammed a fist, claws and all, through Jason's head. His elbow was the only thing that stopped him.

"Alright, Westwood. You can come out now."

"Is he...dead?" Westwood asked.

"No, but it'll take him awhile to come outta that world o' hurt."

And then slowly, without any preamble, Logan walked off.

"Maybe I can play a hooker!"

2007-07-27T23:08:00.000-05:00

So I'm perusing maximonline.com the other day, and I see there Girlfriend of the Day. It's some college chick with huge boobies, and apparently, a decent-sized IQ. I dunno, I was concussed by the sight of such wonderful mammaries. Anyways, my questions is this: what fucking parent would be happy, or proud, that their child, the fruit of their loins, is the masturbation fantasy of a million men? Most of whom, are, undeniably, the basement-dwelling kind. The kind that get turned on when you punch them in the face.

I mean, I can kinda see being happy that they're happy, but come on. Who the fuck are you kidding?! Your daughter is, essentially, a hooker. I may not give her money, but she is the jizz receptacle for a million other guys just like me.

But sex sells. I guess. I always thought it was the sophomoric humor and liberal use of the word "fuck" but then again, what the hell do I know? I once wrote a post using the word shitty about a thousand fuckin' times to describe John Tucker Must Die.

Just...wow.

2007-07-11T21:09:00.000-05:00

I just sat and listened to possibly the most rambling, incoherent diatribe ever in my short life. This black guy sitting next to me started talking, almost as if to nobody. Just talking to himself it seemed, until he turned and asked if somebody named "D" was also known by Darius or Damien or some other name that starts with the letter d.

He was wanting to know where the white girls were at. 'Cause he loves white girls.

Now he's holding some random baby that some lady brought in that doesn't live here. And this guy reeks of alcohol.

Welcome to Natchitoches, Louisiana.

Now you people see what I have to deal with on a regular basis.

A serious, critical look at the Archie comics.

2007-07-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

They suck more balls than Paris Hilton. Not only are they completely and totally full of bullshit, I can't even suspend my disbelief for one moment based solely on one character: Moose. You all know Moose. He's the schizo of the group. One minute he's playing some sport with Archie, Jughead and Reggie. And the next, somebody has said something as innocent as "hi!" to his girlfriend Midge, and then he's beating the living fuck out them, Tyler Durden-style.

It's because of this gigantic dumbass that I cannot enjoy these comics. First of all, let me say that I can enjoy fiction if I can believe that some, if not all, of the shit that's going down can actually happen. I mean, for superhero comics, I can suspend disbelief simply because it's supposed to be so fantastical that it doesn't matter if it's real or not. But Archie was based on the writer's own experiences as a teenager in Connecticut, so explain why I shouldn't be allowed to think that Jughead can eat a great deal, and a redheaded loser would wanna be smothered in lovin' from a sexy brunette and a smokin' blonde?

So that means that if'n I said hi to Midge, I can count on that big lumbering motherfucker to come out of some bush somewhere and kick my ass? Bullshit. I come from the South, motherfucker. Either I'll come back with about 3 more country-fed motherfuckers, or I'll do what my black friends do: roll 30 deep with a taillight out, you big son of a bitch. So you got a choice of me politely saying hi to your girlfriend, me and my country friends cracking your head to the white meat or you and her both getting shot in a drive-by. I'm rollin' through the hood, every nigger saying, "I'm supposed to die tonight." That's 50 Cent.

Seriously. One character has kept me from enjoying an agreeably decent comic. I remember reading one comic where Archie asked Midge for some homework assignment and Moose STILL kicked Archie's ass. If this were real life, Moose's ass would be in prison for all the assault and batteries he's committed.

Take Moose out, and the comic would be a decent toilet seat read.

Mr. Ebert. Welcome back. We missed you.

2007-07-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

That works better when you of Agent Smith saying it, like he told Neo at the climactic battle at the end of Matrix Revolutions.

Or when Hugo Weaving provides the voice of Megatron for the Transformers movie, and Roger Ebert, my absolute favorite movie critic, seems to return to be the one who reviews it for the Chicago Sun-Times. Not only is he my favorite, he's the only one I pay any attention too. Pauline Kael? Fuck that dead bitch. Rex Reed can shave that mustache of his and shut the fuck up. And don't even get me started on Ebert's current partner, Richard Roeper. Let me just say this: if I see that piggly looking son of a bitch on the street, I'm gonna leave him where I find him. There's gonna be some furniture moving in this motherfucker!!!

Anyways. Welcome back, Mr. Ebert. Welcome back.

Myspace.com sucks.

2007-06-22T12:21:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it. And if you get upset over that, then you're what's wrong with this country.

This website, which I joined only to mock and ridicule Tila Tequila, is wholly without substance and is like the retarded child that is given attention just because. I don't know what's more pathetic: the fact that I stayed on the site so long, or the fact that Tom is your one default friend.

Let me explain why I hate myspace. For one, the bulletin board has become this place where spam email (that would've been deleted long ago) has now found a place to thrive, much like herpes and Paris Hilton's vagina. You never have people saying on their bulletins, "hey, there's a party happenin! Come join the fun!" No, no. Instead, you get people putting up crap like, "hey, if you agree with this stupid crap about being pro-God, repost this with the title 'Yay for God!'" Or 100 random facts about themselves that nobody gives a rat's hairy nutsack about. I got news for you: if any of you enjoy rock music or chinese food, I don't care. Nobody cares. Not even your significant other, who has been dating you, so they fucking know what you like and dislike.

That's a waste of bytes. Or something computer related. It's not really time-relevant to me, because I never read the fuckers to begin with. You could have it say, "Adam, read this bulletin and Halle Berry will magically appear right next to you! And she'll be happy to see you!" and I still wouldn't click. No, not because I know that for anything to Harry-fuck-Potter themselves to a location, we would need to exist in the confines of the actual books, but because it would mean that I would have to read some bullshit article on how some random biker was killed because a douchebag motorist didn't see him, or some such bullshit. First of all, it's not like bikers are as cool and awesome as pirates, so I say, "fuck bikers." Unless you're a Hell's Angel type of biker. In which case, I say it in my head.

Another bad thing is the fact that people still have private fuck profiles. Fucking why?! It's an online community! Make them public and shut the fuck up about how some stalker might see you and kill you. That is so self-centered and unlikely of happening on the 15th of "NEVER IN THIS FUCKING TIMELINE!!!" Let me explain how stalkers work: if you're famous. And that's about it. Don't think that just because Micheal J. Fox and Kevin Costner were stalked by crazy people, it's gonna happen to you. 'Cause it won't.

Speaking of profiles, you know what's annoying? When I try to reach out and touch (THANKS, AT&T!) old friends from high school and the sons-of-motherfucking-bitches never reply back. Let me clear something up: if your life is that fucking busy, explain why you have a myspace account to BEGIN WITH! What's the fucking point? It's so frustrating, it makes me want to headbutt a kitten.

But, and here's the M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist, I can't delete my personal myspace. My friend Jessica would have a cow that one of her only friends has bounced. And while normally I don't care, I do like her company and the two times we've bumped uglies. Yeah, boy!

And then, on the 8th day, God created Mel Gibson's temper. And it was fiery.

2007-06-18T10:07:00.000-05:00

So I was watching Braveheart the other day, and I gotta tell you, if this movie isn't based on complete and total historical fact, then I just don't ever wanna see it again.

Before I continue, let me apologize. I meant to blog the other day, but because the niggers who live around the apartment complex take over this place on the weekends (this place being the computer labs), I couldn't use a single computer. Let me also say that if you're offended by my use of that word, I say fuck you. Let's see you live in a place where they descend like locusts every weekend in a place they don't live, using facilities they don't pay for. It's like if they went to your house, and just made themselves at home.

Anyways. I'm watching Braveheart, and I just realized my favorite scene. It's not when William Wallace survey's the battleground and just screams, or when Longshanks pushes his son's gay lover (which really must've pissed him off, knowing that his son was the bottom) out of a window in a high-fuck-castle. It's when the English lord kills Wallace's wife and then says, "now let this scrapper come to me." Dude, that is a brave man. Brave, but stupid as all fuck. 'Cause then the scrapper does come. And fucks you and every Englishmen between Scotland and France up. I mean, he really fucks you up.

Look, all I'm saying is that when you kill a man's wife and then say, "now let him come to me" can be considered in the same ballpark as kicking Chuck Norris in the nuts as a way to start the greatest ass-kicking in the history of ass-kicking. Unless it was Laci Peterson you killed. Then I bet right about now, Scott would love you. Not love like the ass-fuckin' he's probably getting right now. Love like, "my new friend!"

Some dude in Japan is 111-years-old. His secret? Who fucking cares? He's a 111-years-old. He's just some old fucker who will do nothing but complain about how shit isn't the same, and then want his porridge. That's it. The picture they showed of him also made him look like an old mean bastard. That's probably his secret to longevity: being an asshole. If that's the case, hurray for me!

Anyways. Fat girl (Norm knows who I'm talking about) is playing loud, annoying ass rap music. So I'm gonna go.

This movie is so bad, it goes beyond bad, and right into the land of shitty shitty shitty.

2007-06-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

So I watched The Skulls. Again. For those of you who have never seen it, it's about a guy who joins a secret society, only to want to leave, after a cover-up. And a bad cover-up, too. Nothing like the JFK conspiracy or anything like, oh no. See, here's what happens: Luke McNamara (played by total 'mo Joshua Jackson) wants to join the secret society known as the Skulls, loosely based on real life secret society Skull and Bones, which our current president is/was a member of.

He wants to join the society because his mom died in a car accident (in a deleted scene, she abandoned him for unknown reasons, except that if she hadn't, there might not have been a movie. BITCH!!!), because if he does, they'll pay for law school, and that's what he really wants to be, but can pay for himself because he's constantly broke since his mom died/abandoned him! *takes deep breath like Ace Ventura when he solves a case*

Anyways. So his friends (played by Leslie Bibb and some black dude that's on CSI: New York) know that he wants to join the Skulls, and why he wants to join the Skulls. But herein lies the problem: because they're not true friends, when he joins, they act like dicks. Especially the black dude, who's name was Will Beckford. Will was doing an expose on the Skulls, and even broke into another Skull's car to steal his rule book and key to the ritual room. Unfortunately, that's when things go bad, and he ends up dead. How he ends up dead isn't really important, because it's all a cover up that's poorly written and thought out. Let's just say that he runs from Caleb Mandrake (Paul Walker), and accidentally falls down and is dying before Christopher Martin's character (we'll call him Shooter McGavin, in honor of the greatest movie villain of all time) comes in and finishes the job. 'Cause all that happens.

And I say, FUCK WILL BECKFORD! That son of a bitch knew what being a Skull meant to Luke. I got news for you: he was an asshole, not Luke's friend. For 3 years, that was Luke's fondest wish, to be a Skull. That, and to touch Leslie Bibb's boobie. After all, who doesn't enjoy touching boobies? And then Will, having to be all sneaky Mcjournalist, illegally breaks into a car and trespasses onto private property, all because he can't join a club for white kids.

Your so called best friend wants to join a secret society and you're initial reaction is to act like a little bitch and ruin his good time? Explain to me why Joshua Jackson spends even 5 minutes mourning the loss of this douchebag. Personally, I'd have been like, "you know what? You're right, this is bullshit. He broke into your pimpmobile, stole personal items, broke into here, and acted like a douchebag when something good had FINALLY come into my miserable existence I call a life. Fuck him, give me that check, and here: I wanna go to Harvard Law."

But no, instead of manning the fuck up and realizing that his "best friend" was acting like a little bitch, he cries and sets out to solve the murder. And then, he shows up, acting all bad-ass and they're like, "he came to pick up his check. Sweet." But still he picks fights.

Dude. Shut the fuck up, pour you some scotch, take a seat and RELAX! Solve the fucking murder, what's gonna happen? Nothing. He's dead and no longer ruining what friendship you did have by being a dickhead.

So to wrap this up: Paris Hilton is in jail, I enjoy strippers WAY too much and The Skulls is a horrible movie. Horrible, angry, young movie.

Every time black people call each other nigga, David Duke jacks off with glee and throws his poisoned semen all over the world.

2007-05-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

After living in Natchitoches for 3 months, I can see why the South lost the war. War is a snappy fuck event, and the South just doesn't move fast enough. Christ, the people of Natchitoches move so slow, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the town was routed and we surrendered here instead of at Appomattox.

Or wherever the fuck we surrendered. I dunno. All I do know is: this town blows. In more ways than one, too. THREE!!!

Ha, ha, I made a numbers joke. Apparently, Natchitoches is the gay haven of Louisiana. Not only do I room with 2 fags, I also saw two guys making out when I came in the front gates. Now, I'm progressive, but seriously. Go someplace else with that shit. I don't even like seeing straight people make out.

Why do they call Lindsey Lohan "Firecrotch"? Is it because her vagina is magical and shoot fireballs like it's Flower-Power Mario? Does she have some nasty STD? I'd hope it's the former, because that'd be awesome. And make me wanna see her movies that much more, in the hopes that she shoots one out.

A review of Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

2007-05-22T19:17:00.000-05:00

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,and she's probably getting frisky...
Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know...
(dude, aren't you blonde too? I'm not saying that all blondes are tramps, but, fuck, isn't it slightly hypocritical of you to hate on blondes?)

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
(hey, that's great. Now, not only does he absolutely know that you have vandalized his private property, he can prove it to the cops when he files a destruction of private property criminal charge on you. AND he can use it as proof that you're fucking nuts so now you'll have a restraining order against you.)

Right now, she's probably up singing somewhite-trash version of Shania karaoke...
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom Polo
And he don't know...
(that bathroom Polo is worth $3, but that ain't what you pay. And also, what fucking country jukebox dive bar in New fuckin' Orleans is gonna sell ANY cologne in their bathroom that ain't "Ode de Piss" or "Vomit"?! And if he was cheating on you with Shania fuck Twain, I say, "well played, old sport. You have truly moved up the ladder." And finally, if he was cheating on you already, I think his line of thinking was more along the road of "should I fuck her in the bathroom, my place, her place or my truck or all four?")

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats, I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
(once again, admitting to the crime ain't the smartest of things. Unless you're Al Qaida, the general rule of thumb for criminal masterminds is "never admit to guilt.")

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
Ohh... not on me...
(the only thing you did was give him proof of wrongdoing. While you're in jail, he'll not bang the blonde whore, he'll also fuck all your friends. And your mom. And your younger sister. And possibly your sexy, single aunt that divorced her douchebag husband years ago.)

Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...
(nope. Once again, he'll fuck all those other women while you sit in jail thinking, "the next time a boyfriend cheats on me, don't write my name into the leather. Perhaps I should take some anger management courses.")

"You have to ask yourself, how much more bad could it be? And the answer is none. None more bad."

2007-05-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, in the world of entertainment, ideas that may have sounded good on paper actually suck tons of Paris Hilton herpes-infested vagina. They blow oh, so bad. They're so bad, that whatever good intentions they may have had are overshadowed by the badness and they become known as "Ideas so Shitty, You Have to Wonder, 'What the Fuck Did They Do That For?!'"

So, because I make top whatever lists so awesome, and you love me for them, I present to you The Worst Ideas in Entertainment History.

Getting Life Lessons from TV Shows: I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock if Ward and the gang from the 50s knew their shit. It doesn't mean it's gonna work again. And in fact, Ward didn't know his shit. He just raised two of the biggest pussies for sons. Wally and the Beaver were pussy ass little bitches, and Ward knew it. He just kinda hoped that nobody would ever clue in to that fact. Look, I saw an episode of Pee-Wee's Playhouse awhile back, and the anti-smoking message they had was with a future sex pervert and a fucking marionette. If you honestly saw that and said, "smoking's not cool at all!" then you're what's wrong with America today. And having Kirk Cameron tell us that cocaine isn't cool is just wrong. First of all, coke is awesome. Viva coke. Secondly, he also later became one of the most psychotic celebrity religious nuts to come out. So take whatever he says with a grain of salt.

White Guys Acting Black: I would applaud this idea simply because they do it for money, but still. This is kind of akin to Milli fuck Vanilli. I know tons of black people and NONE of them act like that. Not even the most ghetto of the homeboys act like Eminem or Bubba Sparxx.

Video-Game Based Movies: Hey, let's take a game that about, oh, 10 years old, and make a shitty movie about it starring two no-name actors and Dennis Hopper. The more I say it, the more I like it. Mark me down for a yes. It didn't end, there, either. Oh, no. Even after Super Mario Bros. completely and totally bombed at the box office (and later it didn't even become a cult hit), movie studios have still continued to greenlight such awesome-o films like Street Fighter, Double Dragon and at least 3 Uwe Boll directed flicks. Speaking of that Hindenberg of a director, why the fuck do they even let him make movies anymore? Have they somehow missed House of the Dead?! Look, at this point, let's just assume that movies based on video games suck more than Paris on a Friday night.

Uwe Boll: Enough said. No, you want more? OK. You can't be taken seriously, if you want to pick a fight with every critic who denounces your films. Motherfucker, I denounce your films. Anytime you wanna rumble, come the fuck on down the Louisiana. I'll kick the living fuck out of you from one end of this shithole state the other.

Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in ALLLLLLL of Mehico: When I was younger, my mom thought that Speedy Gonzales was a racist stereotype of Mexicans. To which I replied, "you mean you and meemaw and peepaw and your brother and sister are actually mice dressed up as humans? Should we get rid of the cat?" In actuality, the reason why this cartoon sucked is because Warner Bros. Cartoons only needed two or three sarcastic/funny animals that were the comedic foil to piss-poor plans of cartoon villains everywhere. One was Bugs Bunny, the other was Daffy Duck, and the third was Porky Pig. And none of them are you. Not even Wiley Coyote and his constant ass-kicking by his own hands was funny. Mostly because he was a mute.

Maxim Magazine: It's like Playboy, only they show no nudity, cuss a lot, and act like in order to be a man, you gotta eat red meat and potatoes at every meal, but dress up in Armani and shit. I got two things from reading Maxim for 3 years: one, metrosexuals get all the women, or think they do. And two, that magazine blows. The front 50 or so pages show men being all caveman-like in behavior and the way we're supposed to act. The back pages show men dressing up all dapper and debonair, to show that we can act like an asshole for a bit, but then we clean up nice. Not me. I'm an asshole day in and day out, motherfuckers.

Giving Talentless Celebrities Record Deals: Look, dickheads, you gave the wrong Osbourne a record deal! The Prince of Fucking Darkness, not his fat, bitchy daughter!

Crank Yankers: Prank phone calls were funny back when the phone first existed. And even then, just barely. They have gone the way of the dodo. So let's let them die gracefully.

Bob Saget is the greatest actor to ever live.

2007-04-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it. And if you don't believe me, fuck you. Go watch Full House. Just one episode. It won't kill you. Personally, I prefer the episodes after Becky and Jesse got married and had the twins. That was when Michelle and Stephanie were always having those stupid pissing contests about how now that they were in 1st grade or 6th grade, they were "grown-up, mature women" now. Fuck that. You're a grown up when you're included in my spank bank, end of the fucking argument.

Now that you've spent 30 minutes in bad sitcom hell (I don't care what you fuckers say, Dave Coulier's Uncle Joey wasn't needed past season 3.), go and enjoy The Aristocrats. And watch that scene from Half-Baked, where he admits to sucking dick for coke.

Now tell me that he's not the greatest actor ever.

I spend a lot of time watching tv. I love tv. It's not that I think the shows are original or anything, it's that it's a great way to kill time. And you can judge where a society is by watching tv. But last night, I was flipping through the channels and came across some show where women compete to be a Coyote Ugly. And I wondered to myself, "what self respecting woman wants to be a Coyote Ugly?" It's like the myspace I read earlier by Lauren Hastings, where she said it's every young girl's dream to be a model.

Now call me crazy, but neither one of my sisters wanted to be models. One wanted to a doctor of medicine (she's about to graduate from U.T. with a degree in Art History), and the other is about to go to U.T. as a poli-sci major. And while I can't judge EVERY woman in the history of time on them, I will use them as the barometer.

I digress.

No, being a Coyote Ugly is a bad thing. For those of you who are retarded and saw the movie, Coyote Ugly, no explanation of what one is is necessary. For those of you who saw that trailer and said, "wow. That looks bad," here's an explanation: a coyote ugly is when you go to the bar and get so hammered, you hook up with somebody that is so grotesque that when you wake up from the drunken sex stupor, you'd rather chew off your own arm rather than risk waking them up and wanting another round.

Now, the reason why girls wanna be one is because they saw that movie and somehow missed the main points: A) that movie was so bad, NOBODY involved with it, save for Jerry Bruckheimer, has managed to salvage their careers from it. Not a single fucking one. Piper Perabo? Please. That bitch stole Leanne Rimes' man, and that's her biggest claim to fame since the movie. And point B) is that being a coyote ugly in real life, not the bartender kind, is a fucking insult. You never get with your friends and say proudly, "yeah, I hooked up with a coyote ugly last night!"

If you're a girl, and you want to be one of those bartenders, do us a favor and tell your step-daddy to stop fucking you, because it has severely damaged your ability to think rationally. It's kind of like...a specific movie scene come to life. Remember that movie, Adventures in Babysitting? Remember the part where Kris (Elisabeth Shue) catches her man cheating on her? And one of the kids she's babysitting, who also has a huge crush on her, tells him he should proud to be dating Kris? And the resident douchebag 80s boyfriend says, "don't waste your time, she's locked at the knees."?

The girl that was at the dinner kind of sniggers and laughs. Because years of her step-daddy busting a fat one on her has damaged her brain. He just called you a whore, in so many words! He has stated that he's willing to buy you an expensive dinner so he can fuck you, because he knows he can!

And that's what being a coyote is: having a guy buy you an expensive dinner because he knows you're a whore.

Fuckin' A, man.

2007-04-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

So I thought Jack Thompson was a boil on the ass of humanity with his "violent video games are what's wrong with the world today" bullshit. But then the WBC decided they needed to protest at the funerals of the kids who were at Virginia Tech.

Can anybody tell me why these people haven't had the ever-lovin' shit beaten out of them yet?! I mean, seriously. I say a bunch of us get in a car, drive up to wherever they live in Kansas, then beat them like Joe Pesci got beaten at the end of Casino. I mean, just lay a good, old-fashioned ass-whuppin' on them, redneck-meets-mob-boss-style. Then, at the end of all the bloody shenanigans, yell out, "AUSTIN 3:16, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"

I bet not even Vince McMahon and his greedy ass would wanna sue.

Speaking of wrestling. I was watching some match between John Cena and Shawn Michaels. Apparently, I missed Cena getting hurt in his shoulder and Michaels getting hurt in his back. But, and here's where it gets funny, I realized that if you're too fucking stupid to realize that wrestling offers proof that it's fake, then you shouldn't be allowed to watch it. Cena has his shoulder so fucked up, that he is constantly grabbing it in pain, yet he can lift a man onto said shoulder, sans problems. Same for Michaels.

I'm watching it, mildly entertained because at 11 pm, anything is fucking entertaining. But as I watch it, the announcers are like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TOUGH THESE GUYS ARE!"

That's the magic of steroids. But it's the magic of faking injuries so that they can make this crap seem more dramatic than it really is.

And before you say it, yes, I know I went from thing to another without much of a segue.

2007-04-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

For those who spent today in bed, sleeping, there was a massive shooting at Virginia Tech. 32 are confirmed dead, and 12 are in the hospital listed under serious condition. There were 2 seperate shootings, 2 hours apart on opposite ends of the campus. Apparently, during the first shooting, located in a co-ed dormitory, the gunman (who may never be identified, as when he committed suicide, his face was too badly damaged to get a proper ID), lined people and then executed.

And very soon afterwards, Jack Thompson was on the news ranting and raving and railing against violent video games, saying that it's their fault somehow. Jack, I realize that you love it when shit like this goes down, but let me just say: shut the fuck up. It's too early. This shit just happened. Christ, Geraldo is covering this. We as responsible, intelligent gamers cannot have both you and him coming at us during all this. You went all batshit crazy trying to prove a man from an Amish fuck community shot up the school last year, and you were wrong. So before you start in here, why not, oh, I don't know, take a moment to reflect on that and perhaps get your facts in? I mean, I realize that as a young boy, a video game raped you, but seriously. Come on. Shut the fuck up.

