Notes on the gift of an iPod.
The setting: the living room. The day, Christmas morning. The time, around 1030-ish.
1035 - Receive book on organized crime. Alright, now I can begin my criminal empire.
1036 - look at picture of Russian gangster beaten and left to freeze to death in Siberia. Wow, the Russians don't fuck around.
1037 - Open "big gift". It's a black iPod, the 30G kind. Wow, my parents must be Russian, 'cause they don't fuck around.
1100 - Realize quickly that, like a dumbass, I deleted all the good shit that got accidentally downloaded to the iTunes thing about a month ago. Fuck. Now I'm left with Jeff Foxworthy and JoDee Messina. Somebody call the Russians.
1105 - Still haven't figured out how to move what I did download on purpose onto my songs list.
1107 - nope.
1123 - nope.
1155 - nope.
12-2 - nope. Break for lunch.
230 - Think to myself, "why can't I just Harry Potter the songs and videos and movies I want onto the iPod?"
245 - iPod has been saying "do no disconnect" for almost a whole hour. If there were a record for this, I'd have beaten it 55 minutes and 57 seconds ago.
300 - read instruction booklet and see where it says, "for best battery performance, charge your iPod for 4 hours before use." Also read where it says that for best transfer possible, use a 2.0 USB port. Look at my USB port that is currently being used. It's 1.1. Shit, this may take awhile.
305 - By my math, it will take my iPod 4,139 years to update and upload properly. Also remember that I downed almost an entire bottle (read: "jug") of sour blue raspberry Schnapps by myself, so my math is being done in the land of borderline alcohol poisoning related death.
311 - tap out "Jingle Bells" on my iPod buttons. Quickly realize that this may be the only music I ever get to hear on my iPod.
312 - listen to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on my iPod. The lyrics sound like Jimmy Page recorded it in a cave. While underwater. While having a cock in his mouth, and having his cock worked on. Simultaneously. Is this because the battery isn't charged up all the way?
315 - No, to the previous question. Ask new question, "why does the iPod always say do not disconnect when I plug it into the computer?"
316 - poke the iPod with a stick. Finally, pop culture and man have come full circle. I have almost faithfully and completely recreated Stanley Kubrick's famous scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
317 - See that I can not only play games, but also download them too. Sweet.
318 - Try to figure out how to make the sound better and make the uploading faster. If anybody can help me, call me. 903-241-5576.
1035 - Receive book on organized crime. Alright, now I can begin my criminal empire.
1036 - look at picture of Russian gangster beaten and left to freeze to death in Siberia. Wow, the Russians don't fuck around.
1037 - Open "big gift". It's a black iPod, the 30G kind. Wow, my parents must be Russian, 'cause they don't fuck around.
1100 - Realize quickly that, like a dumbass, I deleted all the good shit that got accidentally downloaded to the iTunes thing about a month ago. Fuck. Now I'm left with Jeff Foxworthy and JoDee Messina. Somebody call the Russians.
1105 - Still haven't figured out how to move what I did download on purpose onto my songs list.
1107 - nope.
1123 - nope.
1155 - nope.
12-2 - nope. Break for lunch.
230 - Think to myself, "why can't I just Harry Potter the songs and videos and movies I want onto the iPod?"
245 - iPod has been saying "do no disconnect" for almost a whole hour. If there were a record for this, I'd have beaten it 55 minutes and 57 seconds ago.
300 - read instruction booklet and see where it says, "for best battery performance, charge your iPod for 4 hours before use." Also read where it says that for best transfer possible, use a 2.0 USB port. Look at my USB port that is currently being used. It's 1.1. Shit, this may take awhile.
305 - By my math, it will take my iPod 4,139 years to update and upload properly. Also remember that I downed almost an entire bottle (read: "jug") of sour blue raspberry Schnapps by myself, so my math is being done in the land of borderline alcohol poisoning related death.
311 - tap out "Jingle Bells" on my iPod buttons. Quickly realize that this may be the only music I ever get to hear on my iPod.
312 - listen to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on my iPod. The lyrics sound like Jimmy Page recorded it in a cave. While underwater. While having a cock in his mouth, and having his cock worked on. Simultaneously. Is this because the battery isn't charged up all the way?
315 - No, to the previous question. Ask new question, "why does the iPod always say do not disconnect when I plug it into the computer?"
316 - poke the iPod with a stick. Finally, pop culture and man have come full circle. I have almost faithfully and completely recreated Stanley Kubrick's famous scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
317 - See that I can not only play games, but also download them too. Sweet.
318 - Try to figure out how to make the sound better and make the uploading faster. If anybody can help me, call me. 903-241-5576.
posted by Adam at
2:26 PM
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