Texas: Land to some of the coolest religious cults EVER.

So I was the DAMN (Dallas Morning News) the other day, and I read a story about a group of polygamists that live outside of El Dorado, Texas. I think polygamists is the proper word to use here, I'm not 100% sure. Essentially, the leader is wanted by the FBI for being, ostensibly, a Mormon. True, the church of Mormonism has "outlawed" polygamy since about 1890, but to the truly devout, that doesn't matter. The truly devout of any religion are the extremists of the religion of their choice. That's why we have suicide bombers and Fred Phelps.

But what got me was that apparently, if I'm remembering the gist of the story correctly, is that the leader of this sect is wanted by the FBI for having multiple wives, not for the usual things that someone of his ilk is wanted for. He's never gone without paying his taxes, he hasn't stockpiled an ass-load of guns. He's just interested in pussy, and lots of it.

Now the FBI and the government want to shut him down, all because this guy loves to fuck. Personally, I think since we're fucking around here, that they should also arrest Fred Phelps, since he's become more anti-American than the Dixie-fuck-Chicks.

I want to make sure I understand this, because I've had a lot to drink today, and drinking kills brain cells. You want to arrest the guy who might be a racist, and might have some children as his brides, and might be a sexual pervert with those aforementioned child-brides, and is most definitely a sexual Tyrannosaur because that's the way he practices his religion, as an extremely devout and old-school kinda guy. But you don't want to arrest the guy who pickets the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq, and the Holocaust museum in D.C. and is reported to have visited Saddam while he was in power and was a friend to him?

That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. You can speculate all you want to about Warren Jeffs and what goes on inside the ranch, but you will never know. Even if you manage to arrest him, and you question him, what makes you think you'll actually believe him? This is the U.S. government we're talking about here. A government that has a judicial system that only occasionally works. A government that has said to the world through its actions, "we want our law enforcement agencies and military to be run by gung-ho, George III-esque patriots because that will stop other nations we don't like from fucking with us!" Except it hasn't really worked, not yet.

I digress. Yeah, speculate all you want on Jeffs, we will probably NEVER know what goes on in there. Do you honestly think that even if the cops manage to somehow nab him, all his followers are gonna come out and say, "oh, thank God. He made me marry this young, nubile, incredibly sexual 15-year-old with the body of a cheerleading porn star." That's an extreme, but I still went with it.

Meanwhile, we know what Phelps does, because A) it's a matter of public record and B) HE'S VERY FUCKING OPEN ABOUT IT!!!! Son of a bitch, nobody outside of the WBC have probably seen Phelps in years, yet he still pops up like he's fucking Cheney. I'd crack the Lewis Black here, but I say fuck you. Phelps' church have NEVER been one to hide their activities. They show up and more annoying than PETA, but there they are. They don't bother hiding themselves.

It seems to me that if you're gonna grab one religious nutbar by the nuts and tell him what he can't do, why not grab Phelps and charge him with being insane and totally devoid of any humanity? Crimes against Humanity. It wouldn't hold in court, but it'd get him and his fucknut children off the street for a few minutes. I'm an all or nothing kinda guy, and it's this sort of bullshit that pisses me off. Let's say that Jeffs isn't even married to any children whatsoever. All of his brides are the legal age of consent in the United States, or older. Then what's the fucking problem with him being married to 70 women? That's 70 different ways he's gonna get nagged. Personally, I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze in this instance. 70 different pussies and the ability to have some kick-ass sex orgies versus getting nagged by 70 different women, all of whom probably are different cycle? Fuck you nigga, and your mother too. And if I picked anything up from health class, it's that when you put a lot of women together for a long amount of time in the same centralized location, they can actually start, and end, their periods at the same time. That is 70 different bloody tampons just lying around.

And that's fucking gross.

But yeah, we should get Phelps if we're going after this other son of a bitch. If not for those other reasons, than simply for the fact the citizens of El Dorado just don't really give a fuck. Meanwhile, in Kansas, NOBODY likes Phelps or his church.