At this point, what we need to focus on is why, after the first shooting, the campus wasn't shut right the fuck down. I mean, seriously. The gunman LINED PEOPLE UP! Then he fucking shot and killed them. Seriously, why wouldn't you shut the place down? I got news for you: even the Amish shut their school down and stopped building barns for a couple of days before they went back to their normal routine. Currently, I live in a college town (unhappily, but I do it for the children) in Louisiana. Louisiana, is a state, according to the Shreveport newspaper, that is number 10 on the Top 20 Most Dangerous States to Live In. And (and there's also no connection and you'd be a fool to make one) Louisiana is 49th or 50th, I forget which, in state-ranked education. So even if someone got all violent and whatnot here in Natchitoches, even if they got all violent, and because the state is made of retards and fuck ups, they'd still evacuate and close the place down.

2 hours in between rampages. Christ, you couldn't prevented a lot more shit if you'd just taken the time to say, "classes have been cancelled, please see the police officers in full SWAT gear to be taken to a safe haven."

I'm seriously wondering what you're thinking when you say, "no, no. We won't close the school down. This is an isolated incident. We don't need to close anything down."

Thank you, to Tim Buckley for not suing me for stealing his comic without his permission off his website. www.ctrlaltdel-online.com better than penny-arcade.com, and funnier, too.

Once again...SPARTANS!!! TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!

2007-04-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

OK, this may seem slightly like overkill, but this is just funny as two rats sucking each other off.

SPARTANS!!! Enjoy your breakfast, and eat hearty! For tonight, WE DINE...IN HELL!!!

2007-04-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

Mighty Ducks and 300?! Emilio Estevez, an Iceland team that is reminiscent of Ivan "I Must Break You" Drago and the manliest man movie ever made since Fight Club?!

Yes, please.

Well, isn't this just the juiciest bit of a delicious steak.

2007-04-12T15:35:00.000-05:00

So you might've noticed that for awhile now, I haven't referenced the Westboro Baptist Church. That'd because that group is beyond fucking insane. They have gone around the bend and lapsed themselves.

And not only did they do that, they also did with the help of their children.

I saw a video today, and there's this Limey there, right? And he asks the 7-year-old holding a protest sign, "do you understand what that says?"

The kid looks at the sign, then shakes her fucking head NO. I cannot make this up. The kid doesn't understand what she's protesting against, even after her psychotic mother breaks it down for her in only a way that a member of the Phelps' clan could.

"Fags are bad." Or something like that. She can't even call them gays, which would help her child (and thus, her fucking CAUSE!) understand what the fuck is going on. No, she has to call them fags.

What I don't understand is why, after that video is shown, someone doesn't swoop in and take the child away for a little chat.

"Your parents are fucking nuts. Do you understand? No? OK, here, this should help you. Your parents are fucking retarded. You know what that means, right? You do? Excellent. Here, meet your new foster parents."

See, I haven't mentioned them because I feel that the reason why they keep doing what they're doing is because we keep giving them attention. They're like the annoying cousin that eventually, you just take out back and beat the living fuck out of. But until you do that, you ignore them for as long as you can.

Fuck you, Beverly Cleary!

2007-04-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it. Fuck you, you make-believin' bitch! I've had it up to my eyeballs in your worlds that are completely and totally believable one minute, and the next, so hard to believe and follow up that I'm considering shooting myself so that I can escape the world in which Beverly Cleary exists to write books.

The irony here is that I find her books with Ralph S. Mouse completely plausible. It's her Ramona books I have a problem with, and because there are more Ramona books than Ralph S. Mouse books, I say, fuck you, Beverly Cleary. You read that right, folks. I have less of a problem believing a mouse can telepathically communicate with PEOPLE AND CAN MAKE VROOM-VROOM NOISES TO MAKE A TOY MOTORCYCLE MOVE!!! than I do that Ramona can come up with half the shit that happens in her life.

Take, for example, Ramona Forever. In that one book, the family cat, Picky-Picky dies, her aunt meets and marries a childhood crush, the babysitter for the girls (who is an old woman) blames Ramona for Willa Jean breaking an accordion, the mother has a baby. To which I say, fuck you. First of all, that's too much shit to throw at anybody in one book. Look at Lonesome Dove. 900+ pages, and they resolve every situation by the end of the book. Ramona has her adventures in like, a little over 100 pages. She could've condensed what all happened by cutting out, oh, most of that. Let's make the baby-havin' the priority of the book, and spend 5 chapters discussing that shit. Instead of focusing on her aunt getting married and moving to Alaska. Mostly because, it's the AUNT! Ain't no family on this planet that is that focused on the sibling of one of the parents. In fact, I'd wager that most of us don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about our aunt and uncles.

Secondly, the little spat with Ima Jean and the grandmother. Fucking edit that shit out. We don't need to have Ramona cry about how the grandmother of Willa Jean is unfair and doesn't like her. The bitch is old. If I had to guess, I'd say she was in her 80s or 90s. She doesn't like anybody or anything if it ain't Matlock. And of course she's not gonna blame her granddaughter for breaking shit. So you'd have to take matters into your own hands by taking Willa Jean out back and beating the living fuck out of her. She's 5, you're what, 8? 9? Take matters into your own hands.

See, if I had written that book, first of all, Ramona wouldn't be a little punk bitch. She'd be taking care of shit herself. But then, my target demographic isn't kids. It's adults.

This game* mocks me.

2007-04-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

I sat here for 30 minutes trying to think of something to blog about.

I got nothing.

*if I ever meet the inventor of solitaire, I'm kicking the living fuck out of him and the pissing on his broken, bleeding body.

How many college bands can you listen to?!?

2007-03-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

I ask this only because earlier, while trying to peruse the latest movie trailers online, this one fucker just kept watching these college marching bands AT THE HIGHEST FUCKING VOLUME YOU CAN TURN YOUR COMPUTER ON!!!

And so I asked him, very politely, "hey, do you mind like turning that shit right the fuck down? I'm trying to watch some trailers at a reasonable volume, but I can't hear them because you have to listen to some shitty college marching band play some bullshit song that's been marching band-ized so people won't leave during HALFTIME!"

And he said no, so I went to my room, grabbed a hammer, came back and smashed the monitor AND tower so he couldn't watch them anymore.

Not really, no, but I did tell him that if he didn't stop, I may have to take the monitor and break it over his fucking head. Perhaps I was harsh, but seriously, once you've seen one college marching band, you've pretty much seen them all. The only things that change are the costumes and maybe what shitty songs they play, and that's about it. Because of the movie Drumline, suddenly, every single school is a Grambling wanna-be, so they trot the fuck out there, acting like they're 100 black people that have fucking rhythm, and they don't. But apparently, he doesn't like me threatening him, so he asks if I want to step outside.

"Yes, I'd love for you to step the fuck outside so I can watch at least one trailer. Just turn it the fuck down! The volumes controls are like Taco Bell cups! That is to say, a medium is really a large and a large is a "holy fuck, however can I drink all this?!"

I hate Natchitoches. I hate the college students that permeate this town like a plague of zombies that love MTV and wear Abercrombie and Fitch. I hate the fact that the town never had the foresight to build the town, instead of AROUND the train tracks, thus splitting the town into three different places that make it exceedingly difficult to get around (the river is number three in that regards), but rather, like most other towns by placing the tracks on the outskirts. I hate the fact that the people travel no faster than 10 miles an hour. Let's just say that at this point, if a terrorist wanted to blow Natchitoches right the fuck up, I'd say, "hey, Jack Bauer. Chill out on this one. Trust me, we won't be missing much."

They seriously have a railroad track right in the middle of town, splitting one side of town into two sections. And the best part of that is that you cannot bypass it, should a train decide it needs to transport goods to the needy folks of wherever. So let's assume you actually get over the tracks. You now have two options: stay straight, or turn left. If you stay straight, you get to go through a 4-way stop that defies all normal nature of a 4-way stop. That is to say, it's slower than two old people fucking. But if you turn left, at any time of the day other than, say, 5 am, it's pretty much jammed full of cars. It's like nobody but me sees the huge problem with this town.

Oh, and I was called negative the other day. Yes. Yes, I am. I am a negative asshole. I enjoy it. I revel in it. There is nothing I love more than being a complete and total dick to everyone, regardless of how nice they are to me. Why? Because it keeps you fuckers away from me.

2007-03-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

Now, after the debacle with my PS2, I was slightly reluctant to return to Sony waters. Despite the fact that Microsoft has abandoned the XBOX like Dane Cook leaving some kids in the woods, I still see no real reason to play Playstation games or even buy a PS2. Now a PS3, that's a different fuck story, now isn't it? Resistance: Fall of Man is just badass like Steve McQueen.

But I played God of War II the other day, and this comic strip just lets you in on the awesomeness of the Chuck Norris of video games. I was over at a friend's house, and we had essentially the same conversation. Only we said that every other video game is a Strawberry Shortcake Doll. This game is the game that kidnaps those other games, beats them, then rapes them in a small, quiet patch of woods out in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.

And that, my friends, is why whenever somebody plays God of War II or it's predecessor, an angel gets its wings.

Yay for Jell-O!!!

2007-03-22T18:03:00.000-05:00

If'n I don't get some pussy sometime very soon, I think I may have to kill somebody and fuck their corpse. And if you think I'm bullshitting, come live where I live. Nothing but hotties all over the place.

Today at work, I overheard somebody say, "all I want in a man is somebody who is kind, smart, funny, honest, and handsome."

What they really meant to say is, "I want somebody who will treat me like a bag of Paris Hilton douche and thinks that somehow, on some planet far, far, far away somebody like Carlos Mencia is funny. Carlos Mencia is funny in the same way Garfield is funny: once in a blue fuckin' moon. And that's it.

...I'm getting offtrack here, but the girl sitting next to me is a kind of "let's fuck right now on the table" sexy. I bet she's not wearing any panties.

*feigns dropping a pen*

Nope. And the dress is just rolled up slightly, with her legs parted ever so slightly, wait, scratch that, with her legs parted like she wants to climb in between them and eat her like a Jew seeing water after wandering around in the desert for 40 fuckin' years... My God, woman! I haven't gotten near a pussy this achin' to be fucked in years. She could have the intelligence of a casaba melon, I'd still fuck her 3 ways from sunday.

Come home to Jamaica.

And fuck pudding!

2007-03-20T20:26:00.000-05:00

I honestly thought it'd be a lot harder than this to post a blog. Those of you who are my myspace friends already know this.

So I've been in Natchitoches for all of 4 days. Time to fill in the gaps, iTunes-Christmas gift style.

Saturday: wake up at the ungodly fucking hour of 7 am after spending most of Friday night at my friend Joe's house playing poker and drinking hard. I am hungover, tired and I broke down and cried like a little bitch as I was leaving his house. I pack up the remainder of my shit and me, mom and dad leave for Shreveport so we can have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel.

Saturday, 830 am: we arrive at Cracker Barrel. There's no hostess on duty, just a sign that says, "seat yourself." They should've added either the word motherfucker or bitches. Just to make things interesting.

Saturday, 855 am: waitress finally arrives to take drink and food order.

Saturday, 955 am: receive lukewarm food and blueberry pancakes that taste exactly like blueberry pancakes. If a bear ate them, then shit them out and they laid in a pile of bear poo and dirt for 3 years in a damp forest.

Saturday, 1115 am: arrive in Natchitoches. As I have always feared with the state of Louisiana, not only are the people immensely ugly, they are incredibly stupid. Not all, but most. I sign the lease and whatnot, and we begin to move me into a third floor apartment I chose solely based on the fact that a chick (whom I later learn is a total lesbian) lives there with 2 other guys. I think, "alright. 3's Company hijinks!"

Saturday, 1200 pm: mom finds stack of Playboys. All told, I only have 4 copies. Mom says to Dad, very loud and with them in hidden in plain fuckin' sight, "here, hide these in a pillowcase!" Because nobody can see them or figure out that what's being hidden in the pillowcase is dirty, naughty porn. Yeah, there's using discretion right there. Get indignant with Mom after Dad gives me disappointed, dirty look. "Ignorance can be bliss, mom, jesus!" I'm 25, single with no fuck buddy within 20 miles. Of course I own porn.

Saturday, 115 pm: meet first male roommate, begin to plan hijinks.

Saturday, 117 pm: find out first male roommate is gay. Oh yeah, so is second one. I am the only straight guy in a gay apartment.

Saturday, 120 pm: begin to think "I must move, and not fear for that I'll be butt-raped in my sleep, but because I have zero in common with two gay guys and a lesbian."

Sunday, 9 pm: meet hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Decide that she is indeed gorgeous and having gay friends will work to the advantage of me and my loneliness.

Sunday, 901 pm: begin to plot romantic way to sweep gorgeous, straight female friend off her feet. Ignore the advice of MTV and their devil's advertisers and decide that in order to win her heart, I must think in terms of Hitch. Thank you, Kevin James, for giving a fat, funny fellow like me hope.

Monday, 845 am: wake up and realize that for the first time since turning 21, my liver was not punished. Compensate by swearing an undying allegiance to beer forever.

Monday, 10 am: visit apartment managers, and make preparations to move into apartment with somebody I might have something in common with. Luck shines on me, and I see a baseball player with an XBOX 360 and season 2 of Entourage on DVD on floor. Also notice pot, but decide not to narc anybody out. Until now, that is, apparently.

Monday, 1147 am: call up Chris at Lack's because he's the only one not fighting with a spouse and/or willing to call me back or even pick up the phone. I am LONELY, here, fuckers. Help me out by being a friend, or bringing me women.

Monday, 737 pm: ask to watch 24 and realize that I may not be in the best place, if I have to ASK to watch my favorite TV show. Granted permission, so I dance in my head. Also meet equally sexy straight, female friend of gay roommate, part 2. Begin to regret decision to move, especially after finding out that she might be moving into the apartment in May.

Tuesday, 534 pm: Meet other hot, straight female friend of first gay roommate. Realize that decision to move was hasty. Say to myself, in private, "think Hitch."

And I'm out this motherfucker!

2007-03-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

Come Saturday, I'll be living in Natchitoches, LA. I anticipate this being fairly permanent. I don't have a computer, and I don't know how easy I'll have access to a computer, so let's assume this is my final post.

Let say this, first of all: it has been my honor to mock and ridicule and point the stupidity of the world on a semi-regular basis for you. I will miss writing hateful, mean-spirited things about Paris Hilton. A herpes-infested gutter-slut whorebag that deserves to be beaten, raped, skinned and then drug, naked, through the streets of L.A. on broken glass. At best. I'll also miss pointing out that Bush is a retard.

So, in the time honored tradition of me giving and you selfish, needy fuckers constantly taking, I'm here to whet the jonesin' you all have for Saved by the Bell.

I'll see you when I see you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHUCK NORRIS!!!

2007-03-10T09:29:00.000-06:00

Today, the greatest human in the history and span of time and the cosmos turns 67. And you know what? You still couldn't kick his ass. He might be 67, but you couldn't lay a finger on him. Odd fact: Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago, but the Grim Reaper was too much of a pussy to tell him he died.

So today, we celebrate Chuck Norris. By admiring his greatness.

Chuck Norris was once having sex in a tractor-trailer, when some of his sperm escaped and got into the engine. Today, we know this truck as Optimus Prime.

The reasons why 9.11 happened wasn't over oil. It's because the Jihadists are pissed that they can't say that there are 73 virgins waiting for them in Heaven. Just 73 women who've had sex with Chuck Norris.

According to Batman, Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn't turn on the lights, he turns the dark off.

I once read in a history book that the reason why Rosa Parks didn't get up, is because she was saving Chuck Norris' seat.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. That's why M.C. Hammer isn't famous anymore.

According Judas' gospel, the Romans wanted to crucify Chuck Norris with Jesus, but they couldn't get the nails through his hands. They let him off with a warning. He left them with a warning, too. We know that warning as the Book of Revelations.

The only reason Chuck Norris has never worn an Academy Award is because nobody in their right mind would give Chuck Norris a blunt, metal object. That's just suicidal.

According to Mexican legend, pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

The best part of waking up is not Folger's in your cup, but realizing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

It may look, taste, smell and feel like chicken. But if Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's fucking beef.

My friend who spent the night at Chuck Norris' house says that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight on. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

According to the makers of calendars, they have to make a special one for Chuck Norris. It goes from March 31, and then skips to April 2. Because nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They're now known as The Islands.

I once saw an episode of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune where Chuck Norris was the first to spin the wheel. The next 29 minutes was everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.

According to leading veternarians, Chuck Norris' dog picks up its own shit, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anybody.

Let me see you on the street, I'll leave you wherever I find you, you hillbilly-degenerate motherfucker. Part 2.

2007-03-03T11:18:00.001-06:00

Occasionally, after I've written something, I come up with a better and funnier way to make everyone laugh and say, "yeah! Let's kick some ass!!" In this one, I dissect the lyrics to Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.

Verse 1:
American girls and American guys
We'll always stand up and salute
We'll always recognize when we see old glory flying
Theres a lot of men dead so we can sleep in peace at night
When we lay down our head

*True, but then again, veterans of World War II are dying at an alarming rate. What, that was the last time any war was fought that could arguably be about freedom. Oh, yeah right, like Ho Chi fuck Minh and his Vietcong army was gonna come rolling down Broadway flying the hammer and sickle. Even if he had somehow lived to see the outcome of the war (he died about 1 or 2 after the U.S. became involved), he still wouldn't have sent troops over here. You know why? 'Cause we would've fucked them up 3 ways from Sunday. The only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang. And that's all she wrote.

Verse 2:
My daddy served in the army
Where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard, until the day that he died
He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy, in the land of the free.

*Oh really, fucknut? I was born blind in my right eye. And the son of a bitch is crossed. Top that.

Verse 3:
Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flyin' in
From somewhere in the back
Soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world like the 4th of July

*Yeah, except a sucker punch is when you don't really expect it. Kind of like the time when John Wilkes Booth assassinated Lincoln. Or when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor*. See, what makes 9.11 not a sucker punch is because, um, we had intelligence to show us that there was an attack being planned, but everybody chose to ignore the intelligence. So while it makes for a nice line in a song, it's also, uh, wrong. And we didn't light up their world like the 4th of July, so much as we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then sent in troops to kill anybody left over. If we lit up their world like the 4th of July, something tells me we'd still be talking about that shit to this day.

Verse 4:
Hey Uncle Sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, its gonna be hell when you hear mother freedom
Start ringin her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

* The Statue of Liberty? The gift from France that's been a symbol a peace since it's design? That symbol of peace started shaking her fist? I mean, obviously not literally shaking her fist, 'cause it's an inanimate object incapable of movement without Mood Slime (trademark from Ghostbusters II) and Jackie Wilson. But you mean to tell me that you just decided that a symbol that was designed for peace to help usher in and welcome immigrants from across the world has suddenly became a symbol of WAR?! ARE YOU RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR SMALL, GOP-LEANING MIND?!!?!?! THAT'S THE DUMBEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, AND MY GOVERNOR IS RICK FUCKIN' PERRY**!!!

Verse 5:
Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And youll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A. 'cause we'll put a boot in your ass
Its the American way

*Yes, it's the American way to show how stupid and violent we are. 'Cause if we don't like how you do shit, we'll break the door down and fuck you up. Not really, no. Just if you, you know attack us. But then again, that's also the Canadian way, the Mexican way, the Australian way, the Irish way (definitely the Irish way), and pretty much any country with any self-respect way. Are you fucking serious? There's not a country or government around today that would let somebody get away with that shit if they were from out-of-town. I guaran-fuck-tee you that if an American went to Cuba and blew up a small chunk of Havana, the Cuban government would start kicking some American ass. It's just a common courtesy. Blow up your own people, that's fine, but it's kind of an unspoken rule that you don't act like a dick to everyone else. Kim Jong "Kimmie Gibler" Il knows this, but then again, he's gone insane with power and dickheaded-ness. Here, to put it another way: not even the French would allow for that pussy-ass 9/11 bullshit to go down in France. That I promise you.

Verse 6:
Repeat of verse 4

By the way, I reprinted this song without Toby Keith's knowledge or permission. If you have something to say about it, then come on down, as they say in The Price is Right. Better bring a sack lunch, 'cause I ain't no easy win, nigga. I may not be skilled in kung-fu or any of that bullshit, but I am skilled in Joe Pesci-fu.

*there is some that say that the U.S. government had intelligence pointing out that the Japanese were going to attack. I think that is some bullshit. however, we DID have the intelligence pointing out an attack like 9/11.

**by the by, I'm all for Rick Perry selling the state lotto to a private firm, except that he should've kept the part about how they might make more money than the state a secret. That's like saying, "Kennedy's assassination wasn't part of a conspiracy!" and then showing us photos of the grassy knoll with 5 gunmen with automatic rifles.

Let me see you on the street, I'll leave you wherever I find you, you hillbilly-degenerate motherfucker.

2007-02-27T16:16:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I get bored, I go to wikipedia and look up random things. Like one time I spent the entire day looking up porn starlets. Sad, but true. Sad, but fucking true. Today I looked up the Dixie Chicks, 'cause if I were given half a chance, I'd fuck those three hotties 8 ways from Sunday. The Kama Sutra wouldn't have shit on me and them.

But in reading about them, you will inevitably read about their little spat with the rest of America who's so pro-Bush, they ignored the fact that when Natalie Maines said that they were ashamed of Bush being from Texas, they were enjoying "freedom of speech." And of course, when somebody insults the government, you can be damn sure that either Toby Keith or Larry the Cable Guy will involve themselves in it. But this is about Toby Keith.

Except for this paragraph, where I will rip Larry the Cable Guy. If you like this "comedian," and I use that word loosely, you're what's wrong this country. You might get mad about me saying that, but you're not focusing on a bigger issue: why do you like shitty comedians?! Whenever I hear people describing him, they always say how brilliant he is. Then why the fuck does he spend a goddamn hour-and-a-half talking like a hick that dropped out of high school so he could pick boogers and make fart jokes?! If he were as smart as they say he is, he'd have an act reminiscent of Lewis Black or David Cross, or even Ron White. But no, instead, we get fart jokes, booger jokes, lame wordplay jokes, and him constantly yelling out "git 'r done!"

Anyways. Natalie, the sexiest of the Chicks, decides that Toby Keith's song where he talks about putting a boot in somebody's ass makes country music look ignorant. I must say, though, Nat, that he's been doing that for years. It'd kind of hard not too, when you're a gigantic waterhead-lookin' motherfucker like he is. Anyways, his idea of fighting back was saying that she can't write songs, and that he's a songwriter. Well, that may be asshat, but you don't write a song about it being the American way to put a boot in somebody's ass. That's like being proud of being a redneck hillbilly motherfucker who beats the fuck out of people who disagree with him.

But in doing some more research, I find that the war the Dixie Chicks eventually protested against is also a war that Keith never supported. Wait, let me understand this: you don't support the war and yet you have the balls to get pissed at them?! What the fuck kind of logic are you using, you shit-kicking, cowboy motherfucker? Seriously. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my entire life. If you're gonna say some shit like that, then just stay quiet. Or, in an extreme case, fucking lie.

*remember the scene in Casino where Joe Pesci beats the fuck out of the country fucker for putting his feet up on the table? I wanted to link that, but couldn't find it.

My advice: speak softly and carry a big dick.

2007-02-23T17:11:00.000-06:00

Men's magazines are some fucked up bullshit. Because of crap like Maxim and Stuff (the illegitimate offspring of Maxim for retards and fuck-ups), regular schlubs will actually think they have a chance to date a supermodel. From here on out, I'm reading Redbook and Woman's Day. Laugh all you want, I'm not the one who's gonna be getting denied by supermodels, I'm gonna have some kick-ass recipes for muffins, casseroles and what-not.

I bring this up because I was at Books-a-Million (that's a bookstore, Wendy. I realize that you're too fucking stupid to put 2 and 2 together and come up with a store that sells books. 'Cause books are like kryptonite to your fat, bulbous ass.) and saw one of those shitrags with tips from supermodels themselves on how to date supermodels.

Because we all know that the guys who read this blog are gonna be meeting Heidi Klum (who's married to Seal), Gisele Bundchen (who dated Leonardo DiCaprio for God knows how long), or Kate Moss' crack-addicted ass.

The first tip? "Tell the woman she's beautiful."

Why? They are a super-fuck-model. They know they're beautiful. You know why? Because at some point, they looked in a mirror and thought to themselves, "man, I'm so gorgeous. I should vogue on the catwalk." And then (if'n you believe all these fuckin' stories) they were at some place like a McDonalds or a fountain in Brazil and some random guy walked up to them and re-affirmed what they already had told themselves in a fucking mirror. So why tell them something they already know? It's not like I'm adverse to telling women they're beautiful, but if I see a supermodel at the bar, my first instinct is to draw her attention away from the pretty rich boy by doing something that nobody's ever done. Like, look into her eyes and not at her tits. Or just be my normal, funny self. Giving her the compliment of telling her that her parents did good by swimming in the deep end of the gene pool when you first meet seems like a lame come-on move.

