Our only hope for survival is to huddle together for warmth.

There are cool ways to go meet the Good Lord. Then there are SHITTY ways to go meet the Good Lord. And by shitty, we're not just talking about pain. We're talking about suffering until your last breath. And by coolness, we're talking about ways that you still suffer until your last breath, but holy shit, you went out with a smile on your face. And either way you go, you'll have a story to tell when you get to Heaven or Hell, whichever you prefer. Like hitting an iceberg. In the Gulf of Mexico. And getting eaten by a shark.
THAT'S a fucking story my friends. So I've compiled the top 5 best ways to die and the top 5 worst ways to die.

BEST WAYS TO DIE:

5. Getting eaten by a grizzly bear that you've drunkenly thought you could beat up while out in the woods on a camping trip with your buddies that served as nothing but an excuse for massive amounts of drinking and blatant homo-erotic fondling that will lead to years worth of questions and an eventual trip to the mountaintop for them. The best part? You'll know first hand to the age old question, "do bears shit in the woods?"

4. Being killed by Darth Vader in a kick-ass lightsaber fight in which you will only become more powerful.

3. Going to Whataburger and eating 12 double cheeseburgers and washing all of that down with a few gallons of hot, black coffee and then holding all that in until you find a place with white shag carpeting and then you put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, painting the walls with your brains, as Tyler Durden would put it. Nothing but shit, piss, blood, and brains everywhere.

2. Falling from something really, really, really high up because doctors now say that you'll have a heart attack long before you hit bottom so you'll never have to worry about actually feeling your heart exploding, your vital organs becoming liquid shit, or every single one of your 206 bones breaking simultaneously.

1. The absolute best way to die is to be 80 years old and fucking a hot, 18 year old cheerleader so that when you die, you meet the Good Lord with a smile on your face.


Now, the worst ways to die was hard to come up with. I decided to add only 1 disease out of the probable millions of diseases that exist and that disease is Alzheimer's.

WORST WAYS TO DIE

5. Overdosing on some drug.

4. Drowning to death. You want that last breath that most people get and you can never get it.

3. Imagine not being able to recognize your loved ones. And not wondering who they are or what they're doing there, but just not knowing anything at all. It's not the worst way to die, but it's in the top 3.

2. Being smushed to death at a soccer game in England because in foreign countries don't ever pay attention to the number of people the stadiums can hold and let anybody in.

1. Being a supervillain or the henchman of the same supervillain who has been thwarted by James Bond. If you're the supervillain, you're at the last, crucial step in your quest for world dominance (which would suck, since if there's a problem, you're king of the fucking world and now, it's your problem to solve, whereas before, if there was a problem, the government of the country that had the problem solved it themselves), and James Bond comes in and beats the ever loving shit out of you BEFORE he kills you. If you're the henchman, it's just as worse. You can't fucking tell anybody you're a henchman for Blofeld or Goldfinger, cause when they hired you, you had to sign a secrecy clause. Meaning if you spoke about anything, the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads would play with you. And if you're killed by Bond, which is such a high possibility it's scary, nobody will know you're gone, which is fucking rude. All your henchman friends will be like, "where's Smitty? this is his bachelor party for christ sakes!" But since you're Smitty, you're dead.