See, this is why I hate that bullshit. What works for "normal" women should also work for supermodels, in terms of dating and treating them like a normal fucking person. I didn't read the rest of the article, because, to be honest, I didn't need too. First of all, I know my limitations as a man. I'm not ugly or anything, but I have been conditioned by the media and the supermodels themselves to know that my looks aren't high on the list of looks that women want their men to have. And that doesn't bother because I have a great personality, I'm funny, smart and have an 8.5 inch penis, and can last for as long as you need me too in the bedroom. Literally, I can go for as little as 30 minutes (Mary)* or as long as 4 hours (Linda). I don't need a 6-pack or a head full of hair when you're packing as a big a dick as I am and can fuck as well as I can.

I digress. Secondly, my limitations notwithstanding, I also that I'm never gonna meet/date a supermodel, even though I know two**. I live in East Texas, where the fuck am I gonna see a woman as hot as some of them, without paying them $20 for a private room dance at the Deja Vu Club in Shreveport?

So I propose this: instead of trying to ban Harry Potter for being entertaining, why not ban men's magazines for giving bad information? It's kind of like porn: I used to think that I was gonna have freaky, naughty, fun sexcapades with the nurse when I went to the hospital or get to bang my teacher on her desk in the ass while in college to bring my grades up. And neither happened. And I'd sue the porn industry, excepting that it's so fun to watch porn.

*Mary and I never had sex, but she told me that she doesn't do it for longer than 30 minutes

**Suhan from Myspace and I went to school together. Through her, I know Jody.

It's great to learn. 'CAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

2007-02-15T21:47:00.000-06:00

If you ever read this blog and wonder, "how can a raging dickhead alcoholic, with the kind of paranoid delusions a 7-year-old on acid locked in a closet would have, write so well?"

It's because I write in the AP style. If you don't know what the AP style is, go to your local newspaper, TV newsstation, high school or college newspaper, and ask someone who's in-the-know. But be sure to properly introduce yourself and make sure they know why you're there. If humans have taught me anything, it's that you cannot ask someone a random question and get the answer you're looking for. Just try it sometime.

"Do you like carrots?"

"I...what?"

Jody knows what AP style is, but then again, she's a supermodel, and she has superpowers. Like being super smart, and having the super power to stun you. How does she stun me? you inevitably ask. By flashing you. She's got the kind of chest that if she were in the woods, and a bear were attacking her, all she'd have to do is flash the bear some upper torso skin. And then the bear, even if it had rabies and was super pissed off because some jackass just waltzed into the woods and kicked the bear in the testicles, would stop on a fucking a dime and go, "damn. That's a titty."

Personally, if I go into the woods, and I see a bear, I throw him a fat kid. Then I run, because fat kids are mostly gristle, and the bear won't like that. Jody also knows what AP style is because she went to fucking journalism courses in order to become a reporter. If you see her on the news, you won't pay any attention to the story.

"Tonight's top story: the dead have risen from their graves and are eating the living. We go now live to Adam, supa-fly badass zombie killer out in the field. Adam, what's going on?"

"Jody, how about later on, you and I go get dinner and go dancing afterwards?"

"Adam, the dead are all around you, and that's all you have to say?"

"I...you're beautiful."

See, human nature. You can't just ask someone a question when their mind is somewhere else. That's why you need proper introductions.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

2007-02-09T19:44:00.000-06:00

"Dammit! How many times have I told you people? Don't mess with the teleprompter! He will read whatever you put up there!"

I'll give Brad Hicks and the latest anti-gaming, anti-pedophile crusade this: at least he ain't saying that gamers are also VIOLENT pedophiles. I'll assume that you went and watched that bit of news journalism, instead of just skipping ahead and reading my rant. Let's go through why that is a great example of why Brad Hicks shouldn't be allowed to have a fucking job, let alone pro-create. Because oh my, God, are there flaws in this story.

1. The pedophile needs to have a Nintendo DS. Which, admittedly, ain't that hard. I checked at various websites, and the average cost of a DS is around $130 (US). But after buying a DS, they then need to carry theirs with them at all times, and have it perptually charged.

2. Next the victim also needs to have a Nintendo DS. And also carry it around with them at all times and keep it perpetually charged. This is kind of akin to walking down rows of houses, and looking to see which homes have windows, so that the pedophiles can molest them through the windows.

3. In order for the driving a car scenario to work (the one that was mentioned in the video; see, I'm referencing things that you didn't see and are confused about. Go check out the video), the pedophile needs to not be driving, that way, he doesn't get into an accident. 'Cause car wrecks will fuck with the way you molest the Catholics.

4. When you admit that the girls knew that it was you sending them messages, it kind of takes away from the power of showing what it can be used for. And let's be honest, you contacted them for the story, so they knew it was you doing it all for the sake of some hokey bullshit story.

5. Nintendo told, to numerous gaming magazines, that in order for Pictochat to work, you need a little something called friend codes. Your friend gives you their code, you can send them messages. No code, no message. This is called the transitive property, in algebraic terms, you fucknut.

6. This is the kind of news story I'd expect to see on the Daily Show, with Stephen Colbert doing the reporting. Including the "well, stop the music" line. I know Stephen Colbert, and you sir, are no Stephen Colbert.

You want to show a legitimate way for pedophiles to molest your kids, you show your kids hanging out, alone at the mall or at school or at church. You know, places where pedophiles have been known to hang out. They stopped doing the whole video game thing way back in the '80s when they realized the pickin's were quite low. You don't get sexy, supple pre-pubescent kids there. You get fat, zit covered teens and young adults arguing who fucked Princess Daisy first: Luigi or Mario. Unless Koopa got himself some of that top-shelf video game pussy, 'cause we all know that Daisy has that Stockholm Syndrome. How the fuck else would she keep allowing herself to be kidnapped!?!?

So long, you Kentucky fried hooker.

2007-02-08T19:19:00.000-06:00

So Anna Nicole Smith has died. She was 39. Nobody cares.

Wait, let me rephrase that: I don't care. You know why I don't care? Because she's just another celebrity. Seriously, who gives a shit about her?

"You do, otherwise why would you blog about it?"

I'm blogging about her death, not her. When she was alive, she was the target of numerous jokes and tabloids, and now that she's dead, all of a sudden everybody loves her. That's some bullshit right there. It's like no matter how bad you got ripped in life, when you die, unless you're Hitler, then everybody loves you. Then again, he was a genocidal fuckhead, wasn't he?

In the past year, she's accomplished a lot. in 2006, I mean, not this year. She takes her case to the Supreme fuck Court and they ruled in her favor. She gives birth to a daughter, and her son dies in the same time span. And then two guys fight over who the baby's daddy is. That has happened to nobody else in the entire span of the human race.

Somewhere, J. Howard Marshall's sons are like, "well, fuck. This is good." Not that they ever had to worry. Anna Nicole would have never gotten any of that money. He spent enough on her when they were married, she wasn't getting jackshit when he died. Also somewhere, a woman who filed suit against Smith and Trimspa is all kinds of pissed off.

"Thank you, God, for this M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong turn of events," she said sarcastically.

But I digress. Why do people get all nice when somebody dies? Like death automatically is supposed to make us nicer. Fuck you. When I die, people better tell the truth at my funeral.

"He was an asshole. A huge asshole. But he was a friend. And he wouldn't want us acting all sad and shit. In fact, he said that when he dies, there'd better be a keg and enough liquor to intoxicate a small army. So I suggest we move this wake to the bar."

Not some bullshit where I meant well or other crap like that. Fuck you, I might've meant well, but let's tell the truth. Let's not sugarcoat death or the dead. It's not like I'm gonna get up and kick your ass for saying mean things about me. I'm dead, you fucknut, what can I do?!

My only regret is that I didn't get a crack at that pussy. I'd have torn that shit UP, SON!

2007-02-06T15:33:00.000-06:00

I thought you would like this. So I cut-n-pasted and brought it over here. I'd like to add something to that.

If you're fucking a serviceman's wife, or know somebody who is, vote Republican. 'Cause that shit ain't ever gonna get old. I get more married vagina than I know what to do with, and you know what? I'm not gonna apologize for that shit.

"But turnabout's fair play."

Fuck you and fuck turnabout and fuck fair play. This is turnabout. I've never had a girlfriend that DIDN'T cheat on me. So my dick is going to go to married vagina, and that's all there is too it. Unless you're a friend. In which case, I won't do that.

*edit: i didn't fuck the girl who's profile i linked, so don't think it was her. it was somebody else.

Dear Fast-Food Employees

2007-02-03T10:39:00.000-06:00

I am sorry that you took offense to my commercial. For those who are offended, but have no fucking clue what the commercial was about, I play a fast food employee who was an aspiring rapper.

I know, I know, that's an amazing acting stretch for me. Especially since my sugah-momma/wife recently divorced me and took my entire fundage with her. I mean, I gotta do something.

Basically, what I'm saying is: all fast food employees fall into 4 groups: aspiring models, actors, actresses, musicians. High school kids working their first job. People in their mid-20s who are slackers living in the basements of their parents' homes and finally, old retirees who had the laughable thought that 12 years of Republican rule and a President who pissed away the entire budget surplus and social security funds would allow them to retire in moderate comfort. So don't get all pissy with me because I have the audacity to show what you really are. You serve a bunch of crap that people shouldn't eat, fucking ever. If an entire gaggle of you fuckers were to quit right now, the world economy wouldn't suffer some massive fuck blow.

In essence, I'm sorry that your jobs suck more than my wife on a Friday night, and I'm also sorry that you can't get past your own shitty existence.

Peace,
K.Fed

*edit Lyndsey Lohan's dad is prison. Any thoughts on how long before he was punked out by both the guards and his fellow prisoners?

Saddam Hussein has been dead for 3 weeks, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

2007-01-19T19:03:00.000-06:00

It has been far too long since I last updated. You know why? Because jackshit has happened in the the things I typically blog about. Stuff like politics, entertainment, pop culture, and news that is too incredulous to believe, but is still true. I could tell you about my personal life, but nobody cares about my personal life. Let me say this, though: I probably should've gone into the future to see if my quasi-girlfriend and I were gonna make it before making fun of Mary and her beau not making it. 'Cause that's a bit of a fucked up bit of irony there. I probably should've seen it coming, but hindsight is 20/20.

Speaking of Babwa Wawwa, I saw an interview she did with Sean Connery back in the day. And all I'll say is this: if Sean fuckin' Connery wants to slap a woman, then Sean fuckin' Connery can slap a woman. Ike Turner used to slap (read: hit) his ex Tina with a closed fist, and the only hit Ike had was Rocket 88, a crappy song that had a marginally catchy tune. Connery can not only claim to being the original Bond, but he can also say he was a dragon, and in the film that returned Bruckheimer/Simpson action movie productions back into prominence. "Your best? Losers always whine about their best. The winners go home and fuck the prom queen!" Any one of you try saying that! It doesn't work! You need a thick, Irish brogue to pull that shit off.

But I digress.

It has been slow, though, hasn't it? It's been at least months since Bush last did something that was fuckin' retarded. Sandy postulized the theory that perhaps, he's run of stupid. To which I say, "nay." It just took his handlers almost 7 years to figure out how to keep him from doing or saying something that's monumentously stupid. I say that, and wait for the other shoe to fall. The other shoe is Bush doing or saying something stupid.

I guess I'll blog about how a Muslim group is pissed about the new season of 24. Look, I hate to racially profile, but let's be honest. In recent memory, how many terrorists have claimed to blow people up for Allah? I'm not saying that people of other creeds or nations CAN'T be terrorists, I'm just saying that recently, that's all it's been. You never hear somebody say, "I blow up the West for the Grand Poobah of Snackitoba!" And speaking of 24, remember that part when Fayed was helping hook up the bomb vest? How many of us, if we had the knowledge of them doing it, would laugh if a terrorist was doing that and blew themselves up?

"The west shall surely feel our wrath with this bomb!" *plugs in detonator* Kaflooey.

Talk about your ironic twists. Not even M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong, at the height of his twisty powers, could come up with something that good.

I've been watching American Idol. Hey, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WATCH 24 AND THE DAILY SHOW, I'M ALLOWED TO WATCH ONE CRAPTACULAR SHOW PER SEASON!!!

Anyways. The judges have become a little bit of dicks this season. But then again, have you seen some of the contestants?! That one bitch in Seattle who sang Doncha looked more inbred that my inbred neighbor! And he's the kind of inbred that has cleft pallettes, eyes that look east to west, and a head coming out of his back.

For anybody who might wanna audition, let me first say this: loving to sing doesn't mean you can sing. And 9 times out 10, when somebody says you should be on American Idol, they're setting you up so they can laugh at you. A lot. So much so, that they should thank you for all the good times they've had.

And there's your second post of the year. Peace.

Drinks all around!

2007-01-03T20:19:00.000-06:00

You made it another year alive. Bully for you. Yes, it's 2007 and already our year seems dismal in terms of news that shouldn't be news and stuff that never made it as news, but probably should've been at least mentioned on the AP wire so that bloggers like me could make sarcastic comments in the vein of Jon Stewart. So here it is, 3 days after the fact, but it's here. A retrospective of 2006.

First of all, somebody explain to me why anybody cares about a botched plastic surgery. And then explain why anybody would care about a botched plastic surgery on Tara fuck Reid? I got news for you, I don't like her as an actress, and the only reason why I even tolerate her as a person is one year I read about her having her tits getting 3 kinds of fucked up at the local boob technician, but because we've already seen them in widespread photos across the internet, it helps prove that time travel does possibly exist. Because it's not like we can ever forget them. Red splotches everywhere, gigantic areolas surrounding mosquito bite nipples, and obvious bad saline insertion. I have seen tits before, ladies and gentlemen, and trust me, tits are not supposed to look like that. When a woman opens her shirt and bra, heavenly music is supposed to play and angels are supposed to get their wings. Not wailing and gnashing of teeth and babies fleeing from the room to throw themselves into oncoming traffic.

Secondly, who here gives a shit that Michael Richards went all Mel Gibson on two hecklers at a comedy club? Seriously, he should've learned about that from Mad Max. If Mel Gibson, director and star of Braveheart, the Lethal Weapon movies and twice named People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year can't be anti-semitic, what makes you think your D-list, has-been ass can get away with calling two black guys "niggers" at one of the most racially diverse places in America? It might have been one thing if you had called them that in Mississippi, Georgia, Texas, Kentucky or any of the other gloriously wonderful racist states that make up the American south. But in case you've forgotten, L.A. is made up of an alarmingly large number of Afro-American brothas. That is to say, black people who won't think twice about fucking you up. And while I would love to think that you live in someplace like Beverly Hills, I know you probably live in Santa Monica or someplace else that black people are typically seen on the street. He should have handled those hecklers the way Pauly fuck Shore handled his hecklers. Pauly Shore got so pissed off at his heckler, that he let himself get punched in the eye by a guy who wasn't even heckling him! That is a dedication to one's art, let me tell you.

Anna Nicole Smith's son died. For two weeks, her remaining 5 fans waited on edge to see how he died when anybody with half a brain and the ability to bullshit some medical terms could tell what the rest of the free world who heard about it already knew: he killed himself. Why did he kill himself? Look at who his mother is. She is the only woman on the entire fuckin' planet to have a baby, and in the wake of her son's death, have TWO guys fighting over who the child belongs too. What that boils down too is that somebody is fighting not for the ability to say that he fucked Anna Nicole Smith (which I personally would keep on the down-low), but for 18 years of forced child support. If you were her kid, you'd have killed yourself, too. But in all seriousness, she does have two men arguing over who's the daddy. Personally, where I come from, if you have an illegitimate child with your unwed fuck buddy, you WANT somebody to come out and say, "no, that child is mine!"

Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. A man who gave him campaign contributions was shot in the face. I'd joke about the obvious reference to the Iraq War, but hey, Lewis Black did it better than I ever could. So instead, I'll make fun of how you mistake a human fuck being for a quail. I've seen the two, there really isn't a distinction among the two. One is small and flies, the other is old and wrinkled. Seriously, the only way for him to do that would be to actually be TRYING for it. I've been hunting for quail, and typically, you aim for sky. Unless you see one lying hurt and wounded in the grass, then aim right the fuck down and BLAM!. But that makes you a huge asshole. You see, how it works is this: you scare the quail out of their hiding spots, track them, while they fly in sky, then shoot them. Some say our vice-president/shop teacher was drinking, and even drunk, you can still hunt for quail and not really be able to accidentally shoot somebody. I would know, I've done that too.

Steve Irwin dies. This teaches us that if you make a living poking crocodiles in the ass with your thumb, you can become a really annoying TV show host and make idiots around the world cry because they don't know you, they just liked your show. Also, to wear sunscreen to protect against harmful rays.

T.O. almost dies. It's later reported that it might've been a botched suicide attempt. We've narrowed it down, and depression was not the cause of it. He just realized he signed a very long deal with a team that had a shitty quarterback, a coach that would be leaving at the end of the season (no matter what), and a crazy ass owner. But that was the least of his concerns. Little T Learns to Share managed to sell a whopping 10 copies. He's later revived and told that even selling 10 copies is more than K.Fed sold of his only album.

Speaking of dirtball losers, please take note that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have divorced. We know this because for 2 years, we didn't really hear anything about her crazy ass self. Except for her almost killing her firstborn, twice. And getting knocked up again. And posing nude, while pregnant. And for the video that circulated of her showing the 3 brain cells that helped her graduate from a Louisiana high school.

Ed Bradley died. Nobody cared.

But Don Knotts died, and TBS had a weekend long marathon of The Andy Griffith Show. Apparently, the death of some shitty TV comedian was more important than the death of a TV journalist.

Oh, yeah. Former President Gerald Ford died around the same time that pussy Hussein was hung for what boiled down to crimes against humanity. And instead of focusing on the President that saw America through the Watergate scandal, we instead apparently had to run endless stories on a man who was found hiding like the pansy-ass bitch that he is in a fucking hole 3 years ago. There's a brilliant way to use the papers. God Speed, Ford. I probably wouldn't have voted for you, but Hussein is a pussy and really doesn't deserve much attention except when used in the term "Saddam Hussein, pussy ass former leader of Iraq, has been dead for 3 weeks and the world is still glad to be rid of him."

Actually, a lot of people died. James Brown died, and that means that when we all get to Hell, there's gonna be one fuckin' awesome concert. Rick James, Ray Charles and now James Brown? Fucking sweet!

iPod has it's 1 billionth download. Because it's some shitty Beatles song, nobody really remembers much about it, except that it was some shitty Beatles song.

Iraq held it's elections for the first in a long time, and the Hamas win in a decidedly one-sided victory, leaving the White House wondering where they went wrong. Meanwhile, civics students and poli-sci students send mass mailings to the White House, saying that sometimes, in the democratic process, the party you don't want to win, wins. Their proof of this radical theory is shown through various photographs of newspapers with the headlines, "BUSH WINS ELECTION!" and "BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION!" The White House later calls these people freedom haters and thus taps their phonelines.

Speaking of the Patriot Act, Bush tells the world, but specifically the U.S. that if we make a phone call, he deserves to listen in. Apparently, he doesn't like what he hears, so he stops and instead, focuses his attention on making the U.S. safer from terrorist attacks. So he announces his plan to give control of 6 U.S. ports to Arab controlled companies. With direct links to 9/11. And announce that he'll veto anything that Congress tries to put through to stop him.

A woman sues Applebee's for serving her 5-year-old a Long Island Iced tea. Apparently, those drinks have been served at Applebee's in little kiddie cups, and that's how the mom missed that brain buster.

A fire marshal in Arizona gets drunk and fucks a barnyard animal. This raises the all important question, "how drunk do you have to be to fuck an animal?"

North Korea decides to make a missile that can go across the ocean, and with nuclear capabilities. Bush, in his infinite wisdom, says, "well, we'll negotiate with you." Later on, I call Kim Jong Il by his long forgotten nickname, Kimmie Gibler.

And that's about it for 2006. Here's to 2007 being even more insane.

Notes on the gift of an iPod.

2006-12-25T14:26:00.000-06:00

The setting: the living room. The day, Christmas morning. The time, around 1030-ish.

1035 - Receive book on organized crime. Alright, now I can begin my criminal empire.

1036 - look at picture of Russian gangster beaten and left to freeze to death in Siberia. Wow, the Russians don't fuck around.

1037 - Open "big gift". It's a black iPod, the 30G kind. Wow, my parents must be Russian, 'cause they don't fuck around.

1100 - Realize quickly that, like a dumbass, I deleted all the good shit that got accidentally downloaded to the iTunes thing about a month ago. Fuck. Now I'm left with Jeff Foxworthy and JoDee Messina. Somebody call the Russians.

1105 - Still haven't figured out how to move what I did download on purpose onto my songs list.

1107 - nope.

1123 - nope.

1155 - nope.

12-2 - nope. Break for lunch.

230 - Think to myself, "why can't I just Harry Potter the songs and videos and movies I want onto the iPod?"

245 - iPod has been saying "do no disconnect" for almost a whole hour. If there were a record for this, I'd have beaten it 55 minutes and 57 seconds ago.

300 - read instruction booklet and see where it says, "for best battery performance, charge your iPod for 4 hours before use." Also read where it says that for best transfer possible, use a 2.0 USB port. Look at my USB port that is currently being used. It's 1.1. Shit, this may take awhile.

305 - By my math, it will take my iPod 4,139 years to update and upload properly. Also remember that I downed almost an entire bottle (read: "jug") of sour blue raspberry Schnapps by myself, so my math is being done in the land of borderline alcohol poisoning related death.

311 - tap out "Jingle Bells" on my iPod buttons. Quickly realize that this may be the only music I ever get to hear on my iPod.

312 - listen to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on my iPod. The lyrics sound like Jimmy Page recorded it in a cave. While underwater. While having a cock in his mouth, and having his cock worked on. Simultaneously. Is this because the battery isn't charged up all the way?

315 - No, to the previous question. Ask new question, "why does the iPod always say do not disconnect when I plug it into the computer?"

316 - poke the iPod with a stick. Finally, pop culture and man have come full circle. I have almost faithfully and completely recreated Stanley Kubrick's famous scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

317 - See that I can not only play games, but also download them too. Sweet.

318 - Try to figure out how to make the sound better and make the uploading faster. If anybody can help me, call me. 903-241-5576.

Number 94.

2006-12-16T21:13:00.000-06:00

That's not a reference to how many times I've blogged, or even the number of blogs written. It's a number to a survey, a question.

"Who was the last person to say 'I Love You' to you?"

I sat, and stared for a very long time. I honestly could not remember. I thought back to when my grandparents were alive, and I think that was the last time I heard it. Before the disease and the hospitals. Before the ICUs, before the hospices. Before the surgeries, before the not seeing them, ever.

6 years, and possibly longer than that, is a long time to go without hearing it.

*And a single tear came out his eye.*

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I've been known to do that. I wrote a post on my myspace about how much I hate the holidays, but nobody read it. Of course, what it really might be is that people don't like coming here, because it's too hate-filled for them. It's not hate, it's annoyance, mixed with sarcasm and humor.

I can't think of anything funny to put here. I love pie.

2006-12-15T20:37:00.000-06:00

OK, have you seen the video where Pauly Shore got knocked right the fuck out at a comedy show in Odessa, Texas this month? You have now, mothafuckas!!!

I laugh about this for two reasons. One, the asshole who did this (wearing cowboy clothes that nobody should ever wear, ever) now has to admit that he was at a Pauly Shore "comedy show".

"Hey Dale, ain't that you punching the Weasel?"

"Naw, that ain't me. Must be someone else."

"Sure it is! You wore that same stupid-lookin' shirt at my birthday party last month."

The other reason that it's funny is that, that guy got to live out everybody's dream: to knock Pauly Shore right the fuck out. Excepting, of course, the fact that by actually assaulting Pauly Shore is like hitting a retarded kid whose parents are sue-happy. If you think the Weasel is going to let you off the hooks, holy fuck shit, are you stupid.

Speaking of stupidity, check out the video of Dr.fuck-Phil almost-but-not-quite interviewing the creator of Bum Fight.

For the reader who spent his entire life under a fucking rock, bum fight was that Jackass-esque website that used bums instead of rich college and high school dropouts, and also lacked the subtlety of Jackass. Like, the guy paid a homeless to eat a raw frog. In all fairness, he did give the bum $20, so at least he gave him more than most of us give them at any one time.

But if you clicked the link and watched the clip, you'll see Dr.fuck-Phil just kick him off the show. Dude, I don't like the asshole either, but seriously, what the fuck did you expect?! You're dumber than him for inviting him on! What the fuck did you think he was gonna do, pull an acoustic out of a bum's ass and bust out into bible songs?!?! YOU HAD TO SEE THAT WEBSITE BEFORE HE CAME ON! YOU KNEW WHAT HE WAS ABOUT, YOU BALD-HEADED GIGANTIC COCKSUCKER!!!

That shit is completely unacceptable.

A time for change.

2006-12-09T11:27:00.000-06:00

Next time there's an election, I'm voting Republican. I read a story in the DaMN on Monday, and apparently, there's a group of Republicans called the 527 that are absolutely dedicated to the keeping Hillary Clinton out of the Oval Office in 2008. We're barely done with 2006 and they're worried about a year or more into the fuckin' future. That is a special kind of hatred for Democrats. And I gotta tell you, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That's probably why Democrats lose more often than win; because the GOP is all about getting their shit together in the here and now, rather than later.

I mean, look at what they name the bills they want pushed through. How can anybody vote against something called the Patriot Act? Assuming you never looked at it, that is. That's why Democrats should call all of their bills from this point on the "Be Nice to Retarded People Act." Because then, you could say, "hey, I don't wanna point this out, but my opponent voted against bein' nice to retarded people." And then maybe the Democrats could finally get their fucking act together and we'd maybe have a smarter person to run the country over say, Dubya.

Britney tried to defend her recent partying by saying she was stuck in her house basically for the two years that she was married to Kevin. Well, no fucking shit dumbass, that's what happens you shoot two babies out in two years. You spend time taking care of them and almost killing one of them on what? three separate occasions? There's really no way to defend what you did, so just admit to being a white trash, trailer park whore bag and be done with it.

If you know anybody with HTML knowledge, send me an email at morocco_dude1982@hotmail.com It's time for the ol' blog to have some changes to it.

Happy fucking Holidays. Or, a post on Republicans, Wal-Mart, Britney's muffin, and Brokeback Mountain.

2006-11-29T11:54:00.000-06:00

First of all, let me say that while I knew Britney Spears was going to get a divorce, I wish she wouldn't have. That means that not only did we have more ammunition in mocking her lazy, shiftless baby-daddy, but that also meant that she'd never have gone hanging out with Paris Hilton. And, that also means that we'd have never seen her pussy. This, and this is the math nerd in me coming out, is known as the transitive property.

Britney stays married = no pictures of that train wreck she calls a vagina. Britney gets divorced = pictures of her vagina that make me wanna see Lindsey Lohan's downstairs. See how that works out?

I have a feeling that as soon as Kevin was hit with the divorce papers, she was just counting down the days before she flashed that...thing to the world. And while I don't want to come across as some man-whore, I will say this: I have seen many a vagina in my day, and none of them looked like that. You know why? 'Cause they ain't fucking supposed to. Ladies, take a good long look at her twat (I know that's an ugly word, but if you've seen her va-jay-jay, you'd call it a twat or cunt, too) and then look at yours. If yours looks anything like hers, just stop fucking. Enjoy a long, long life of masturbation. It looks like she was fucked for weeks on end, then shot in the puss with a shotgun.

Wal*Mart, in an effort to make the Christian right happy, has gone back to saying "Merry Christmas!" If you remember, last year, they said "Happy Holidays!" in an effort to make everyone happy. But Christians, who are fucking stupid, got all pissy about that. "It's supposed to be Merry Christmas, you godless fuck heathens!" they'd yell. Then they threatened to boycott Wal*Mart unless their demands were met. And, because Wal*Mart honestly thought that people would stop shopping at their stores, they backed down. This year, it's back to "Merry Christmas!" and then they try to guess your religion.

I will repeat that. The largest chain of retail stores on the entire fuckin' planet is going to greet you with what they think you are, religiously speaking. So that means that the only real way they can guess, is through physical features. Well, fuck me running, that'd be a great idea, if it weren't for the fact that that idea, is a horrible fuck idea. If you thought you offended people BEFORE, holy fuck shit. Wait until you're yelling "Happy Kwanzaa!" to a black person that is a fucking Baptist. And let's be honest, this idea isn't going to fly. I doubt any manager is going to tell his employees to do this. Because, honestly, who gives a shit if we offend the Christians? They get offended by everything. Jerry Falwell was offended by Leia's costume in Return of the Jedi, for fuck's sake. I was under the impression that while it was nice to see some skin (because Carrie Fisher was hot back in the day), it was nowhere near as naughty as some of the other stuff they had, even back then.

The point is, Christians get offended by everything, then bitch about how the liberal media is forcing various things down the entire world's throats. Yet they somehow forget that from November until January, there are holidays involving LOTS of peoples and religions. In fact, you might remember one that the Jews celebrate. I mean, that holiday only lasts 8 FUCKING DAYS! Something tells me that if you can ignore that, you can ignore just about anything.

I rented Brokeback Mountain. It was alright, but very uncomfortable to watch. That first sex scene with the two was just...that may be the closest thing to what gay sex actually is, but as I watched it, I thought, "you know, they could've cut away or edited or something. I get that they had sex, but I don't need to see Jake Gyllenhaal squirming or hear him moan." Other than that, it seemed to me that the film was decent. At its core, it's nothing more than a love story, but it certainly isn't about two gay people. Both of the men have families, and only one gets divorced, but that's only because his wife finds him kissing another man.

2006-11-19T21:07:00.000-06:00

You know, where I come from, if a man marries a woman a few months after the fact that they've had a baby, that child is still going to be considered a bastard. In Tom Cruise's world, that's just normal. Yes, he tied the knot. Yes, I'm writing about it. Did you people actually think it wasn't coming? Of course I'm gonna make fun of him.

Mostly, I can't wait until they get a divorce. 'Cause we all know it's gonna happen. Look at Britney and Kevin. They are the celebrity equivalent to Wendy and Blake, and they didn't last. And to be honest, I thought those two white trash, inbred hillbillies would have gone the distance. But alas, they did not, and now he's countersuing for custody. The good news for somebody in that is that there is an ironclad pre-nup. So either Kevin Federline is in for a huge payday, or Britney Spears is about to make the man homeless.

Anyways, the reason I can't wait for the Tom Cruise divorce. Can you imagine it? I can. He goes on Oprah, and she says something like, "hey, Tom, remember when you were so in love with this girl, you were jumping up and down on my fucking couch?" Then, instead of replying like a normal person, Tom will say some crazy ass shit about Scientology. 'Cause I dunno about you, but personally, this fucking leprechaun is getting more and more insane as time passes. It's not even like when Michael Jackson went nuttier and nuttier, which would later prove to be for his fans. No, Tom Cruise is getting more and more insane, and it's for nobody's benefit! NOBODY'S! You've seen it over the past year, and it hasn't even peaked yet! And when it does, holy fuck shit, it's going to the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen in your entire life.

'Cause Mary's a bitch, I edited this.

2006-11-13T20:31:00.000-06:00

geekguy1982: explain something
geekguy1982: why people are suing the makers of borat
geekguy1982: and nobody is fucking touching the jackass crew
provengodacielo: good call. im not suure
geekguy1982: first the frat boys, who might actually have a case
geekguy1982: if you know, they can legimately prove that they were told to drink before signing anything
geekguy1982: but now there's villagers suing them
geekguy1982: and some guy who claims to be the original borat
geekguy1982: listen, i got news for you: claiming to be the original borat is like claiming to be pauly shore's father.
geekguy1982: neither will work for ANYBODY.
provengodacielo: its unfourtunate no one can do anything anymore without being fucking sued.
geekguy1982: not in america at least
geekguy1982: but in fucking canada
geekguy1982: oh holy shit
geekguy1982: seriously, why would you claim to be the original borat?
provengodacielo: and he's not gonna win his case
geekguy1982: "hi, i am the stereotype of what people think of and mentally see when they imagine an eastern european.
geekguy1982: i have a big mustache, funny accent and i am a total retard in terms of foreign cultures.
geekguy1982: in short, i am a man from the south, transplanted.
geekguy1982: don't see borat, because they make fun of me."
geekguy1982: no, don't go see borat because it's fucking stupid as shit.
geekguy1982: anybody who thinks that sacha baron cohen is funny needs to have their reproductive organs ripped from their bodies.
geekguy1982: and i mean that oh so literally.

Shawn should've been aborted.

2006-11-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

OK, so, you remember that time I wrote an email to Shawn Dion from AG and Shawn's K-Morning Krewe? Well, this isn't an email. This is an open plea. For anybody in Louisiana or nearby. To go to the radio station and kick his ass.

I don't know how many of you watch Dateline's To Catch a Predator, but the gist is this: Dateline poses as a child, usually in between the ages of 10 and 13, and then catches dirty, naughty, sick pedophiles. Please take note that any competent lawyer would call this "entrapment" and would have the child-lover (because that's literally what pedophile means) back out on the streets in no time. Anyways, allegedly, one of this fuckers got smart and realized what was going down. So before police could capture him, he shot himself. That's right, the pedophile killed himself so as not to face the stigma of being a dirty old man.

And Shawn said "good riddance."

I will repeat that. A pedophile shot and killed himself and Shawn said that he was glad this guy killed himself. Then he immediately identified himself as a good Christian, and knows he shouldn't be saying that.

OK, first of all fucknut, yes, pedophilia isn't cool. It's dirty and wrong, but in all honesty, if Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson were my daughters, I would've molested and raped them LONG ago. Sorry if that offends some of my more delicate readers, but I'm being honest. Sad but true. Sad, but fucking true.

I digress. But see, my whole problem with this isn't the fact that somebody killed himself, but with the fact that you have said that you're a good Christian and want to others to kill themselves just because they are agreeably sick and twisted. Because you're the 'tard that said that American Idol is racist, so you get to tell us what flavor of Jell-O you like and that's about it. If you identify yourself as Christian, you don't get to say, "I'm Christian, let's go kill some folks!" That's hypocrisy on a level that is so psychotic, not even the Westboro Baptist Church would agree with that.

And since you don't really want to listen, I'm going to go to Shreveport and beat your head in. Because I might be saved...but I ain't no Christian.

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius!

2006-11-05T15:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimes in life, you feel the need to sing and dance. Maybe one of your friends passed the postal exam and you know you got good times comin'. Maybe you just sweet, sweet, glorious love to a beautiful woman. Perhaps you just felt like singing. Whatever the reason, you have a song in your heart, and while walking down the crowded streets of Manhattan, you feel, nay, you HAVE the desire to sing and dance. This is a list of the ten best moments in musical cinematic history. It's time for rock-hard tasty abs...glistening in the sun.

10. Wayne's World Any movie where Alice Cooper gives an education of Mil-we-uak-ee, which is Algonquin for "the good land," is awesome as shit. But when you also have Garth serenading his mysterious lady love with Jimi Hendrix's Foxy Lady, you're dangerously close to breaking the coolness barrier. I think we'll go for a little Bohemian Rhapsody, gentlemen!

9. Little Mermaid Fuck each and every last one of you, I can still sing this song from memory. How can you not want to sing that song? What's wrong with you, motherfucker?!

8. School of Rock You know what seriously rocks hard tasty abs? When you get a band together made up of little kids who, believe it or not, have been playing SINCE THEY WERE 3! They are their own supergroup. They could be the next Led Zeppelin or Cream.

7. Hair This is my answer to whenever someone asks me why I'm growing my hair out. That, and it has all the singing and dancing coming from out of nowhere that everybody loves in musicals.

6. Fiddler on the Roof How can anyone not include this on a list of musical moments? Seriously. That's like making a list of Arnold Scharzenegger's best monsyllabic grunts that are hilarious lines from movies, and not including "I'll be back!" If you do that, then something is wrong with you, motherfucker.

5. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy I love...afternoon delight! And I love singing this song. I'll be at work and start singing this song.

4. The moment when the Spice Girls movie ended. I'm not 100% sure, but I do believe that when you make a movie this bad, some demonic creature gets it's wings. It can be compared to Britney Spears' shitfest, but then again, she's now the biggest laughingstock of all the pop princesses. All those who ended up married to some guy that sucks not only your money, but also the will of every living, breathing NICE guy that has a job, raise your hand. Jesus Christ, Kevin Federline could be compared to the dementors from Harry fuck Potter. I would put a video up for this, but let's be honest, nobody wants to see that. We might can be mentally reminded of a shitstorm known as the Spice Girls movie, but if we were visually reminded of it, I think our brains would come to a screeching halt. And then it would say, "if you're so stupid to be watching something you shouldn't be fucking watching, I will kill you." No, that's not really number 4. Here is number 4. I just had to make fun of something here.

3. Rocky Horror Picture Show Yes, I played Dr. Frank-n-Furter. Shut your piehole. I looked damn sexy in my costume.

2. Almost Famous My son's been kidnapped by rock stars. Semi-autobiographical tale of Cameron Crowe's time when he toured with Led Zeppelin, so you know it's gonna be wicked awesome.

1. Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! (both times I typed out satan, I started out writing Stan. Sad but true. Sad, but fucking true.)

Jokes involving stupidity only work when the punchline is Paris Hilton.

2006-11-03T08:46:00.000-06:00

So, I'll admit that I haven't been keeping up with the politico news as much as I usually do. My bad. So while this may no longer be topical, let me just say that whatever John Kerry did or said, in the guise of a joke, was probably the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas since I made the decision to go hunting with Cheney later this month.

I'm not sure of the specifics, since I was out, but apparently he made a joke saying that if you don't get educated, you'll end up in Iraq. Then, to prove his point, he showed a fake photo of soldiers in Iraq holding up a sign that looks like a 14-year-old girl who's addicted to Myspace and MTV wrote the motherfucker. And this is where things went askew. He later had to apologize, and that's all well and good, but here's my question: how in the name of fuck do you justify a joke that poorly executed and that un-funny? That's worse than the time that Peter tried to come up with a new "a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..."

First of all, only someone like Jon Stewart has the ability to pull off such a joke, and even he wouldn't try. Because much like I'm highly intelligent and working as a furniture delivery-fuck-man, there are very smart people in Iraq shooting a gun. There's really not much I can say about this, other than, the next time you wanna tell a joke, uhhhh, stick to knock-fuck-knock jokes.

And can someone, anyone, please explain why Tyra Banks, a fucking supermodel, is interviewing the woman who now somehow leads the Westboro Baptist Church?! Sheryl Phelps-Rogers, I believe is her name.

2006-10-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

geekguy1982: i just got onto the myspace, and they're advertising some amateur film called "attack of the killer lemmings"
geekguy1982: dude, if lemmings went on the attack, they'd be unstoppable
provengodacielo: lol
geekguy1982: think about it; they do whatever one of them does and it goes through the entire litter.
geekguy1982: like in madagascar. plus, they reproduce like rabbits.
geekguy1982: if you had a pet lemming, and it's pregnant, you think, "oh, 3 or 4"
geekguy1982: then she has the babies
geekguy1982: and it's more like 9 or 10
geekguy1982: thousand!
provengodacielo: lol
geekguy1982: all of them pissed and hungry for blood!
geekguy1982: a pack of lemmings could easily destroy the world faster and gorier than zombies
geekguy1982: plus, i think lemmings are immune to intricately choreographed break-dancing.
geekguy1982: zombies are just re-animated humans, and all humans love to break-dance.
geekguy1982: the blood bath would never end.
geekguy1982: mankind would be ravaged by cute, cuddly animals that are considered the retard of the animal kingdom.
geekguy1982: can you imagine how pissed an alien race would be?
geekguy1982: "tomorrow, we attack earth!"
provengodacielo: lolll
geekguy1982: "captain, the earthlings have been defeated!"
geekguy1982: "...what?"
geekguy1982: "by very small, very cute and cuddly animals!"
geekguy1982: "my god! an entire planet devastated by one breed of animal?! pull the animal up on our computer!"
geekguy1982: then they pull it up
geekguy1982: and it says the lemming is not only fond of eating it's own poo, it is generally considered the dumbest animal ever. even dumber than the dodo.

Anyways. Tomorrow night is Halloween and Stuff magazine told a bunch of celebrities to weigh in with what they thought was the scariest movie. First of all, let me say that when you're 12 or younger, just about anything will scare you. But what some of the celebrities were scared by, and their justification of the movie is fucking hilarious. Mark Burnett was scared by Child's Play.

I will repeat that. The man who created a game show for a bunch of soft Americans to survive in a place where people already lived is afraid of a fucking doll. The best part is why he says it scared him. "It’s freaky. The doll kills people."

The man made Billie Jean, leave him alone!

2006-10-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

So I have made a 180 in my hatred of Micheal Jackson. I realized that the man not only gave us the song Billie Jean, he also gave us his new form. When you look at Jacko, you remember that he thought you'd love him more if he became the white, ghoulish-looking creature that he is now. His line of thinking was, "they'll love me more if I'm white, with an angled nose!"

The second is that, when the zombie apocalypse happens, (please God, I beseech thee) that if you're attacked by zombies, you can escape by busting out into an intricately choreographed break dance.

Look, it breaks down like this: there are five (5) most effective ways to get away from a zombie with your life. You can hit it in the head with something blunt and heavy, set it on fire, run as fast as you can (or use a motor vehicle), shoot it in the head, or start break-dancing, old-school style. Cardboard box on the street corner break-dancing. Don't believe me? I offer proof. Look, ignore the fact that he turned into a zombie. That's just coincidence. Because that also marked when things went askew for Jacko and his face.

Also, let me just finish with this: if lemmings ever decide to attack the human race, we are FUCKED. But more on that later.

What the fuck were they thinking?

2006-10-12T21:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when watching a flick, I see a plot point that makes me seriously yell out, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!"

For instance, first of all, what jackass decided to put Vanilla Ice in TMNT II: Secret of the Ooze? And for that matter, who said, "you know what'd be awesome? If, right after 6 gigantic mutant animals bust into a dock club located in Manhattan, someone starts laying down a smooth beat and Vanilla Ice justs busts into an impromptu song about how the Turtles fight and their own, personal ninja styling of staying hidden." 'Cause while we all look at that scene now and laugh about it, and consider it on par with Academy Award winning flicks, we all know deep down, that scene is fucking stupid and makes us all go, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!!"

Of course, that entire scene was probably a pre-cursor to those horrible rock shows that the Turtles did. Now, I'm not an expert on ninja related things like stealth and the art of invisibility, but I am an expert on rock concerts. And unless you're in the audience and not flashing titties, you're not fucking invisible on a stage. I don't care how drunk I am, I'll notice a massive fucking turtle holding a keyboard or a guitar.

Anyways. Hey, do any of you think that they do background checks at IMF? Seriously, we've had 3 movies thus far and how many villains have they faced that have either come from their flock or had allies at IMF? All fucking 3? And how many times have they thought it was Ethan Hunt? All 3? At what point do the head honchos in charge take a step back and ask themselves, "you know, I don't think it's Ethan?" Seriously. The first time, Brian De Palma spent 2 hours confusing the audience into thinking it was Ethan, but we all knew it wasn't. No, not because we're the audience and are privy to such knowledge, but because it's Tom Cruise. How many times has he played a villain? Christ, he can barely play an action hero. How many people here are gonna buy him as a super evil dick with plans for world domination?

But yeah, the next M:I needs to use a different villain device other than "hey, let's have someone else at IMF turn traitor!! This time, the janitor!"

Hey, here's a question: am I the only one who thought that it was totally unnecessary to make Jason X? You know, the one where they set the entire film on a massive ship in space and let Jason just have at it? I don't mean unneccesary in the sense that the world needs another Jason film like everybody can use an STD, I mean it in the sense that, they only reason they made it was to see if there was sufficient interest in the character to make the kick-ass Freddy vs Jason. Dude; your core audience is made of retards, fuck-ups, bikers, and goth kids. That's at least $15 million easy. Unless your budget is running higher than that, and how could it, since you always hire people from fucking CANADA to be your stars and film the entire thing in a friend's big-ass garage, you can make Freddy vs Jason vs Chucky vs Mike Myers vs my dick and still make tons of money.

For that matter, was anyone ever scared of Chucky? No? Alright then. I think the fact that we laugh at him more than fear him and his 2-inch reign of terror is mockery enough? It's not, you want more? Alright then, here we go.

I dunno about you, but if I had a knife-wielding maniac chasing after me, I run. I grab my shit, I get out the door and if the kids don't move fast enough, fuck 'em, I drive off anyway. But if I can pick you up and literally throw you the fuck around, and you're the knife-wielding maniac, then maybe you should rethink all your life plans. Maybe take a step back and re-evaluate your decision making skills.

"Let's see, I am 5 inches tall. I'm made of plastic, a substance that burns and melts easily, and I am this way because after getting shot up, I put my soul into a doll, whose ironic name of Good Guy dolls lost its appeal after 5 minutes. Maybe what I should've done is just right the fuck to Hell. 'Cause this just doesn't seem to be working."

What amazes me the most is how stupid the people are in his movies. There's a plastic DOLL chasing you. You know this. Why not start looking accordingly? He won't be down low, he's never underneath stuff. He's behind plants, or in closets or hiding in a backseat. And let's also not forget THAT HE'S A FUCKING DOLL!!! You're in a room filled with antiques and suddenly there's a doll dressed in overalls and sneakers! Call Antique Roadshow and let them have at it, Hoss.

That's enough? OK, moving on. Jessica Alba doesn't look like a stereotypical blonde. She looks fucking hotter than a sinner's ass in Hell in the middle of July (assuming, of course, that the tempature of Hell changes with the seasons). Her as a blonde is a level of hotness the world has never seen. We need to watch out, 'cause she might set the atmosphere on fire.

True Story.

2006-10-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

North Korea is now a nuclear power. I was asked at work today why the entire world was making a big deal about it, when other countries have had nuclear weapons for years.

"Oh, that's simple. You see, those countries, while led by mad-as-fuck-all leaders like Castro and Kruschev, they realized that shooting a nuclear weapon at the U.S. is like asking for having the living fuck beaten out of them. See, Kimmie Gibler, as I like to call Kim Jong Il, knows this, but is so goddamn insane, he literally does not give a flying fuck. This is a man, who a few months ago, tried to launch a missile across the Pacific Ocean, and explained his reasoning behind it was, essentially, 'just to see if I could.' Kimmie would fire a nuclear missile, and use the same reasoning, or say that he wanted to see what it would do. Or use the threat to keep the U.N., which is considering sanctions against him, out of North Korea. Of course, he forgets who our president is."

Then I was asked what Bush had to do with all of this. And I answered.

"Well, you see, Bush...is from Texas. A place that loves guns, hunting and the killing of anything. Essentially, when we had our last election, we the American people had a choice between Elmer Fudd or Yosemite fuck Sam. And we picked a man who has started a war with a country of religiously insane individuals to lead our country and help decide when we need to go to a foreign land and beat the ever living fuck out of someone. Kimmie Gibler needs to realize that if he thinks that he has testicles big enough to threaten Bush, Bush will remind that no, he fuckin' doesn't."

I educated the store, a group of people who are really too goddamn stupid to be allowed to pro-create, on world politics and the military.

Another true story is that the other day, I was discussing the finer points of Lifetime. Basically, I admitted to watching Golden Girls, then busted out into the theme song. A couple of customers saw and heard me, laughed, and I walked away. When I came back, I said I take requests, and the guy said, "how about Rocket Man?"

Here was my performance.

And the last true story is that I love musicals. The idea of walking down the street and just busting out into song appeals to me more than the idea of Halle Berry asking me to marry her, and as a wedding gift, showing up naked, in bed, with a jar of smooth, creamy peanut butter. Today, though, I got really close to my dream of being in a lifelong musical. We were taking a deliver in Tyler, and this woman had her radio playing. A song that we all want to sing along too and dance too was playing. The song and dance I knew. The song and dance, I sang and danced. The entire song I sang. The entire dance I danced. ALL of it. Let everyone rockhard tasty abs to this.

And I'm out.

Another movie review: wasting my money on admission, so you won't.

2006-10-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

I have a theory on how you can judge if a movie is utter dogshit, or if it's kickass. If you can't remember the trailers on the film, it's a good movie. If you can, it's utter dogshit. The only flaw in this theory is if you're ADD like me, and you can't remember a trailer for shit, even if it's just shown. I only bring this up because if ANY of you motherfuckers go see that Borat movie, I will not only kill you, I will kill your parents, your siblings, your children, and possibly friends of yours who might be influenced to go see that. Because anybody who finds that jackass even remotely funny needs to have their entire bloodline killed off, so as not to taint the rest of humanity.

Anyways. Employee of the Month kinda blew. If any of you say, "well no shit, Jessica Simpson's in it" I'll stomp your guts out. One shitty actress cannot bring an entire movie down. Not even Tara Reid can bring an entire movie down. Nobody ever has, nobody ever will. A shitty IDEA that wasn't that great to start out with will bring an entire movie down. My whole problem with it is that the entire movie seemed forced. And like Dane Cook was forced to hold back. It's like they said, "be funny, but not too funny. We'll electro-shock you when you're being too funny." Then he told a knock-knock joke, and they fucking zapped him.

"NOT THAT FUNNY, GODDAMMIT!!!"

But seriously, it was decent. It was adequate for a matinee. The whole twist is that while the Jessica Simpson character does date the employee of the month at her old store, it was her boyfriend, but he was an asshole, so she dumped him, and got a transfer to a store where Dax Shepard is an evil villain.

I would repeat that, but after typing that sentence, and staring at it for the past 5 minutes, the left side of my brain came to a screeching halt, and turned the right side of my brain and said, "it's dark in here. And we may die." I honestly never though in my entire life I would ever use that sentence because let's be honest, you don't really expect certain people to play evil villains. Dax didn't either, he was a shitty villain, with a shitty sidekick, but they're in an almost shitty movie, so let's be honest, how good can he fucking be?

There really is more to the twist, obviously she finds out that Dane Cook is trying hard so he can get into her pants, and that obviously leads to the obligatory make-up scene. This movie isn't horrible, but it's not good. It looks good, but it's not. It even sounded good on paper, but it's not. And it's not because of Jessica Simpson, despite what the people of the imdb.com message boards would say. It's a bad movie because they didn't really try. If they had tried to make it a good movie, well then, by God, this movie would kick some ass. If they had given Dane Cook somebody that we could actually believe as an asshole who wanted to fuck Jessica Simpson more than he did, then I wouldn't have thought that some lame version of one of the lesser Jackasses was the worst villain in the entire history of cinema.

That's really my problem with just about every movie I have seen in recent memory, in terms of when a movie goes bad. The filmmakers not trying to make a good movie. It is possible to make a good film, watch a Spielberg movie.

I digress. Go see Employee of the Month if you enjoy Dane Cook or looking at Jessica Simpson's tits. And that covers just about everyone.

Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking arrest me?! You better get a fun-fucking warrant! Otherwise, stay out of my fun-fucking-face!

2006-10-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently a Georgia woman is back on the kick of banning Harry Potter, all for the same bullshit reasons we had to listen to years ago when they first got really super popular. Her reasoning originally, and probably still is, is that Harry Potter teaches kids to be Wiccans through it's use of spells, potions and fantastical imaginary creatures. Then apparently, she changes her mind, and moves on to say that by allowing Harry fuck Potter, this will incite more school shootings. Yes, because the Amish read a lot of fucking Harry Potter.

Laura Mallory, the mom in Georgia who is assuring that her child is growing up friendless and spends his schooldays trying to keep his ass from being kicked had this to say. "They're not educationally suitable and have been shown to be harmful to some kids," Mallory said. That's right, you psychotic Christian bitch. SOME kids. Some kids are fine, others are reading those books and considering being Wiccan. And they will be really fuckin' disappointed when they join up with that bullshit religion. I know Wiccans, and not once have I seen any fuckin' spell or potion. And I've looked.

You see, what Laura wants is for students to be forced to read the Bible, which you know, would be a total breaking of the separation of church and state law, or as I have come to know it, the "Tough-Shit Law." But let's talk about the Bible hear, for a second. 'Cause if you thought that Harry fuck Potter lived in a fantastical fiction world filled with awesome-o creatures and whatnot, holy shit, you'll love the Bible. I haven't seen such fantastical places or read about such insanely not possible fictious bullshit. And Laura, I'm an impressionable youth. While I've never been inspired to you know, pretend that I'm Harry Potter, I have thought to myself, "man, this situation would go much better if I had a wand available." You think some kids would want to imitate Potter? That's probably the best thing they could do, is imitate Harry Potter. The worst is that they start imitating the Jews when they turned on Christ and crucified him. Or maybe they go down the local swimmin'-fuck-hole and try to walk on water, then they realize, after a shitload of them drown, that nope, they can't do that.

At what point are we going to stop this bullshit argument? Tell you what, you take out Harry Potter, and all the other books and leave kids reading the Bible, but even that won't convert every child over to Christianity. Why don't you worry about your kids? Fuck, if you're that goddamn worried about Harry Potter, why don't you home-school them yourself and then you can have a hand in every aspect of what they can and can't read? Oh, what's that, you're too fucking lazy? And that would mean you can't mess with other kids?

Goddamn, it feels wonderful to be back.

Politicians need to leave gamers right the fuck alone.

2006-10-01T10:01:00.000-05:00

I was going to write a post about 10 moments in cinematic history that made no sense. That was, until I read about how a senator decided that his brilliant plan for properly rating and censoring video games from the people that don't need to see the naughty, fun content in them was a brilliant fuck idea. I should mention that the stupidity of Senator Brownback's idea is on such a grand level, it could be said that he's trying to rid the world of video games permanently.

The idea is that the ESRB, the group that rates video games, must completely play a game through to its bitter end. Essentially what this means is that games that are designed to be played online, with patches and mods and neat-o stuff like...is gonna go right out the fucking window. Because patches, mods and the other neat-o stuff isn't available for the mass public at that time. You know why, senator? Because it'd created and downloaded at a later date! With the possible exception of the hot coffee mod, a lot of the stuff is user created because us hardcore gamers, we like two things: violence and boobies. And when we put the two together, we could blow a video gamey load.

"You mean I can put BOOBS ON MASTER CHIEF!?!?!?! GIVE ME THE PATCH!!!"

Here's my suggestion: politicians and righteous parent-family groups, shut up. Your kids aren't going to buy those games because you won't let them. And I seriously doubt you'll let your kids go play at some other kids house if he has that stuff. So what does it matter to you if someone else's kids go play those games? That's of course assuming the parents aren't doing their job, by not buying Junior all the naughty fun games.

I digress.

I'm tired of all this bullshit surrounding games. Why not, just, I dunno stop showing the world how small your penis is by trying to legislate every aspect of media entertainment there is and focus on issues that politicians should be focusing on? Things like HEALTHCARE and EDUCATION and HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES!!!

I'm glad that politicians are being stupid again. I kinda missed that.

Dear Jack Thompson

2006-08-24T20:40:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry you have a small penis. I can come up with no other explanation as to why you'd want to ban violent video games, music and other forms of media entertainment other than you having a small penis. I say this with authority, not because I have a small penis, but because, what other explanation is there, really? Not only have you unsuccessfully sued the makers of some incredibly, probably gratuitous, violent games, you also tried to sue the people who sent you, what? 10,000 free donuts? All because you made some kind of lame ultimatum that someone make a violent game where the makers get shot and killed, telling the world you'd pay 10 grand for something like that then pussed out like the fairy that you are, because it didn't meet requirements that you had in your head, but never let anyone else know?

Are you out of your fucking mind? Seriously. That's an honest-to-God question. Are you right the fuck out of that narrow-minded brain of yours? You tried to SUE somebody for having the balls and audacity to send you 10,000 fucking free donuts? Kiss my black ass, that's the best thing anyone on this planet could ever hope to recieve. Give me those 10,000 donuts, a week off from work and Halo 2, and you'd never hear from me, except when I made a Yoo-Hoo! run to the store.

Look, Jack, violent forms of media do not MAKE a person violent. They certainly might, I dunno, further muddy an already ignorant sense of what's fantasy and reality, but do you need to punish everybody for that? Answer: yes, apparently. I play violent games, listen to rap and love hardcore action movies. Am I violent? No. I may threaten someone with an ass kicking, but that's just to sound like a total badass. Kinda like listening to Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

"Are you a Mexi-can...or a Mexi-can't?!"

Sorry. I digress. But back on topic, my only reasoning for you wanting to cut short the fun of a generation of aimless, intelligent, non-motivated college students is because you have a small penis, a fledgling law practice, and the mindset of a Puritan. Why don't you and Fred Phelps get together and burn all sorts of violent trash? I say trash in the satirical form, don't get a hard-on, thinking I agree with you.

The reason you can't punish everyone for the actions of a few is because those few are like the biggest retards on the planet. Seriously. They probably play Halo 2 or some other online game and rant about how Bush is an evil zionist who should be strung up. And those people should be placed on an island, far away from people like my friends and I, who play violent games, and rant about Bush, but don't say he should be strung up, just removed from a place where the fate of a nation is in his hands. I mean, I'll give you that violent stuff can influence a person, but so can showtunes. Knowledge, after all is a dangerous thing. And the real test of knowledge isn't what you know, but how you use it.

Another reason you can't blame anybody except the perpetrators (in this case, the people who pick up the gun and pull the trigger) is because, well, they picked up the gun and pulled the trigger. Th violent game didn't hypnotize them, nor were they ignorant to the consequences of their actions. They CHOSE to do what they did, then decided that they didn't want to deal with the results. So they blamed their actions where they knew they could. And why did they know they could? Because people like you, people even more ignorant than they, told them they could use violent media as a scapegoat. You're ignorant because you aren't willing to listen to an opposing point of view. Oh, you act like you will, but you don't.

Because you have a small penis, and are so blinded by any kind of "let's blame someone other than the PARENTS! on the ills of our society" bandwagon, that you can't focus on a bigger issue: you're a dumbass. Notice how, in this entire letter, I've never actually threatened you with violence, but instead, called you a small-penis having motherfucker. By threatening you with violence, I might prove your point, but as I am Texan, you might find my threats slightly more believable. And I'll assume you'll find them to be more credible, considering that, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy, because we have the death penalty and we use it!

No, I'm verbally attacking you, because that way, you can see that a violent video game loving fool such as myself will NOT be intimidated or influenced by what I take in through my daily media doses. Case in point, I just finished watching Beerfest, the latest outing by the Broken Lizard guys. About halfway through, I decided that I wanted a frosty, tasty mug of Bavarian beer. Instead of going out and getting shitfaced, I went and bought a DVD. The Wizard, to be exact.

Oh, but it's other people that you have the problem with? Then take your problem TO THEM, you dumb fucknut. You and your self-righteous groups that pretend to be acting on the behalf of Americans, and want to regulate EVERYBODY'S lives seem to forget that part in these attacks. You want to get the kids who are young and impressionable and ignorant? Fine, have at it, Hoss. Just don't come busting down my door, taking my Halo 2, GTA: San Andreas, Black, Mortal Kombat, or any of my "violent" games. I'm 24-years-old, I can decide what I want to watch, read, listen to, or play. I'm sick and tired of you and your friends deciding what's best for me. You know what's best for me? You fucking off and leaving me and my friends the hell alone. We don't want, nay, we don't NEED you telling us what we should be watching, playing, jacking off too or playing, and do you know why? BECAUSE THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF AMERICA! WE HAVE THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE!

You take that freedom away, you might as well call yourselves a new wave of Nazis. Strap on a swastika, start shouting your rherotic and propaganda, 'cause here's some news: my friends and I, we don't back down. We will fight you tooth and nail to the end on this.

Of course, it might help if someone smarter than yourself was leading the campaign. Then, they'd see how futile it is all this bullshit is, and leave everyone the fuck alone. But until that day, enjoy beating off with the tweezers, you limp-dicked, small-minded, self-righteous Neo-Nazi.

With all the respect I can muster (which ain't much),

Adam Latham
Marshall, Texas

"You cuss too much." Fuck yeah, I do.

2006-08-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

I use the word fuck so much, it's no longer a word, it's a comma. And holy fuck, I have met the DUMBEST person on the planet. I was telling her that I was electrocuted by a dryer.

Before I continue, you fuckers might be wondering why I'm suddenly writing. That's because I have found my muse. Her name is Lizzie, she lives in Omaha, she is #1 on my friends list. And I'm in love with her, so fuck off. She has inspired me to write, make porn and be the funniest, best stand up comedian ever. If she has inspired me to NOT kill myself, then I want to be around her for the rest of my natural born life.

But the other person. Holy shit. She asked me if I somehow blamed Bush on thwarting the terrorist attacks, because Democrats had said that he had set that up.

First of all, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? He wasn't on the Warren Commission, you dumb cunt. Secondly, only the dumbest of the Democrats would actually believe something like that. And not only do I think you're making that shit up because I never saw anything in the papers, I KNOW you're making that up. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN ANY PAPER!! EVER!!! And I do believe that if something like that had been said, every single newspaper on the planet would've published that story. They would've dropped the Dick Cheney shooting somebody story for THAT one.

Secondly, my answer to her query was, "of course. Bad Bush, thwarting the terrorists like you said you would. How dare you? You told them...to bring it the fuck on. And they did, and when they did, you stopped them. I thought you were going to let them blow us the fuck up and you didn't. Why?"

Apparently, sarcasm is lost on her. Let me explain that she is a student at ETBU, and is not only a Christian that enjoys being titty-fucked, she is also a die-hard Republican. And a die-hard Republican in the same vein as Elizabeth Hasslebeck. Which is to say, one who is Republican only because they share somewhat similar views, but aren't really educated as to what it means to affiliate yourself with a group of assholes. Neither one are actually Republican, they just say they are to be argumentative.

Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. How I found out she's dumb. I was telling her about having to hook a dryer and almost getting electrocuted. And she asks, "hair or clothes?"

I will repeat that.

I told her I had to hook up a dryer, and she asked "hair...or clothes?"

How many of you have EVER bought a hair dryer, opened it up and discovered, "oh fuck! we have to put this son of a bitch together!!!" Wait, what was that number? ZERO?!!?! Yeah. Somebody is not smart.

I worry about the gene pool I was sprung from.

2006-08-13T20:29:00.000-05:00

I seriously do. The fact that my mother has been getting porn spam in her email box and is blaming me for that, is goddamn scary. Apparently, a long time ago, when I downloaded and used extensively Limewire, the computer at the house got a virus and we had to have it repaired. So now, I can't use IE under my name on the computer. Netscape will occasionally work, but it blocks out every single website after awhile.

So I use my mother's name, and she's just now noticing the spam porn.

"It says to reply, and I know what a reply is," she says after I tell her it's porn spam, not anything of actual worth.

"Well, alright, you got me there. Except that you can reply to ANY email. What the fuck do you want me to tell you?! That you're too goddamn stupid to be allowed to touch a keyboard?! IT'S NOT REAL! IT'S SPAM! I BET YOU GET EMAILS ON HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR PENIS, TOO! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED FILTERING YOUR FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS! USE THAT LUMP THREE FEET ABOVE YOUR ASS BEFORE YOU BLAME THIS STUPID CRAP ON ME!"

How can you blame the biggest nuisance on the web on some random person? Answer: welcome to my life, where my mother would rather blame somebody before doing the actual research because that's easier to do. Maybe this is why as a journalist, she sucks. As a teacher, she's A-number one, my man. As a journalist, she blows more than Paris Hilton.

And I have finally busted a nut inside a woman. I am man, hear me roar.

GIVE IT UP FOR KG, GIVE IT UP FOR ME!

2006-08-12T12:50:00.000-05:00

Time to rock your fucking socks off.

And I thought Date Movie was uninspired and piss-poor. I was wrong.

2006-08-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

So, I was right. I got suckered into seeing John Tucker Must Die. Lemme explain the shittiness of the movie, 1 week after the fact.

Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty.

Shitty shitty.

I finally figured out how a guy can date 3 women at one time in the same school without any of them knowing: he dated girls from different cliques so they'd NEVER meet each other. Brilliant, isn't it? Simple, yet brilliant.

No, it's not! It's fucking stupid! I don't care what you say, you cannot ever date 3 high school girls at the same time in the same school! You wanna know why? BECAUSE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS ARE CATTY, CHATTY LITTLE BITCHES!!!! It's called 6 degrees of seperation! There's no fucking way in hell in any universe that this could happen. Let's mark off the girls, shall we? You have the head cheerleader, already the target of gossip by, well, everyone in that school. Then you're dating a smart girl who's doing all sorts of things for her college application. Surely everyone would notice that you're out with the overachiever. Oh, and the hot, slutty, slightly bi-sexual vegan that's surprised he's put his cock in any other woman. Oh, and he tells them they have to keep it secret because during basketball season, his dad doesn't want him dating. What the fuck does his dad think his son does on Friday and Saturday nights?

"Dad, the guys and I are going to go help out at the hospital."

"It's 9 p.m., and you're wearing Aramis cologne. HAVE FUN!"

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously. I would rather have you just shit in front of me and tell me it's Swiss chocolate, than have me try to believe this strained plot. I laughed not once during this crapola. Not. Once. I didn't laugh at the big food fight at the end, when everybody learned their lesson. I didn't laugh when they took pictures of John Tucker and then put them on those pre-movie advertisements saying he had herpes. I didn't laugh when they had him wear a thong so he could try to get into the heroine's pants. I didn't even laugh when the fat girl said she was a virgin, but it's not her fault that she has to use jumbo tampons because of heavy flow days, and she has a wide set vagina.

Oh wait, that was Mean Girls and I did laugh at that. The whole point of this movie was to convince us that the three dumbest fucking girls in a faux high school would and should plot revenge against a guy who cheated on all of them. When in reality, what they should have done is a) kill themselves for being stupider than Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Wendy combined (and that's a whole lot of stupid), because their children would probably be just as dumb as they are. Or b), cut the foreplay, taken an Uzi to class and fucking shot John Tucker. And let's be honest, after recent events, a school shooting is more believable than what these three twats did.

Now go get me some fucking jelly!

"You holding?"

2006-08-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

In an effort to crack down on the rising problem of crystal meth, the Bush Administration is going to go after potheads and other smokers of cannabis with a burning, white-hot passion. This, they say, is because pot is a gateway drug. So, instead of going directly to the problem (crystal fuck meth), they're gonna go to the "cause" of the problem, which is apparently weed. Weed is not a gateway drug and if you think it is, I get to slap the living fuck out of you. Never have I smoked weed and then thought to myself, "you know what I really want? Not a fucking burrito or some chocolate, I really want some heroin. No, wait, make that crack! NO, WAIT!!! I WANT SOME ACID!! LSD! FUCK I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND, THERE'S TOO MANY DRUGS!!!!!!!"

I have seen the list of ingredients you need to make crystal meth, and I got news for you: it's surprisingly easy to get these things. Sudophedrine, red phosphorous and iodine crystals. If you can get your hands on those three things, you might as well start telling people you're a crystal meth dealer. The other ingredients are in such easy and ready supply, that it doesn't really fucking matter whether you have them on hand or not. Those ingredients I mentioned before are the ones various administrations have made harder to get through some tough legislation.

But here's my point: I can completely see why people want to SELL drugs. Getting hooked is one thing, but even with the possibility of life imprisonment, selling drugs is the biggest money-maker on the planet. Fuck off with the selling of stocks or being an oil baron. Every single drug on the planet requires minimal money to get you started. And by that, I mean that you can get started selling any drug you'd choose, and the initial costs would be from $100-300. That's a one-time cost, and your profits would be about, oh, quadruple what you spent.

So, instead of fucking around here on the wrong things, let's get the drug dealers through simple economics. I don't know how, but I know that'd stop the quote-unquote drug problem in America. You fuck with somebody's money, they'll stop doing whatever it is you want them to stop doing.

Pee-Wee Herman did not grow old gracefully.

2006-07-21T13:18:00.000-05:00

I was watching TV last night, and I had totally forgotten that Adult Swim, which had lots of luck raising Saved by the Bell from the hellish depths of dead TV shows, was gonna try it's hand at Pee-Wee's Playhouse. You know what? It might just be me, but knowing that Paul Reubens has been arrested for jacking off in adult theaters kinda ruined the show for me. What also ruined it was...this show was and still is, fucking stupid. It amazed me that I could be totally infatuated with this show then and honestly think that maybe today, when I'm 24, I could still enjoy it. And that got me thinking: what are some other shows that people haven't seen in a long ass time but would still love? And so, a list of shows we thought we might still love, but really don't after sitting down and watching an episode.

Full House Here's a great a idea: let's take My Two Dads, make the Greg Evigan character an Elvis-lovin', motorcycle-riding long haired douchebag. And we'll add another "dad," make him an unfunny stand up comedian, then add two more girls, and stick them all painfully in one house in San Francisco that can somehow, inexplicably, hold 9 goddamn people and a dog at its peak. Yeah, the more I say it, the more I like it. Give me 30 episodes, and make sure the audience goes, "awwww" at least once per episode. This show was so bad, that nobody wants shit to do with it now, not even Uncle Joey. Friends went off the air, what? a year ago? Something like that, and they might get together for a Thanksgiving reunion show this year. Full House has been off the air for 11 years and nobody wants shit to with it anymore. I didn't mention Bob Saget because it just sucks to be him. He went from being a hardcore comedian to a nerd with a forte to clean obsessively.

Boy Meets World You can't really go wrong when, 2 seasons into a show, you pull the ol' Chuck Cunningham syndrome. Baby sister Morgan is sent upstairs, and doesn't come back until the last few seasons. Wait, what?! Why break the fourth wall like this!! I was so used to seeing just the two Matthews boys!!! This show was shitty to begin with, because nobody wants to see Fred Savage's little brother. We want Fred, and that's it. Thw show also sucked because one character had parents that left him and weren't really all that attentive. Hey jackasses: it's a sitcom, not a fucking soap opera. I want you to make me shiny and happy. Perk the fuck up.

America's Funniest Home Videos "Hey, you know what would totally kick ass? If we had a show that was Sunday nights that showed people getting clocked in the testicles or face because little kids did something with a baseball or other sporting item. And ooh, let's have Bob Saget show off his ability to talk in funny voices through high pitched noises, because fuck, the American people just don't have enough Bob Saget. And here's what would be even more kick ass: we add a second show, JUST LIKE THE FIRST ONE I MENTIONED, ONLY WE HAVE DAVE COULIER AND WE ADD A RABBIT WITH ANTLERS STAPELED TO HIS HEAD!!"

"Johnson, that's brilliant. You have a special gift, my friend. Don't hold that in a bushel basket."

Are You Afraid of the Dark? No, I'm afraid of shitty, kiddy, Nickelodeon shows that take their cue from Tale from the Crypt, water them down and then show them at 3 p.m. on weekdays, when the sun is still out. So not only will I not get scared at all, should I get at least kinda nervous, I can always look outside, where it's sunny and bunny rabbits are performing oral sex on each other.

Doug There is no 12-year-old kid that is anywhere near this neurotic. Nowhere on the fucking planet does anybody outside of 30-year-old women that have been dumped many, many times have the kind of delusional fantasies this shithead had. A 7-year-old locked in a closet doesn't have the paranoid delusions Doug Funnie had.

That 80's Show Because TV shows spun off hit movies have worked so well in the past, let's make a spin-off of a semi-popular FOX TV show.

MAD TV Hey, the one movie they made was so bad, the magazine THAT SPONSORED IT wanted nothing to do with it. Who cares? Let's have them do a shitty knock-off of SNL, a show that's at it's peak of shittiness.

COPS Yeah, like we need to give Mary, the Canadian Cutie more ammo in proving the American south is filled with retards and morons.

Growing Pains If you watch and still enjoy this show, you're what wrong's with America today. You're the reason why insane religious zealots still exist. Kirk Cameron gets a chick fired because she posed in Playboy? Are you fucking kidding me?! I'd give that bitch a pay raise. Or make her my personal ballwasher. Scrubbing and rinsing, scrubbing and rinsing, rinse rinse, scrub scrub.

Scooby Doo Fuck you if you like this or the movies. I will find you and kill you.

I enjoy casseroles and meat loaf. Tell all your single female friends.

2006-07-12T11:56:00.000-05:00

I got the slow clap the other day. First I make a supermodel laugh, then I get the infamous slow clap. This almost makes up for the fact that I never get laid. Almost, but not quite. And some random dude named Chris apparently found me though Google and added me as one of his favorites. Now, I look at this one of two ways because drugs have me very paranoid: one, he did find me through Google, something I've never once been able to do, and I've searched through every way I could ever think of and could never find it. The second is that he is one of my enemies doing this to get back at me. DAMN YOU, H.R. PUFNSTUF*!!! DAMNS YOU TO HELL!!!

Anyways, slow clap story. This happened on Sunday, I told Norm about it in person, 'cause that's the best way to hear it, really. I was at work, and Sundays after a holiday are usually pretty slow. Towards the last hour of my shift, some jackass decides that he needs some beer. So he comes in, grabs a sixer (I have honestly forgotten what I told Norm, which was the true denomination of the beer, in terms of brand and actual bottle/can count) and leaves. Obviously we catch him, that's not the best way to steal from a store that has only one fucking in and out. And two cashiers working the big lanes. That haven't checked a customer out in 30 minutes. Or gone to the U-Scan, where the jackass claims he remembers every customer he has for 8 goddamn hours.

But see, here's the thing: if you steal from us, we always call the cops. 9 times out 10, we just criminally trespass you, and let you be on your merry way. Unless you have a criminal record, or have stolen something in excess of $50, we never actually have you arrested. Or if you act like a cocksucking jackass, then we also arrest you. Our shoplifter decides to go with door number 3. First off, lemme say that it was even amazing he actually stayed in the store and didn't try to run away.

The cops get there and in short order, he ends up in handcuffs, being taken to a car, screaming that the cops are just there hassling him, they never leave him alone, the usual crap you hear black people yelling whenever they get arrested. Here's what I yelled:

"Yeah, because the LPD just sit in darkened rooms plotting ways to get you back, you thieving fucknut. And that cop's first thought of the day was probably along the lines of, 'hmm, let's see what shall I do today? Oh, I know: I'll give some shoplifter that I may or may not have at the end of my shift a hard time for stealing some beer! Yeah, instead of serving and protecting the other citizens of Longview, I'm gonna give some jackass that I have no idea I'll have a hard time because, fuck me, cops shouldn't be out arresting people for stealing! We should be out congratulating them for giving the store one less item they'll have to liquidate when they close! Yeah, that sounds like a grand fuck day!'

"Listen, you retard, his first thought was probably, 'I want more sleep.' I know that was my first thought. The cop ain't out to hassle you, jackass. He's out to uphold the law, a part of which IS NO FUCKING STEALING!!!"

Total fucking silence on the front end, which has gotten noticeably more full. Cop and shoplifter are just staring at me, and then.

Clap.

Clap, clap.

Clap, clap, clap.

Clap 10x.

Clapping to numerous too count.

Go me.

*Wendy

Kim Jong Il: the only world leader with the mind of a 13-year-old girl.

2006-07-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

OK, so when American troops cross the DMZ (de-militarized zone for the morons out there) and essentially blow North Korea off the fucking map, I gotta be honest with you, I'm not gonna protest anything. Except for wondering what took them so fucking long to want to invade a country led by the winner of the Asian Elvis impersonator contest. Seriously, what took you so long? Nobody, not even the French, likes anybody from North Korea. They are the assholes of the world. Bono won't even try to feed the homeless kids there. He sees North Korean kids, and is like, "ehhh, fuck 'em!"

I knew it was bad news for everyone when Kim Jong Il announced he was gonna launch a missile at the U.S. just to see if he could. What the fuck kind of logic is he using on that one!?!? It's not like your my neighbor who just happens to be good with tools! You're the crazy, kooky leader of a country nobody wants! You lead the 5th largest MILITARY in the world, asshole. A military, that I feel compelled to remind you, was in a war from June 1950, until a ceasefire took effect in July of 1953. A war, according to various military-minded websites, is not officially over. How the fuck could you not know that a missile can go across an entire ocean and strike at just about any city on the West Coast? Answer: you did know, you just think everyone else is a big retard. When the reality of the situation is, you're a huge 'tard, and I feel compelled to make sure you know. I oughtta print this out, fly to North Korea, and say, "hey, kimmie fuck gibler! Read this, you stupid fuck nut!"

But I won't and you know why? I'm sure you already know. You HAVE to know. There's no way you can't know.

And if you're country DIDN'T have the ability to launch a missile across the sea before, then holy fuck shit. That means from the time you started as ruler until today, you kept people from opposing countries out of North Korea based solely on your insanity.

"What country do we invade next? North Korea?"

"Hey! Have you lost your goddamn mind? He looks like a Chinky Elvis! We should just leave him and his country right the fuck alone!"

This is probably the result of him being made fun of in Team America: World Police. You think when he was a kid, he got made fun of so much that people had to thank him for all the good times they had?

People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

2006-06-28T18:14:00.000-05:00

I wrote this email to a website that is based upon the idea that pretty people only wanna hook up with pretty people. I found the link on collegehumor.com, but I'm too lazy to cut 'n' paste anything. So have fun, bitches.

This website is fucked up. How can you discriminate on anyone who doesn't wanna talk about "The O/C" on a constant, non-stop basis? Bastards.

Personally, I find this site to be, at best, hilariously stupid. But then again, I see your point. Germany got its ass kicked in two World Wars, one it indirectly started, the other it started in a direct way. And hey, Hitler's dream was to have a society of white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed people.

You're just, you know, carrying on his life's work. Congratu-fucking-lations, you're probably succeeding. The hot, gorgeous women are breeding with the hot, gorgeous men.

I mean, call it Darwinism if you want, it's discrimination based on looks. Sticking feathers up your ass doesn't make you a chicken, so have at it, Hoss. To claim that beautiful people are beautiful because they have evolved that way is, well, fucking stupid. There have always been ugly people and there have always been pretty people.

You know something else? In a few million years, if the sun hasn't imploded into a gigantic black supernova of fiery death that results in the end of the world, there will be ugly and pretty people. You know how I know this? No, I did not build a time-machine and go into the future. I know this because of common sense, and because Darwin's theory didn't have shit to do with looks.

It had to do with survival. I got news for you: ugly people will always fuck. And with fucking, comes breeding. Same thing goes for the pretty people. If your members want to have only pretty people, I suggest they look at the parts of a profile called the "photo" which tells you what the person looks like.

Plus, there's always plastic surgery.

The people of Alabama...sued themselves.

2006-06-20T18:21:00.000-05:00

A 14-year-old girl and her mother are suing Myspace.com because the site does not protect minors from sexual predators. Alright, that's a very big and ultimately, grand project to work on. It really does show an amazing amount of maturity for a young girl to want to try to protect herself and her friends from skeevy perverts.

Except the girl was assaulted by a man she met through Myspace. OK, I'm not saying she's at fault...wait, yes, I am. To sue the website and say that it's their fault when you CHOSE to meet somebody is the same as Kim Jong Il wanting to "test" a missile by firing it at the U.S., then saying, after we fuck him and the North Koreans up, "well, what the fuck was that about?" You just can't do it, it's not good form.

First of all, no high school senior wants to date a 14-year-old. That's what the guy said he was, a high school senior. Seniors want to date sophomores or juniors or college babes. Or, in the recent months, their teachers. Not some cunty little 14-year-old that can't keep her fucking trap shut. Dating a 14-year-old when you're a high school senior is like me dating Wendy all over again. It introduces a level of immaturity and stupidity into the relationship that just shouldn't exist.

Secondly, this is her fault for putting herself into the situation in which she was assaulted. It's not like the guy started following her around then kidnapped her, no. She WILLINGLY met the fuck up with guy, WILLINGLY went to dinner and a movie with him and WILLINGLY went back to his apartment. Wait, what the fuck?! Since when does a senior in high school have a fucking apartment? Oh, his mom and dad weren't home? Did you look around? Did the apartment look like it was a domesticated pad of two working people and their high school son? No? THEN FUCK YOU!!!

You shouldn't be allowed to sue a website, when you're this fucking stupid. Granted, the guy shouldn't have done what he did, but let's be honest, she shouldn't have gone along with any of it in the first fuck place. You don't typically meet someone over the internet if you're a 14-year-old girl, not with the prevalence of sexual predators in today's society. You're suing because you say it's so easy to be molested, yet here you are, putting yourself in the position to be molested.

I usually see how the victim isn't at fault, how the perpetrator would lure his victim and eventually molest the other person, but no. Not here. In this case, I see how the girl put herself into the position to be molested and is now trying to shift the blame past herself. The guy shouldn't have done what he did, that's a fucking given, but the girl shouldn't have ever said yes to meeting him.

Now because she's a dumbass, everyone on myspace.com is gonna be punished. Thanks, you stupid bitch. And yes, I am gonna put this on myspace.com.

Texas: Land to some of the coolest religious cults EVER.

2006-06-18T10:54:00.000-05:00

So I was the DAMN (Dallas Morning News) the other day, and I read a story about a group of polygamists that live outside of El Dorado, Texas. I think polygamists is the proper word to use here, I'm not 100% sure. Essentially, the leader is wanted by the FBI for being, ostensibly, a Mormon. True, the church of Mormonism has "outlawed" polygamy since about 1890, but to the truly devout, that doesn't matter. The truly devout of any religion are the extremists of the religion of their choice. That's why we have suicide bombers and Fred Phelps.

But what got me was that apparently, if I'm remembering the gist of the story correctly, is that the leader of this sect is wanted by the FBI for having multiple wives, not for the usual things that someone of his ilk is wanted for. He's never gone without paying his taxes, he hasn't stockpiled an ass-load of guns. He's just interested in pussy, and lots of it.

Now the FBI and the government want to shut him down, all because this guy loves to fuck. Personally, I think since we're fucking around here, that they should also arrest Fred Phelps, since he's become more anti-American than the Dixie-fuck-Chicks.

I want to make sure I understand this, because I've had a lot to drink today, and drinking kills brain cells. You want to arrest the guy who might be a racist, and might have some children as his brides, and might be a sexual pervert with those aforementioned child-brides, and is most definitely a sexual Tyrannosaur because that's the way he practices his religion, as an extremely devout and old-school kinda guy. But you don't want to arrest the guy who pickets the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq, and the Holocaust museum in D.C. and is reported to have visited Saddam while he was in power and was a friend to him?

That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. You can speculate all you want to about Warren Jeffs and what goes on inside the ranch, but you will never know. Even if you manage to arrest him, and you question him, what makes you think you'll actually believe him? This is the U.S. government we're talking about here. A government that has a judicial system that only occasionally works. A government that has said to the world through its actions, "we want our law enforcement agencies and military to be run by gung-ho, George III-esque patriots because that will stop other nations we don't like from fucking with us!" Except it hasn't really worked, not yet.

I digress. Yeah, speculate all you want on Jeffs, we will probably NEVER know what goes on in there. Do you honestly think that even if the cops manage to somehow nab him, all his followers are gonna come out and say, "oh, thank God. He made me marry this young, nubile, incredibly sexual 15-year-old with the body of a cheerleading porn star." That's an extreme, but I still went with it.

Meanwhile, we know what Phelps does, because A) it's a matter of public record and B) HE'S VERY FUCKING OPEN ABOUT IT!!!! Son of a bitch, nobody outside of the WBC have probably seen Phelps in years, yet he still pops up like he's fucking Cheney. I'd crack the Lewis Black here, but I say fuck you. Phelps' church have NEVER been one to hide their activities. They show up and more annoying than PETA, but there they are. They don't bother hiding themselves.

It seems to me that if you're gonna grab one religious nutbar by the nuts and tell him what he can't do, why not grab Phelps and charge him with being insane and totally devoid of any humanity? Crimes against Humanity. It wouldn't hold in court, but it'd get him and his fucknut children off the street for a few minutes. I'm an all or nothing kinda guy, and it's this sort of bullshit that pisses me off. Let's say that Jeffs isn't even married to any children whatsoever. All of his brides are the legal age of consent in the United States, or older. Then what's the fucking problem with him being married to 70 women? That's 70 different ways he's gonna get nagged. Personally, I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze in this instance. 70 different pussies and the ability to have some kick-ass sex orgies versus getting nagged by 70 different women, all of whom probably are different cycle? Fuck you nigga, and your mother too. And if I picked anything up from health class, it's that when you put a lot of women together for a long amount of time in the same centralized location, they can actually start, and end, their periods at the same time. That is 70 different bloody tampons just lying around.

And that's fucking gross.

But yeah, we should get Phelps if we're going after this other son of a bitch. If not for those other reasons, than simply for the fact the citizens of El Dorado just don't really give a fuck. Meanwhile, in Kansas, NOBODY likes Phelps or his church.

I made a supermodel laugh today. What'd you do?

2006-06-15T03:14:00.000-05:00

And my mother, a few years back, actually got to meet Dustin "Screech" Diamond. She has photographic evidence to prove it. For those of you who never watched Saved by the Bell, leave this blog and never return. Seriously. That's a sacrilege to my sense of good taste and humor. That show was better than the Mighty Ducks and Karate Kid trilogies.

So if you visit my myspace page, you'll notice that my friends are 90% girls, and hot girls at that. What's really, really kick ass about that whole thing is that I actually know those girls. The one I'm talking about is Suhan. We went to Junior High West in Lufkin many years ago. Back when I was actually popular in school, and when I was moderately nice. The seeds of assholish-ness had been planted, but I hadn't fucked the plant yet.

Following the night of super hard drinking, I wake up at 4 a.m. and decide to see if I can find people from my graduating class in Marshall. I recognized one, and that one is Crystal on my friends list. I go ahead and add her, because for some reason, in the past 2 months or so, I have ran into an astonishing amount of former classmates from the class of 2000. I've used the class a lot because the word ass is in there.

Oh fuck it. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, titties, ass, ass, ass, ass.

I digress. I do the same thing for the class of 2000 from Lufkin High School just out curiosity and boredom. I recognize 2 that would also remember me. Suhan and Linu. Linu doesn't return my emails, so fuck him. Suhan did, and now we chat over myspace.

Anyways, I'm joking and crap like I always do. It's not flirting in my opinion, 'cause let's be honest, HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!!?!? My God, I asked out every cheerleader but her in high school. Son of a bitch, I think I missed out. Despite the implication that she's a whore, she's not. It's just, she's amazingly beautiful, and I want to take her out for a nice Mexican dinner. Or seafood, whatever her choice. I like to think that when a person types out "haha" or "hehe" or "lol" they actually mean it. Like, they are actually laughing or giggling. I also have this theory that really gorgeous women have the best sounding laughs ever. It's not a baby-punching sound. I hear a really gorgeous woman laugh, it makes me want to dress up like Spider-Man and swing through the city singing the old theme song to the Spider-Man show.

The sound of Wendy's voice makes me want to punch a baby. A jew baby.

I'm a Harvard man!

2006-06-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

And the top reason to go to Harvard: SETH MCFARLANE DOES YOUR GRADUATING CLASS'S BENDICTION!!!

I wish I was working at Marvel right about now, true believers.

2006-05-14T21:40:00.000-05:00

This is an exciting time to be in the comic book industry. Marvel alone has made the past year one of the best times to be a comic fan. House of M, The Other, DeciMation, the Ultimates, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Astonishing X-Men (which has seen the resurgence of the Hellfire Club). And now, Civil War, which has the Marvel heroes fighting each other. Oh yeah. I know some people won't know what I'm talking about, so I'll give you a recap on all those things in a bit. I'm not done drooling. On the DC side of the fence, we have seen the return of not only the Joker (in an almost year long absence) but also the Joker's original villain persona of the Red Hood.

In the form of Jason Todd. Who was killed by the Joker in 1989. But he's back, and he's an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. He toyed with Batman for a very long time, slowly taking over the underworld and pissing off DC villains left, right and center. So this eventually leads to a showdown where Jason is going to force Batman to kill either him...or the Joker. And it ends with a bang, where for a year, Batman leaves Gotham in the hands of Two-Face, aka, Harvey Dent?! And Jason heads to New York and takes over the mantle of Nightwing with Dick Grayson's knowledge?! DC has finally gotten their shit together too.

Now for recaps. SPOILERS!!!!!! BIG HONKING SPOILERS, SO IF YOU PLAN TO READ THE BOOKS, QUIT READING THIS RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW!!!

House of M: Wanda Maximoff (Scarlett Witch) and her brother, Pietro are the children of Magneto. Wanda has the ability to change reality and tip the scales in her favor. But then she has a nervous breakdown and kills Hawkeye, an original member of the Avengers. So the X-Men and the Avengers decide to do something about Wanda. They decide to kill her. But not before Pietro convinces her to use her powers to give all the heroes what they really want. For mutants, they are really homo superior, running the human race. For Spidey, he is loved by all of New York and is married to Gwen Stacy, and spends time with his son and Uncle Ben. Cyclops and Emma Frost are married to one another. But then it all comes crashing down when they figure out what happened through the help of Lola, a mutant. The book ends with a huge fight and Wanda simply uttering 3 little words. "No More Mutants." Then the world goes to white, and when they wake up, 97% of Marvel's mutants are gone. Their mutant powers have been stripped from them, and it ends with many mutants that were once high and mighty being no more. The best part? Nobody knows where Xavier is during all this. He could be dead, he could incapacitated, he could be in Bermuda with his brother and sister, living the good life.

In The Other, Peter Parker dies. Killed by an attack from Morbius. Then, while in a cocoon/afterlife-ish type place, he is approached by a creature that looks like a cross between Venom and Carnage. And he is asked, "what happens when you cross a spider...with a man?" Then he's brought back to life with new powers. Very awesome indeed. DeciMation dealt with the events following House of M.

Essentially I am wicked excited about the stuff going on in Marvel right now.

Any attempt to make any system idiot proof will only challenge God to make a better idiot.

2006-05-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

I'd love to tell the Democrats that following that line, there's a rant about Republicans and Bush on the way, but that would make me a liar.

I'd love to tell the Republicans that following that line, there's a rant about Republican stupidity on the way so they can bitch at me for not being a true American, but that also would make me a liar.

I'd love to tell my readers that following that line, the best of the "Wendy" posts will be reproduced here just for the fuck out it, but that would also make me a liar.

I'd love to tell my readers that following that line, Tom Cruise or some other celebrity is about to be raked across the coals because I can, but that too would make me a liar.

No, following that line, I am here to tell you, first-hand, that putting a sock in the microwave for 8 minutes will set it on fire. Well, no one told me that you can't do that; after all, the microwave is so good at warming other things up.

I was at work, and had to spray out the dairy cooler. In doing so, my socks and shoes got soaked. So I put my sock in the microwave for 8 minutes in an effort to dry it. 7:30 later, I smelled something funny and ran to the microwave to find my sock on fire. Like, flaming on fire. Complete with a yellow, acidic smoke. It was hilarious, I had never done anything like that before ever. I'm the kind of guy who wrote a letter to Kellogg's asking why the fuck they had to put instructions on the packages of Pop-Tarts.

At least now I have matching pairs of socks.

War! It's fantastic!

2006-05-04T20:53:00.000-05:00

I love that line. It's from Hot Shots: Part Deux. That's the number 2 in French for the morons (HI WENDY!) out there.

So I should probably send a fruit basket or something to American Idol. Thanks to them, I can hate again. For those in the area of Marshall/Shreveport, you get to hear k94.5. And if you listen in the mornings, you get to hear this one douchebag motherfucker that cannot seem to understand that American Idol is not racist. Every fucking time the show comes on and Taylor Hicks makes it another step towards being an Idol, he gets more and more upset. I guess he wants only black people to win. So I wrote this stupid son of a bitch an email because I have nothing better to do with my time except hate on stupidity (HI WENDY!) and think of new things to say on-stage. That's right, I'm going to do stand-up comedy again. You heard it hear first. Unless you're Norm, then you heard it a long time ago.

So, without further ado, the email and some videos I found that are awesome.

I have listened twice to your on-air rants about how American Idol is racist. And I must say...please stop. Please. I have always known that you and AG were two of the dumbest motherfuckers, but then you lapped yourself in the dumbass race of life with your American Idol is racist. Now, I could call you a loser and retard for deciding to pick a topic as important as race relations from watching the most insipid, asinine television show to ever be produced in the long, sad history of bad television. I could also call you a retard for basically admitting on the air that your life is a rich fucking oyster because your nights are spent watching that show and wondering how Taylor Hicks has made it that far.

First of all, no, the show isn't racist. If the show was racist, then Ruben Studdard and that fat-ass Fantasia would have NEVER won. Never, ever, ever, fucking ever. Just for thinking that makes you a fool. Even this year, with Paris being voted off, doesn't make it racist. America has proven that it always has and always will love no-talent ass clowns, and must have them entertain them. Just the fact that American Idol has survived 5 seasons thus far is proof of that.

Second, voodoo doesn't work. I've tried it with you. If it did, you'd come in one day and say on the air, "I dunno how it happened, but I woke up this morning with no right leg and no right arm. And what's more amazing is, I feel no pain whatsoever. It's so bizarre!" If voodoo worked, then Britney Spears would be having sex with me right now, instead of me writing this long ass email that I'm gonna post on my blog with a backstory of your stupidity. Because that's how I would use my voodoo powers: to have hot, sweaty, squishy sex with females that I think are slutty.

Third, the show isn't racist because Americans vote for the contestants. Oh, right, you might wanna use that logic against me in saying that the Americans then are racist. Really? The country that is responsible for the oppression and slavery of blacks for a few hundred years is racist?! Get right out of town! No, really, leave. Go to a town that isn't in my car's ability to pick you up. That way, I can listen in the mornings, when the good music is on, and in the afternoons, when Bristol is on. And she never really plays good music because the program director is smart, and just let's her talk, 'cause she's got a sexy ass voice. Also, I wouldn't call the people who listen to you every morning racist. I'd call them retarded as fuck, but not racist.

Fourth, no, I don't listen to you or the other retard at all in the mornings. When you two come on, I mute my stereo quicker than Micheal Jackson goes for the 13-year-old boys. I'd rather listen to the death rattle of my only child than listen to you two pretend to be funny, insightful, witty, smart, and any other good adjective you two aren't.

The gist of my argument is that the show isn't racist, and you're a fool to think it is. You're a dumb fool to argue this on-air as much and as often as you do. It's like I said earlier, we as Americans demand to be entertained by stuff that is filled to the brim with no-talent having motherfuckers. This is why Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider continue to make movies, when in any rationally thinking country, like Canada or England, they'd be asking, "would you like chips with that?"

So please stop. For the love of humanity, stop.

*Here I wrote my name, and where I live, but let's be honest, we already know that.*

And no, you can't have my blog address which would normally appear right here. You have to earn the right to read it, because I have deem you smart enough. *I wrote this because my emails have the signature of my blog address. I didn't want him to be able to read it because, well, he's dumb*

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!

You know how I know you're gay? You have a sticker on your car that says "I like it when balls are in my face!"

You can never have too much Superman.

I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. At last we meet again. The circle is complete, when I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

2006-04-19T14:39:00.000-05:00

This is seriously the coolest lightsaber fight outside of the actual movies. When you compare to it to any of the movie fights, it doesn't hold a candle.

I'm slowly approaching 300 posts.

2006-04-14T13:25:00.000-05:00

So I went to watch the Benchwarmers last night. I forget that any movie that has more than one SNL cast member in the main cast, and not in a cameo, from 1989-1994 is going to suck huge syphillitic goat testicles. What's really kinda shitty about this movie is that while it's not based on a wholly original idea, it does have potential, in the same way I have potential. And like me, the movie is too lazy to even try to achieve that potential in any way.

Let me give you an idea of how lazy and retarded this movie is: the plot twist is that Rob Schneider wasn't picked on when he was a kid, he used to pick on the kids. In fact, he was so soulless, that he picked on a midget until the midget had to be institionalized. That's the "twist" as it were. It is the most contrived piece of plot I've ever seen in any movie ever made. When I saw that, in a theater with about 75 people, I shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!"

Apparently, screenwriters and directors decided a long time ago that a movie must have a plot twist, no matter what. Sometimes, they're good twists like in The 6th Sense or in Fight Club. Sometimes, they're bad. Like in The Karate Kid III or D3: The Mighty Ducks. And sometimes, they're not needed at all, because it just stretches out an already lame idea in the first place. Like The Karate Kid III or any kid's movie ever made. And sometimes, they're needed, but the filmmakers didn't bother trying for something fresh and original. Like in almost every single romantic comedy ever made. Look, a man lying about one small aspect so he can get the woman of his dreams or so he can keep from hurting her isn't a huge plot twist. The last time I saw a semi-decent plot twist in a romantic comedy was in Sweet Home Alabama, and that technically doesn't count because that was the hook for the storyline.

I'm trying to figure out why people still make movies like this. You know, where kids ruthlessly make fun of the nerds. Then the nerds decide to take a stand for themselves, by either beating the mean kids at a sport or some other event where the winner gains respect from their tormentors and from themselves. But before they get back at the mean kids, they must first go through a montage showing them getting better at the chosen event, being trained by either (A) a former nerd who's made himself rich because that's what nerds do, (B) someone who used to make fun of nerds, and realized the error of his ways or (C) somebody who has a soft spot for the underdog and wants to help them have their day.

And while all this is going on, it's happening in modern day Frank Capra-esque neighborhoods. You know the kind. Well-manicured lawns, white-concrete sidewalks, ranch-style housing even in places where that sort of architecture doesn't really belong.

And then at the end, the mean kids learn a valuable life lesson that nerds are people too.

In real life, the nerds wouldn't do any of that bullshit. They'd continue to get picked on knowing two things: they'd either get really, really rich and one day, be bosses of the mean kids. Or two, pick up a gun, kill the mean kids, then blame it on the same kind of games they'd go on to make had they gone down the other road.

But yeah, that movie blew.

Religion is about to get a whole lot sexier.

2006-04-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

I use that adjective not in the traditional sense, either. Just to say, more exciting.

Two things: one, a professor has decided that Jesus didn't actually walk on water, but a huge, freakish block of ice. Word? In a land that is nothing but desert on all sides...you say he walked on a block of fucking ice? I don't know a lot, but I know that in order for you to walk on ice, the water needs to be frozen. And in a desert, the water won't freeze. Even at night. It gets cold in the desert, but not that fucking cold. I would know, I've been to a desert. And when you've been to one, you've been to them all. Jesus didn't walk on a block of ice, he walked on water. If the man could turn water to wine and return from the dead, then he can walk on water. End of fucking story. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. How could he be on a block of ice? Even given that's it a freak of nature, you're still out in the middle of a desert, fucknut. How's a block of ice stay frozen in a pool of water that's located in a dry, arid land with sparse vegetation?

The other is that a recently translated text says that Jesus told Judas to betray him. Now, I can't believe that his crucifixion was the result of both His father's decision and a practical joke, but I still find this one a little more believable. I have heard rumor of Judas' Gospel, and that's where this text originates. Jesus knew he was going to be executed, that's fact. When He's praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked God to pass this cup from him, but thy will be done. He even knew as a child that he would have to die for man's sins.

I find it harder to believe that Judas would just up and betray the Son of Man on a whim, than that Jesus had to give him a little push. If Jesus knew what was coming as a child, then most certainly He would have had to make plans for it. So what's he do? He has to have someone betray Him, so in that plan, He recruits one of His disciples. I mean, come on, He even knew that Judas would betray him, and told him so at the last supper. They had to act all Danny Ocean and Rusty from Ocean's 11. The remake, not the original. I hate to compare God and Jesus to a movie, but they had to in order to keep the other disciples out of the loop.

Of course, the argument on the flip side is that He also told Peter that he would betray Jesus 3 times, and sure enough, he did. So, maybe He did tell Judas too, and maybe He didn't.

So you want to shave your naughty bits, eh? Well, you've come to the right person.

2006-04-06T02:48:00.000-05:00

"but shaved vaginas just look sad and pornstarrish" - blossom *not the former tv show character, but she does know who i'm talking about*

Look, I'm gonna write a book about shaving your naughty bits. Until I can flesh it out to 100 or more pages, just read this. Because I shave my stuff every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so I'd know a lot about this subject.

First off, be sure this is absolutely what you want. This is not something you can do halfway. Once you shave your genitals once, you gotta keep shaving them, otherwise, you'll scratch yourself raw down there. And it's happened to one of my testicles. So here is a handy-dandy list to help you in the shaving of your tool or muffin.

1. NEVER, EVER, EVER, FUCKING EVER under any circumstances shave dry. This is the reason I scratched a testicle raw for a good 10 months or so. Don't even touch up something dry. It chafes like a motherfucker, and leads to severe razor burn. If you absolutely must shave dry, wet the area and use an electric shaver. Then, rinse off in cold water.

2. Always use a shaving cream that has a rich, thick lather and contains aloe. Never use a gel, because gels don't work that well in protecting against razor burn. Also, get the shaving cream that's designed for sensitive skin. Baby oil also works, and actually results in a smoother shave.

3. You'll never cut your ball sac open, unless that's what you're intending to do. It's just not possible with a small, hand-held, normal razor. If you think that, then you also think that if you shave anywhere near your throat, you'll cut your jugular and fucking die. Well, if you think that, then leave, Grizzly Adams. I got enough stupid people coming to this blog without you.

4. Use a multi-bladed razor. Break down and buy a Schick Quattro, they work the best. It helps, trust me. When you actually start the shaving process, you'll notice it goes a lot quicker and smoother.

5. Change the blade cartridge about every 3 shaves. They get dull pretty quick, mostly because you'll be shaving a lot. The reason why you'll be shaving a lot is because the hair grows pretty quick down there, and that is an itch that even sandpaper cannot cure.

6. Stick to a schedule. Like, I personally shave Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This does two things. One, it keeps the skin smooth and soft. And two, it keeps the stubble from making me scratch all the time.

7. Use powder. A lot of powder! This keeps the itch away. I personally use Gold Bond, but regular old baby powder works just as well.

8. When you first start, use a pair of scissors to cut the excess hair away. If you pay attention to what you're doing, then you won't cut anything off. It's not that hard, and you just have to trim it down, so when you do take a razor to downtown, you won't fuck it up.

9. Don't worry if you cut yourself down there. It's actually pretty quick to heal. As in, when you get out of the shower. And it's the same kind of cut you'd get on your face. Just don't push down so hard.

10. Always rinse in cold water. Just like hot water opens pores up, cold water seals them off completely. Just rinse, BAM! and they're closed. This also helps if you've cut yourself and are bleeding a little bit.

Follow that advice, and you're good to go.

You filthy tramp, you'll sleep with anything!

2006-03-08T09:22:00.000-06:00

How fucking drunk do you have to be to fuck a barnyard animal? I propogate an even BETTER question: how fucking drunk do you have to be to fuck ANY animal, barnyard or not? A fire chief in Arizona apparently got trashed and decided he needed to fuck a lamb.

Son of a bitch, I've gotten wasted before, but never in my entire drinking life have I ever tried to fuck an animal. The best part in the report on thesmokinggun.com, is when they say he zipped up his pants and the lamb ran out of the barn he had it in. As if the lamb knew what was going on, and was like, "I don't know this motherfucka!"

Personally, I think if you absolutely have to fuck animals, you should be forced to fuck animals like alligators, sharks, bears, or rabid wolves. Why? Because if you can survive the initial mauling and attack on your ass, then you should certainly get something for your troubles. And why not that pink, virgin starfruit? I would never fuck a cow or lamb because it's wrong, and I am lactose intolerant. Plus, the lamb has been very good me as far as feeding me goes. What animal would I fuck if I got that drunk? A horse! Because a horse is a beautiful creature, and when you fuck a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

No, I really wouldn't fuck any animal because that's not only wrong and disgusting, but it's one of the few things on the planet that's impossible to rationalize with your friends. You couldn't say that you thought it was just a very hairy, ugly person, no. That shit won't fly. Even a retarded kid wouldn't buy that theory. Like, seriously, you could rationalize fucking someone of the same sex by saying you were incredibly drunk. But you couldn't do that with an animal, no way.

People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

2006-02-11T11:42:00.000-06:00

This is Mary. Mary has bitch tits.

Two months ago, Mary moved from Canada to England. Then came the 5 hour time difference, in which she gained a day. She developed insomnia because of this. And that's where I fit in. Between the times she would go to class, and the times when she fell into a restless sleep, only to wake up 3 hours later. She spent the time that she was up watching Comedy Central clips on the internet.

God has insomnia this bad.

President Bush is the reason you don't tell retarded kids they can be anything they want. Part 2

2006-01-26T12:52:00.000-06:00

So Iraq holds its elections and guess who wins? The Hamas! Drinks all around!

But wait, in D.C., we have a problem. It seems that the majority has spoken, and they said that they want the dumbest fucking "politician" to run our country.

I have a question, a conundrum if you will: what in the name of holy fuck was Bush thinking when he had us invade Iraq under the pretense of freeing its tired, its poor, its huddled masses yearning to be free, have them start to enjoy the democratic process, then, when the party he doesn't want to win actually does pull a miracle out of his ass and wins the elections, he decides that there's no way in hell they can actually run the country?

Honestly, what the fuck was he thinking? Wait, don't actually ask him, he'll pretend to be deaf until you ask a safe, easy question that begins with you saying what a good job he's doing. Like at that Kansas university where someone asks him about the $12.7 billion that was cut from the education budget. And instead of answering that person, he plays the deaf game. You know, where he acts like the question is so incredulous that it couldn't have actually happened. I thought that Clinton was a piss-poor president who got lucky all 8 years, but you take the cake. You really are the worst president, and not because you're corrupt, but because you lack any sense of intelligence.

I knew something was wrong when the state your brother is governor of was the one you needed to win the 2000 Presidential elections. And things have only gotten worse.

Look, you stupid fucknut, this is your fault. You invaded Iraq for its oil, but you told us, your fellow Americans, that it was to free the people from an oppressive ruler. You got them all excited about an election, and just because it's not who you want to have win, that does not fucking mean you get to all of a sudden decide that no, they can't actually rule. They get to run the government because that's the rules that you laid down. I'm guessing that when you played Monopoly with Jeb and Neil, if they started to win, you'd change the rules.

I now want to leave America and go live in the country where the ruler has decided that people can't watch TV. Or listen to the radio in their cars. Or play pre-recorded music at their weddings. Because if I have to live in a country run by one nutty fucker, I want him to go all the way. I sincerely hope that someone assassinates Bush. Not because I want him dead, but because I believe in reincarnation, and he certainly can't come back any dumber that what he is. He's sunk to a new low in stupidity. He's at the Marina's Trench of stupidity.

"Because I'm Paris Hilton."

2006-01-18T13:39:00.000-06:00

According to a recent article, Hugh Hefner has been after Paris to pose in Playboy since she was the wee age of 17. He's even offered her more money than she apparently already has. I'm not sure why Hef is trying so hard to get her to pose naked. How many people, honestly, are there that haven't seen that walking, talking whorebag completely ass naked?

I don't even have to try anymore. I just go to Google and type in Paris Hilton. And that's it; I don't have to type the word nude following that, I don't even have to search in the images portion of Google. I just type in her name, and Google does the hard work for me. Or, I could just type in her first or last name, nothing else and nude photos of her sucking cock or getting fucked doggy style What's really fucked up about that last part is that before I see photos of the City of Lights or a Hilton hotel, I see photos of her doing sexual things. Like sucking cocks. Or getting fucked with her green, alien eyes during the night vision portion of that porno.

I mean, I can kinda see why she doesn't pose. But at the same time, I'm thinking, 'just go ahead and do it. Pose and that'll be the end of it. From that point on, you could go no further in the sex industry.' You know how I know that? Because most people will pose, THEN fuck on camera. Paris did it the other way around. At this point, she's got nothing left in her, she has gone gentle into that good night. I'm assuming that having intercourse with her at this point would be like putting your dick in a coffee can.

"Can you feel anything?"

"If you do circles, I can."

That's actually kind of gross, but it's also funny as hell.

Dumb and Dumberer

2006-01-11T10:21:00.000-06:00

A woman is suing Applebee's because they served her 5-year-old son a Long Island Iced Tea instead of the apple juice he ordered.

I will repeat that, because it bears repeating.

A woman is suing a Manhattan Applebee's because they served her 5-year-old son an alcoholic beverage that in no way resembles an apple juice he ordered by ANY fucking stretch of the imagination. I think Applebee's should COUNTER-sue the woman for being a horrible, stupid parent. Son of a bitch, I never knew that apple juice was served in a big tall glass with a straw.

There's a small blurb of a story on one of the many links on collegehumor.com, and it is there that you can read about how the mom thought her child was just being a pain in the neck when he complained that it tasted funny. Or you can read it here, and wonder how one parent can be blind and stupid to her own child. I guess it wasn't until the kid started sitting at the bar, telling random people he loved them that she thought to taste it and find out for herself. Then he passes out and is taken to the hospital.

How far gone would you have to be to not notice that your child isn't drinking a child's drink? I mean, you have to not be paying attention on an almost astronomical level. First off, I don't care what shitty Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag-ish restaurant you go too, be it Chili's or Bennigans or Cheddar's or Applebee's, they serve all kid's drinks in a kiddie cup. I have seen my cousins order water when they were younger and sure enough, they served it in a kiddie cup. You know the ones, plastic with a lid on it. The cup itself has these little kids running on hills and meadows, flying kites and chasing butterflies, while a single red ball sits on the bottom of the hill. Just on the off chance that they might wanna play with the red ball.

That's what it's served in. And don't give me that crap about how they might've accidentally put it in a kid's cup because one just happened to be lying around in the bar. There's not one fucking drunk-ass there who would allow that shit to happen for a minute. You don't have kiddie cups sitting in the bar at any of those places because kids...aren't allowed in the bar.

So why is this woman suing Applebee's when it's obvious that both her and Applebee's are to blame? Mostly her, because if I were a parent, and somebody brought my child a drink in a tall glass, I know something's up.

"Uh, excuse, waitress? My eyes must be playing tricks on me from all the acid I've been dropping. Apple juice does not come in a glass like that. It comes in a small plastic cup with a bunch of loserish kids painted on the side."

Of course, whoever served this kid the drink is just as dumb as the mom is.

More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!

2005-12-23T22:43:00.000-06:00

My name is Adam, and I am a communist.

I promise that I won't try to recruit you into my political party of choice, even though we do get hats and Tuesdays are Pie-Day. I promise that when I have taken total and complete control of the world, it will be a communist world. Because that is the ONLY fucking way communism could ever work as more than a theoretical eco-political government.

I decided to go this route because I've been reading Che, the biography on Ernesto "Che" Guevara. I became intrigued by a lot of the reading he did, and decided to read some of the same things he also read. Because it is my firm belief that I am the reincarnate of Rasputin, Karl Marx, Che Guevara, and Lenny Bruce all mixed together. This would explain a lot about why I say and do some of the things I've said and done. Anyways, what really clinched the deal was reading Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto.

VIVA LA COMMUNISM!!!

Last night, we had a child come in the store that was so fucking bratty, I told everybody (co-workers) that I hope the child is molested by Micheal Jackson.

Carry on, Tom DeLay. Carry on.

2005-10-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen DeLay's mug shot yet, get off your ass. You're gonna want to see this, especially if you've seen Thursday night's episode of the Daily Show. I honestly thought that Jon Stewart was kinda bullshitting me when describing the photo, and I was wrong.

He said that DeLay was smiling, like if the fucker had just sold a car, and I'll be damned, the little Jew was right. I'm surprised he's smiling because he's been charged with conspiracy and money laundering charges, and I bet he's thinking, 'well, shit, I didn't expect this to happen!' Somewhere, right now, are the most die-hard Democrats you've ever seen, living in a bunker, and they are dancing a jaunty jig. What, with Republicans fighting their chosen representative and leader of the free world over his pick of Harriet Miers and now DeLay, a politician that is arguably the most powerful in recent years, how can a Democrat not be jacking off with glee?

Oh wait, because these things don't matter. You fuckers didn't get the Enron boys (thought Playboy's Girls of Enron issue was tasty), Miers will go to the Supreme Court, and DeLay will be aquitted of any charges. Let's be honest, when Bush was awarded the Presidency in 2000, that marked the beginning of the end. The light at the end of the tunnel won't be coming until about 2008.

In the land of bad ideas, this will reign supreme as the King of all Kings. It is the Jesus Christ of bad ideas.

2005-09-25T12:09:00.000-05:00

So a county in Kentucky is going to 4-day school weeks to help curtail the rising cost of gas. And no, I'm not making this up, I can't, I haven't been doing drugs today at all. In a state that is overflowing with retards and dumbasses, you'd think they cut costs in some other area, but no.

My favorite part of the story is where other counties in Kentucky have made budget cuts in areas like sports and field trips. Not Jackson County. Oh, no. Damn that. In a place that should force kids to go to school 6 goddamn days a week, they are cutting back by one. Who gives a shit if it's for a few months?! You live in KENTUCKY. A state that literally promotes inbreeding more than Mississippi, something I thought wasn't possible.

I can tell this is a bad idea, because not enough kids are being educated today. You'll notice that one school wasn't shut down because they did well on statewide tests. Who gives a shit? Schools need to stop worrying about standardized tests and whatnot and focus on educating the students. A standardized test lets me know that my child can memorize useless information that he'd learn anyway if he were actually being taught in class. I say fuck these stupid tests, and close a school down if it'll cut costs. The kids can move to other schools, and the teachers can move into other areas of education.

I'll probably blame this on Bush completely. In about 10 years, I'll grab him by his hair, drag his ass to Kentucky and say, "look, you dumb prick! This is what you get for making oil and gas super expensive!! Look at the hillbillies poking themselves in the eye! Those are the SMART ones!!"

Then I would probably hit him with something large, heavy and blunt.

There are many reasons why this is a bad idea. One is that I doubt the classtime will change to make up for the lost day. If you have 90-minute classes, and you skip a day, then the school day should either run longer, or you should go to a block sheduling with 90-minute classes. That way, it'll be harder for me to say that the cause of the kids being dumber than Paris Hilton is because they have only 4 days of classes.

And you know the kids don't care. That's an extra day to cook the meth and make the moonshine. And fuck their sisters.

Personally, I don't see how buses can be using that much gas. I mean, honestly, they have no air conditioning, barely any heating, and last I checked, diesel fuel gets about, oh, 50 miles to the gallon on the highway. This is why they should have to fill up once every other day, if you cut out things like field trips and letting the drivers take the bus back to their home. And who the fuck would want to take the bus and park it front of their homes? That's advertising that you're a dumbshit who didn't bother to read or pay attention in class.

Of course, you could also end up like that when you go to school for 4 days.

Maybe Katrina washed away all the white trash that was in Mississippi. 'Cause honestly, who wouldn't have put money on this shit to happen there?

2005-09-12T02:04:00.000-05:00

Go buy the latest issue of People magazine. If you can't find it, it's the low-rent version of Entertainment Weekly, which in turn is a snide, low-rent version of several entertainment media magazines thrown together with smart ass comments about a celebrity they suck up too 6 pages later. And you'll want to read this firsthand, because what I'm about to tell you, you will believe I made up. But I didn't, because there are NO hallucinogenic drugs that can make me see what I saw.

In the most recent issue, and hurry because it's a weekly publication, there was a story about a 22-year-old man from Nebraska who had a child with his 14-year-old girlfriend. Wait, wait, it gets better. The fucker takes his girlfriend to Kansas to get married, so he can make an honest woman out of her.

Way to think that one through, Einstein. Maybe you should've put one or two more brain cells to work on that brain-buster. Personally, and maybe I'm nuts, I would've waited until she was 18 before I stuck my penis into her vagina. But that's just me, and my brain is still functioning because I don't live in my parent's basement.

If you people think it couldn't get better, you're wrong. Apparently, they started dating when he was 20 and she was 12. A state attorney is seeking to have the dude arrested on statutory rape charges because apparently, the girl is refusing to say he raped her in the classical sense of the word. Ask me why he took her to Kansas to get married.

"Why?"

Because the legal age to get married with parental consent is 12. That means that the girl's mother had to sign a form saying this pedophile could marry her daughter because he knocked her up. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!

To prove how dumb the citizens of Nebraska are, they are actually FOR the marriage of the 14-year-old mother and the 22-year-old man! Their argument is, "why break up the family when she's a freshman in high school and can't support herself?" To which I reply to the citizens of this very misguided state: "um, I think you just answered your own question, fucknuts. Show of hands, who here has heard of ADOPTION?"

If they see nothing wrong with any of this, then I should be allowed to kill everyone in that state. Except the prosecutor, who is apparently the only one with any intelligence and common sense.

Yeah, let's waste some more time and money that we don't have.

2005-09-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

So Bush wants to head an investigation into why federal response was, and apparently continues to be, so slow into New Orleans. Why? A 5-year-old could tell you why it was so slow. That's not a question that should be asked right now. The question that should be asked right now is, "what about the other places Katrina hit?" Places like Mississippi and the towns that were essentially obliterated off the face of the Earth after she went roaring through there.

Don't mistake this for a "who cares?" line of thinking here, either. New Orleans is important, but you're wasting a lot of shit that nobody has to conduct a completely bullshit investigation. Stop this crap, be a man and get more federal aid to New Orleans and Mississippi. You can wait a couple of months AFTER everything's been cleaned up before you play the whole good cop/bad cop routine.

You wanna know why everything's been so slow? Here's why: when was the last time Nawlin's was hit with a storm of this magnitude? 1969. The town is out of practice, and if you can't see that, you're dumber than I had originally given you credit for, which was pretty goddamn stupid. A storm comes rolling through, flooding a town that is already under sea-level as is kept afloat through a series of hard working levees and water pumps. Do the math, you stupid prick! I know your father invented fuzzy math, but for the love of all intelligent beings.

You should've had people just in waiting for when it hit, if not for the fact that weathermen were saying it's the worst hurricane in recent years, then for the fact that it would've just made common sense to have a huge group of National Guardsmen in waiting with boats and water and food and medical supplies. I mean, I know you're not an enviromentalist, Bush, but for fuck's sake, it wouldn't hurt you to LISTEN to people outside of your Cabinet. If anything, it'd be the smart thing to do.

And while it may be unfair to saddle the blame completely on you, it's going to happen. Not from me, but from other people, like dumbass celebrities who show up with a 40 person entourage that includes photographers and assistants. It's time for you to take control of the situation and be a leader. That town is a bed of corruption and laid-back-ness. The mayor didn't pull out the school buses during the mandatory evacuation, and instead elected to send them to the Superdome. That would've made sense had you not been able to get everyone out after the buses left.

I just touched up on the other thing about all this. All the celebrities who're complaining that Bush's administration isn't doing enough. If memory serves, I think 5 of you soulless fuckers have sent money, and 2 of those same 5 have actually gone to the city. But when that tsunami hit, holy shit were ya'll down there in abundance.

But I digress. Bush, stop pussy-footing around and just send aid. Visit the area all you want, but let's be honest, you can't do shit down there. You're not a law officer trained to deal with looter. You can fix the levees. What you should be doing is sitting in the Oval Office, sending as much aid as you can to New Orleans and Mississippi.

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

2005-08-13T23:28:00.000-05:00

I'm all in favor of school shootings. What? Ooh, boo! we don't like that, it's too soon. Anyone who reads this travesty of a joke of a blog actually know ANYBODY who was killed in a school shooting? No? Then shut the fuck up and let me finish before you judge, you bastards.

I'm not in favor of some loser mindlessly killing a bunch of kids because people made fun of him. Look here, Loser McLosington, EVERYBODY and their mother was made fun of in high school. It's called growing up. When people found out I cry when I watch Steel Magnolias, they reamed me about that until we graduated. And lemme tell you something else, if you're watching Steel Magnolias, and you don't cry when Julia Roberts dies, there's something wrong with you, motherfucker. She was the second hottest woman in that entire cast, following Dolly Parton. She was surrounded by ugly, most of it coming from Tom Skerritt's lanky ass. She needed to stay alive. Kill off Shirley Maclaine, if you must kill off a woman.

Nobody had a good high school experience, so you're not justified in picking up a gun and killing 30 or 40 classmates. This is what you to get back, if your penis is so small, you have to seek revenge: you go to college and become the next Bill Gates, and meet all these people again on their long journey to the middle.

I'm for a thinning of the herd, if you will. I had this epiphany as I watched this nature show on the Discovery Channel. I equate the teeming masses of our high schools to that of the zebra herds that cross the Serengeti. If anybody is a fan of Cheers, and I am because everybody knew my name, then you'll see where I'm going with this. If you're not, prepare for a crash course in passive eugenics.

Essentially, it breaks down like this: the students are zebras, and the men with guns are the meat eaters of the African plains. A zebra herd is only as fast as it's slowest zebra. Those who went to high school in the past 10 years will remember that the schools only got more crowded. In my senior year in high school, in an effort to crack down on the tardy students (because in this world of sub-standard educational systems where standardized testing is taking precedence over actual learning, tardy students are what cause this), by giving anybody who was late to class even once detention for a week. This practice is still in use at my local high school. Luckily, I graduated and moved on to college, where they let you come to class tardy three times before they charge you an absence. Once again, they're not focusing on a real solution to the problem, but that's neither here nor there.

But I digress. So, when lunch was over, the students would make their way back to class. Now, at this school, the teachers essentially knew all of their students by name, but were forced, by a bunch of pansy ass mofos on the school board, to enforce the tardy rule. Yet, as we went back to class, I couldn't help but notice how sluggishly everyone moved. And it's not like you could blame this on lunch. We were basically given our choice of which greasy junk food we were gonna have.

So then I thought, 'well, this is a nature problem. We aren't moving fast because as a whole, we are a herd and we think as one. It's a subconcious thing, where we move and act as one. It's true you have someone who runs around the side, then is hit with a massive wall of people. Ergo, if we eliminate the slowest people, we eliminate the problem of moving slowly and can get to class on time.'

How this becomes eugenics is that by killing off the slower students, you're killing off weak spots in the human race, at least on a physical level. After all, eugenics is the study of hereditary improvements of the human race through controlled, selective breeding. Maybe the 300-pound kid with glasses is a fucking genius, but he's slowing up the herd. This is the Serengeti, and his fat zebra ass would be eaten in a heartbeat.

After we've eliminated the slower humans, this drives the remaining zebras to become faster. Evolution happens. Then you weed out the dumbasses, and the remaining zebras become smarter and faster. You slowly weed out the undesirables, but in order to get this to actually happen, you'd have to start with young zebras and adolescent zebras.

A lion comes through and picks off Bob the Zebra, who was the brother of Bill the Zebra who was the sacrificial zebra in the crossing of the crocodile infested river. The next day, the zebras move faster, evading their predators. In school, you pick off one slow bastard, the next day, the kids are back in their classes in less than 5 minutes.

This may not be a popular theory, but you bastards can't deny it'd actually work.

Oh, holy shit. Reverend Jim Jones, where are you with your special Kool-Aid!?

2005-08-01T01:59:00.000-05:00

I asked somebody what Scientology is. And now I know. Apparently, L. Ron Hubbard sucked as a writer, so he created this religion based on the thought that long ago, millions of years ago, there was an alien battle. And then something happened to these aliens, and now they inhabit our bodies. These little bastards, known in the scientific world as "germs," cause a negative energy called theta. And if you send these people your money, they'll ascend you to a higher level, eventually leading you to the supreme level.

Yeah, I can't make this up. There are no drugs that I've tried that would make me hallucinate something like that, and I've done some serious shit. Peyote, LSD, acid, angel dust, mesca-something, I've done TONS of hallucinogens, because if I'm gonna do drugs, I'm gonna be seeing weird sounds and hearing strange colors. And on none of it did I see or hear anything resembling that!

Two websites you should check out is this and this. The first, if you're too goddamn lazy to click the mouse, is the Scientology-approved website. Type in your address, town, state, and zipcode to see where your nearest church is. I'm saddened to say that, son of a bitch, even Marshall, home to some of the biggest dumbasses around, has one. The second is one I couldn't get to pull up, but you might have better luck.

I mean, I can see why the non-celebrities get into this. You actually buy into this crap, and you get to hang out with your favorite celebrities. Only somebody like Tom Cruise or John Travolta could be this goddamn stupid. To honestly believe that aliens came to Earth, fought a war, were scattered to the winds, and now reside in humans is beyond all rational thought. My first question is, who did the aliens fight? The dinosaurs? Actually, I'd buy that fucking theory, you know why? IT'D HELP EXPLAIN WHY THEY WENT EXTINCT!

So what ended up killing this invading aliens? Could that actually be the big bang? The universe created in that instant, wiping you out, and God creating Adam and Eve? Well, that's semi-plausible, except for one thing. You see, when God got pissed back in the day, He had a tendency to just kill everyone and everything. Don't believe me? Well, what about the flood and Noah's ark? According to the Old Testament, that killed everybody but Noah and his family. Are we assume that somehow those little alien bastards managed to survive being drowned?

No, that makes no sense, because you see, WE'RE STILL ASSUMING ALIENS VISITED EARTH! Earth is the South Central of the universe. No alien would EVER waste its time, energy and death ray on visiting Earth.

And, of course, I can see why celebrities fall for it. They're stupid. Celebrities are so goddamned stupid, because only somebody whose brain has been fried from the limelight would willingly give their money away. Well, that's not entirely true. I wouldn't be suprised if L. Ron Hubbard came from the South. That would explain the stupidity of this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some ass kicking to attend too.

My name is Adam, and I do stupid shit so you don't have too.

2005-06-21T23:46:00.000-05:00

OK, I've never been one for good advice. Actually, I'm so ignorant when it comes to good advice, that it's amazing that I'm still alive.
Normally, I read the Tucker Max stories, laugh at his amazing ability to turn any situation into the most fucked up place on Earth, and realize, "hey, I probably shouldn't do that." Yeah, I didn't pay any attention to his advice on buttfucking.
Lemme tell how this happened. There's this girl that I never noticed until tonight that has had this crush on me. I know this because on the way home, she told me. Her car broke down, and she needed a ride home. I said sure, since I got off late anyhow and didn't want to go right home. We get to her house, and we start making out. After a few minutes of her blowing me, she tells me she wants to ride my cock. In her ass.
Well hell, every man wants to fuck a girl just once in the ass. So we go to her room, and start doing our little thing. In the middle of it, I start smelling something odd.
I asked her, mid-stroke, "did you just poo?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all she wrote. That ends for any comedic possibilites for me. From here on out, I lose what little grip on reality I once had.
She says no, that she was clean, because she wanted me to fuck her ass. I tell her to turn on the lights.

On come the lights and I see that my condom-covered penis is now covered in the foulest smelling shit on the planet.

"YOU JUST SHAT ON MY DICK!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?!?!?!"

Let's take a moment to recap here, kiddies: I...am the world's dumbest retard right then. And my dick, while covered in a condom, now has smelly, nasty poo on it. Now, you all know me and realize that I am smarter than most everybody I meet. I know maybe 5 people from college that are legimately smarter than I am, and I know about 10 total in my life that are smarter than me. I also have a very firm grip on reality.
But I fucking lost it here. I got home and took a Comet shower. The water was boiling hot, and I used a Brillo brush to scrub my dick. I got online and told Sarah and Cait about this. Cait left before I started wondering if this would break my fragile grip on reality that I now had. I asked Sarah if this is what made homeless people insane.
So, the moral of this story is: NEVER HAVE SEX!!! EVER, EVER, EVER, FUCKING EVER!!! And if you do have sex, and the chick suggests buttfucking, remember what happened too me. Some of you might bring yourself back from the edge.

The force is strong with this one.

2005-05-19T03:13:00.000-05:00

I just saw Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. It's just...wow, man. That's literally the only word to describe it. My mind is still reeling from everything I saw. George Lucas ended this the right way. This is the best Star Wars I've ever seen.
Effing wow, man.

Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

2005-05-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

So in the latest issue of EGM, they have this story on video game violence, and how it might inspire somebody to hurt other humans, or at the very least, train them on how to hurt other human beings. What made this story so drastically different from the other stories they ran almost every issue, without fail, on the subject, is that they had the two main guys heading each side, doing this crossfire sort of thing. I say sort of thing, because if I read the story correctly, they were interviewed separately. I personally think it would have been better had the two met up and debated, but that's just me, I could be wrong.
So the man who is retarded enough to think that video games train and inspire violence is Jack Thompson. The man is Henry Jenkins. I don't call him a retard, because I didn't read his side of the argument, simply because I agree with him.
You want to know why people say video games inspire and train for violent tendencies? Because they can. It's the Twinkie defense. When little Johnny Dumbass Jr. picked up a shotgun in some back-asswards state like Tennessee or Kentucky or one those other shittacular and shoots at passing cars, he expected that it would get brushed away and thrown out of court due to his youthful exuberance. When he found out, oh shit, that he might go jail and have to lick jelly from Thunderdick's ass crack, he had to figure out how to get out this shit he was in.
So while he's at home, playing GTA 3, he goes through his options.
"Movies? No, it's been done. Music? I'm not Tipper Gore, fuck you. Comic books? Christ, not even Southerners are dumb enough to fall for that. Wait a second...VIDEO GAMES! Thank you, Joe Lieberman."
Let's say that the kid decides to not only go with that, but also temporary insanity.
"Your honor, I was made temporarily insane and when I went to school that morning, I did not see my classmates, I saw demon spawn that needed to go back to hell and hookers that took my money!"
Well, tell you what: if those people you killed are temporarily dead, then you're off the hook. But if I go to the graveyard and they're still dead, I expect to see you in a padded room, every Friday sucking beer nut through your well-fucked asshole.
And the parents, well, they're stupid enough and desperate enough to follow along. Parents do not wish to be seen in a bad light, nor do they want their kids to be seen in a bad light, as that reflects poorly on their parentings abilities. Look, dumbass, your kid shot and killed 5 people, and if he lived in Texas, I got news for you: he ain't getting off the hook using the old video game/temporary insanity ploy. We will strap his fat, Cheetos-addicted ass to the gurney and pump him full of industrial strength drugs.
You buy your kid a system, you EDUCATE YOURSELVES! It's not that damn hard! Guess what, it doesn't take that much time. Read the reviews of games, and ask the kids hanging around the store what they thought of the games. Guess what? If you can garrot a man while shoving a dildo into a dolphin's blowhole in a game, the kids will brag about that. And if you are offended by having that ability in a game, and don't want your kids exposed to it, YOU DON'T BUY THAT FUCKING GAME!!! You buy Mario or Harry Potter or some other kid friendly game.
And for those who have kids that have a tendency to violence, you just don't let them around violent things. It's not to backtrack and say that violent stuff will influence these kids, it's that they are violent motherfuckers. If your kid is a disciple of the Uncle Russell logic, that is, if someone annoys you in anyway, you shoot them, then you take them out of society. I don't mean kill them, I mean put them in extensive therapy. Because your child...is not a sane individual. If he cannot follow the laws of society, or the Judeo-Christian ethic of thou shalt not kill, then he does not deserve to live in a normal society. Video games, rap music, comic books, all that crap won't influence or train him. It will just send him deeper into a fictious world that does not exist.
Before I go, let's not forget the fact that there is not a thin line between reality and entertainment. There is, in fact, a HUGE FUCKING LINE between those two planes. I know that if I see a man fly through a glass window in the latest Stallone crapfest, he'll come out the other end, unscathed. But I also know that if he did that in real life, his ass would be cleaned up with Zip-Loc Bags and a mop, because he would be cut to ribbons. I know that if a fat, tubby bastard falls in love with a tall, blonde chick, I ain't running to a tall, handsome black man. Why? Because I fell for that one already, and now the tall, blonde chick is blowing the tall, handsome black man on a daily basis.
I also know that if I sing a song about banging hoes and smoking the chronic, I won't make squat because I'm white. If I sing anything, I'm singing Led Zeppelin. You know what else I know? That if I eat a mushroom, I see weird sounds and hear strange colors and that if I am broken, bruised, and bleeding from a fight where 30 guys jumped me and beat the living shit out of, chances are, I'm gonna die. At the very least, I won't get healed by looking for a big ass health kit and touching the son of a bitch. I need to get my fat ass to a hospital, and stat!
I also don't believe that I am more prone to violence. I always felt that violence solved everything, but I learned that from being born into the 12 years of Republican rule, then watching Dubya decide that the best way to secure oil for Americans is to kill every Iraqi. Video games didn't teach me that, watching the news and being into politics and world history taught me that.

Scariest. Game. Ever.

2005-05-02T16:39:00.000-05:00

So I've been playing Doom 3 on my XBOX since last week. Thus far, I've pissed my pants in sheer terror four times. Now, before you make fun of me, realize I don't scare easily. I've played every scary game there is, and I've never been more terrified in my life. EGM (Electronic Gaming Monthly) suggested playing the game at night, alone, in the dark. And I to them, I say fuck you and damn that.
I tried that, and I ended up screaming like a little girl, many times. I go into a hallway, and the lights go out. So I whip out my flashlight and look all around me. Whew, nothing there.
So I start walking when I think I hear something behind me. I turn around, and nothing's there. I turn back around and an imp shoves a fireball up my ass.
Eventually, I got the chainsaw, and I thought I was a bad motherfucker because that killed shit up close and personal and very quickly.
Then I met the babies that could fly and had the asses of a bee. And I no longer had the capacity for rational thought. This is what my family could hear: "OH, HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!? *Shotgun blasts* YO, DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
Yeah, I also screamed for my mother like 5 times.
And that makes this game sweeter than eating gummy bears from Halle Berry's vagina.

LEGOs make everything better.

2005-04-24T08:48:00.000-05:00

Don't believe me? Watch Monty Python and the Holy Grailon dvd and tell me the special feature where the "Knights of the Round Table" song done completely in LEGOs isn't hilarious. LEGO porn would even be awesome; you could get those really big LEGO blocks that little kids use, so they won't swallow them, as the dicks.

I am a medical prostitute.

2005-03-01T18:24:00.000-06:00

I donated plasma today. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot! Someone told me that the plasma center in Longview was giving $50 for first timers, a $30 mark-up from their usual $20. So, being the greedy, materialistic bastard that I am, I went down there and didn't ask how much for the plasma. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot.
So for 3 goddamn hours, I had a needle that was bigger than the normal drawing blood needle. On the top portion of my arm, they had a blood pressure cuff that every so often, would SQUEEZE MY FUCKING ARM in an effort to push more blood through the needle. Look here, motherfuckers, I got a needle jammed into a major vein. I don't need any help pumping blood into it.
That sumbitch squeezed so hard and so long, that after it was done, my entire right arm was completely numb for an hour afterwards. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do anything with a numb right arm? My right arm is my jack off arm!
And I do all of this so you don't have too. If somebody ever tells you to donate plasma, kick them square in the nuts if they're a man. If they're a woman, slap them right across the face and tell them to fuck off.
"Oh, but Adam, this will help save someone's life! This is very admirable of you, despite you doing it for all the wrong reasons." Hey, fuck you. My arm stills hurts and I think my kidneys and liver have given up all chance at life because I drank a Dr. Pepper like an hour after donating.
That's it, I'm never donating blood or plasma again. And you know what happens if I don't donate on Thursday? They throw my shit away. I may just not show up. Fuck you if it's bastardly, it's my plasma, and my $35.

Uwe Boll: Germany's answer to Roger Corman.

2005-02-18T14:42:00.000-06:00

Why are there no decent movies coming out on my birthday? Instead of decent flicks, like the new Tommy Lee Jones movie or "Robots," I get shitfests like "Ring Two" and "Ice Princess," which is some feel-good Disney fantasy starring Michelle Trachtenburg and Kim Cattrall, who was the slutty, VD-infected one from the feminist "Sex in the City." Somehow, I missed how 4 women fucking their way through all the available men in the greater New York City is supposed to make women this force to reckoned with in terms of feminism, but then again, I have a penis and girls have a vagina.
And that's not to say I wasn't a fan of this show. I loved it. The only porn my father bought willingly. I sat through 6 goddamn seasons of an HBO show that was never a good idea on paper, let alone on celluloid. The most I got out of this show is the tired argument that men can fuck around all we want too, while women have to be prudes or their known as whores and sluts. And this show is supposed to teach them otherwise? I watched this show and thought to myself, "well, now I know who's easy in L.A. and will spread their legs at the drop of a hat." And other men who watched it probably thought something like, "hey, if I tell women I watch this show, they'll fuck me!"
Somehow I don't think that's the message the creators were going for.
And I skipped "Family Guy" last night to watch "House of the Dead." Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, is why. Everytime I watch it, I wonder two things: one, why the fuck am I watching this pile of vomitious excrement? And two, who the fuck is goddamn retarded enough to actually think that their are a group of islands outside of SEATTLE FUCKING WASHINGTON that have been named the San Juan islands?
These are not people I have a lot of confidence in. I sat and watched it for like, the 3rd time last night, and thought to myself, "OK, this is Clint Howard in it. If that's not a sign to stay the fuck away from this movie, and I use that word loosely, then I dunno what is."
At point, this black girl with the dick-sucking lips is talking to a male model, who's face has been burned away by an acid-spitting zombie. Yeah, I can't make this up, no amount of drugs could bring this sight to my eyes. And so the guy is like, "are you doing this for me?" 'Cause the girl was doing the whole romantic thing that for some reason, still happens when you're in times of crisis. And her reply is, "I'm doing this for me."
Which to me seems slightly...rude. I'd be like, "hey bitch, which one of us has a goddamn hole in the middle of his fucking cheek? That's right, me. Why not drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up and put those DSL's to good use? The big-tittied bitch with the tie-down shirt is too busy getting ready for good ol' ex-sex."
Of course, that's just me. I'm different.

Video and shitty programming killed the radio star.

2005-02-15T12:42:00.000-06:00

I was born in 1982, one year after MTV, a.k.a Music Television (nobody ever said this channel was original and creative), was introduced to the world. Therefore, I am a member of the MTV generation, which sucks, if you ask me. I don't completely hate the channel, it's had some decent, not great mind you, decent programming on throughout its 20-odd year run. "Beavis & Butthead," "Daria," and a very select few of the reality shows they've run into the ground are the only ones I can think of.
I find it ironic that when this channel was created, and its general idea was to show music videos, it came at a time in which there were literally very few videos to show.
Fast forward a few years, and musicians are realizing the best way to be seen and heard is on MTV, and now more and more musicians are producing videos.
In fact, for MTV, from it's 1981 inception to about 1988, MTV was the pinnacle of what it set out too be. "Old School MTV," as it were, was cutting edge, it was harsh, it was creative and bold and daring! It was created to show the Establishment of television that there was a new wave of producers and execs, a wave that wanted to show the kids music. Loud, abusive tunes, which was also ironic, since the only videos they had in 1981 were Duran Duran and Rod Stewart, wherein loud and abusive tunes weren't the norm.
But by the time 1989 rolled around, MTV had become what it is today, and that is a soft, bland teeny-bopper's image of the whore that is the music industry. It began to become filled with insipid programming, boring veejays that were always dressed to the nines in swimsuits, sandals and no shirts if they were men. The women were in bikinis, or very little else. The videos were no longer picked by the lovers of rock or rap, but by the pretty, rich, white surburban that mostly hailed from Long Island, because the videos made by the Beastie Boys and NKOTB spoke to them and helped them get through the rough patch in their life, the rough patch being mommy and daddy taking away their allowance after the little bastard child called up some 1-900 number so they could hear the recorded voices of the pop stars they so desperately wanted to be like. Never mind the fact that they owned 80 albums by the same group, they needed to hear those recorded voices.
I can agree to the fact that music can help through rough patches in one's life, but these people never knew true hardship. It's an insult and a slap in the face to those that truly know shitty times to claim that N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys helped some Manhattan-ite teeny-bopping cunt through some tough time.
In 1989, MTV became more about what they thought was hip and cool TV shows. The reason being was because by this time, 8 years since conception, anybody who watched MTV was considered cool, and the coveted table in the cafeteria was always filled with the kids who had seen the latest Micheal Jackson video or had seen Madonna simulate fucking in front of a shocked audience. Awards shows began popping up, as did original programming that involved game shows, reality shows, sitcoms, movies, and the occasional music video.
And since so many kids watched MTV, the music industry couldn't help but take notice. They had to follow suit in order to make the almighty buck. And unfortunately for some of us, that trend led to the boy bands and bubble gum pop princesses of today, even though that trend has worn off by a considerable amount in the past few years. Clones of each other and clones of an earlier generation of the pop idols, the one hit wonders who would never be seen or heard from again.
By the time 1993 had rolled around, MTV had become more television than music. It's said that they did this because they were in a downward spiral in the ratings, and as such, sold themselves to Viacom, a media super giant that owns Blockbuster, Nickelodeon, TNN, and Showtime, just to name a few of the channels. But one could say that MTV sold out (indirectly, really) to the TV Establishment that they originally never wanted to be like.
Now, I don't have a problem with them showing all TV shows and very little music videos, persay. Especially considering that they now have MTV2, which is strictly music videos. No, my problem with them having strict TV shows and very little music videos is that they take an idea, any decent idea, and run it into the ground. Don't believe me? I present the evidence to you in the form of each genre, wherein the title of the show that got the ball rolling, and the titles of the shows that are thinly-veiled carbon copies.
Reality Shows: "The Real World," a show that had 7 people living together in a house they could never fucking afford to show what happens when people stop being polite and start being real. "Road Rules," the same concept, only in a Winnebago, and they do wacky, exciting challenges that test the endurance and strength of the losers they picked. If you watch the shows, you'll notice that the residents living in the houses and the Winnie are pretty much the same stereotypes of the rich, white, surburban audience that watches the channel. Puck, from the Real World, and Pedro, also from the Real World, were the two most realistic people on either show.
"The Osbournes" begat "The Newlyweds," who begat "The Ashlee Simpson Show" who begat...you get the picture.
Hidden Camera Shows: "Buzzkill" was the grandfather of "Punk'd," which had such success, they now have a show called "Boiling Point," which is essence, the exact same show that "Buzzkill" was, albeit with a different title.
White People Acting Like They Can Dance, And They Really Can't: Pretty much the majority of their programming, even though one specific show got that ball rolling.
The hidden camera shows are the worst, since apparently, there's a group of people on this planet that enjoy watching people on hidden cameras. My friend Sarah said this could be a controversial post. I asked her why, but she said she didn't know. I know why. Because people don't like it when it's pointed out to them that they are nothing more thank fucking sheep, sheep who watch what they're told to watch, sheep that think it's still hip and cool to watch MTV. But it's not. Nowadays, the less MTV you watch, the cooler you are to the morons who watch the channel religiously. And it's not to say that MTV sucks complete and total ass.
I just really wish I weren't part of the MTV generation.

Our only hope for survival is to huddle together for warmth.

2005-02-09T13:37:00.000-06:00

There are cool ways to go meet the Good Lord. Then there are SHITTY ways to go meet the Good Lord. And by shitty, we're not just talking about pain. We're talking about suffering until your last breath. And by coolness, we're talking about ways that you still suffer until your last breath, but holy shit, you went out with a smile on your face. And either way you go, you'll have a story to tell when you get to Heaven or Hell, whichever you prefer. Like hitting an iceberg. In the Gulf of Mexico. And getting eaten by a shark.
THAT'S a fucking story my friends. So I've compiled the top 5 best ways to die and the top 5 worst ways to die.

BEST WAYS TO DIE:

5. Getting eaten by a grizzly bear that you've drunkenly thought you could beat up while out in the woods on a camping trip with your buddies that served as nothing but an excuse for massive amounts of drinking and blatant homo-erotic fondling that will lead to years worth of questions and an eventual trip to the mountaintop for them. The best part? You'll know first hand to the age old question, "do bears shit in the woods?"

4. Being killed by Darth Vader in a kick-ass lightsaber fight in which you will only become more powerful.

3. Going to Whataburger and eating 12 double cheeseburgers and washing all of that down with a few gallons of hot, black coffee and then holding all that in until you find a place with white shag carpeting and then you put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, painting the walls with your brains, as Tyler Durden would put it. Nothing but shit, piss, blood, and brains everywhere.

2. Falling from something really, really, really high up because doctors now say that you'll have a heart attack long before you hit bottom so you'll never have to worry about actually feeling your heart exploding, your vital organs becoming liquid shit, or every single one of your 206 bones breaking simultaneously.

1. The absolute best way to die is to be 80 years old and fucking a hot, 18 year old cheerleader so that when you die, you meet the Good Lord with a smile on your face.

Now, the worst ways to die was hard to come up with. I decided to add only 1 disease out of the probable millions of diseases that exist and that disease is Alzheimer's.

WORST WAYS TO DIE

5. Overdosing on some drug.

4. Drowning to death. You want that last breath that most people get and you can never get it.

3. Imagine not being able to recognize your loved ones. And not wondering who they are or what they're doing there, but just not knowing anything at all. It's not the worst way to die, but it's in the top 3.

2. Being smushed to death at a soccer game in England because in foreign countries don't ever pay attention to the number of people the stadiums can hold and let anybody in.

1. Being a supervillain or the henchman of the same supervillain who has been thwarted by James Bond. If you're the supervillain, you're at the last, crucial step in your quest for world dominance (which would suck, since if there's a problem, you're king of the fucking world and now, it's your problem to solve, whereas before, if there was a problem, the government of the country that had the problem solved it themselves), and James Bond comes in and beats the ever loving shit out of you BEFORE he kills you. If you're the henchman, it's just as worse. You can't fucking tell anybody you're a henchman for Blofeld or Goldfinger, cause when they hired you, you had to sign a secrecy clause. Meaning if you spoke about anything, the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads would play with you. And if you're killed by Bond, which is such a high possibility it's scary, nobody will know you're gone, which is fucking rude. All your henchman friends will be like, "where's Smitty? this is his bachelor party for christ sakes!" But since you're Smitty, you're dead.