Dear Jack Thompson

I'm sorry you have a small penis. I can come up with no other explanation as to why you'd want to ban violent video games, music and other forms of media entertainment other than you having a small penis. I say this with authority, not because I have a small penis, but because, what other explanation is there, really? Not only have you unsuccessfully sued the makers of some incredibly, probably gratuitous, violent games, you also tried to sue the people who sent you, what? 10,000 free donuts? All because you made some kind of lame ultimatum that someone make a violent game where the makers get shot and killed, telling the world you'd pay 10 grand for something like that then pussed out like the fairy that you are, because it didn't meet requirements that you had in your head, but never let anyone else know?

Are you out of your fucking mind? Seriously. That's an honest-to-God question. Are you right the fuck out of that narrow-minded brain of yours? You tried to SUE somebody for having the balls and audacity to send you 10,000 fucking free donuts? Kiss my black ass, that's the best thing anyone on this planet could ever hope to recieve. Give me those 10,000 donuts, a week off from work and Halo 2, and you'd never hear from me, except when I made a Yoo-Hoo! run to the store.

Look, Jack, violent forms of media do not MAKE a person violent. They certainly might, I dunno, further muddy an already ignorant sense of what's fantasy and reality, but do you need to punish everybody for that? Answer: yes, apparently. I play violent games, listen to rap and love hardcore action movies. Am I violent? No. I may threaten someone with an ass kicking, but that's just to sound like a total badass. Kinda like listening to Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

"Are you a Mexi-can...or a Mexi-can't?!"

Sorry. I digress. But back on topic, my only reasoning for you wanting to cut short the fun of a generation of aimless, intelligent, non-motivated college students is because you have a small penis, a fledgling law practice, and the mindset of a Puritan. Why don't you and Fred Phelps get together and burn all sorts of violent trash? I say trash in the satirical form, don't get a hard-on, thinking I agree with you.

The reason you can't punish everyone for the actions of a few is because those few are like the biggest retards on the planet. Seriously. They probably play Halo 2 or some other online game and rant about how Bush is an evil zionist who should be strung up. And those people should be placed on an island, far away from people like my friends and I, who play violent games, and rant about Bush, but don't say he should be strung up, just removed from a place where the fate of a nation is in his hands. I mean, I'll give you that violent stuff can influence a person, but so can showtunes. Knowledge, after all is a dangerous thing. And the real test of knowledge isn't what you know, but how you use it.

Another reason you can't blame anybody except the perpetrators (in this case, the people who pick up the gun and pull the trigger) is because, well, they picked up the gun and pulled the trigger. Th violent game didn't hypnotize them, nor were they ignorant to the consequences of their actions. They CHOSE to do what they did, then decided that they didn't want to deal with the results. So they blamed their actions where they knew they could. And why did they know they could? Because people like you, people even more ignorant than they, told them they could use violent media as a scapegoat. You're ignorant because you aren't willing to listen to an opposing point of view. Oh, you act like you will, but you don't.

Because you have a small penis, and are so blinded by any kind of "let's blame someone other than the PARENTS! on the ills of our society" bandwagon, that you can't focus on a bigger issue: you're a dumbass. Notice how, in this entire letter, I've never actually threatened you with violence, but instead, called you a small-penis having motherfucker. By threatening you with violence, I might prove your point, but as I am Texan, you might find my threats slightly more believable. And I'll assume you'll find them to be more credible, considering that, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy, because we have the death penalty and we use it!

No, I'm verbally attacking you, because that way, you can see that a violent video game loving fool such as myself will NOT be intimidated or influenced by what I take in through my daily media doses. Case in point, I just finished watching Beerfest, the latest outing by the Broken Lizard guys. About halfway through, I decided that I wanted a frosty, tasty mug of Bavarian beer. Instead of going out and getting shitfaced, I went and bought a DVD. The Wizard, to be exact.

Oh, but it's other people that you have the problem with? Then take your problem TO THEM, you dumb fucknut. You and your self-righteous groups that pretend to be acting on the behalf of Americans, and want to regulate EVERYBODY'S lives seem to forget that part in these attacks. You want to get the kids who are young and impressionable and ignorant? Fine, have at it, Hoss. Just don't come busting down my door, taking my Halo 2, GTA: San Andreas, Black, Mortal Kombat, or any of my "violent" games. I'm 24-years-old, I can decide what I want to watch, read, listen to, or play. I'm sick and tired of you and your friends deciding what's best for me. You know what's best for me? You fucking off and leaving me and my friends the hell alone. We don't want, nay, we don't NEED you telling us what we should be watching, playing, jacking off too or playing, and do you know why? BECAUSE THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF AMERICA! WE HAVE THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE!

You take that freedom away, you might as well call yourselves a new wave of Nazis. Strap on a swastika, start shouting your rherotic and propaganda, 'cause here's some news: my friends and I, we don't back down. We will fight you tooth and nail to the end on this.

Of course, it might help if someone smarter than yourself was leading the campaign. Then, they'd see how futile it is all this bullshit is, and leave everyone the fuck alone. But until that day, enjoy beating off with the tweezers, you limp-dicked, small-minded, self-righteous Neo-Nazi.

With all the respect I can muster (which ain't much),

Adam Latham
Marshall, Texas

"You cuss too much." Fuck yeah, I do.

I use the word fuck so much, it's no longer a word, it's a comma. And holy fuck, I have met the DUMBEST person on the planet. I was telling her that I was electrocuted by a dryer.

Before I continue, you fuckers might be wondering why I'm suddenly writing. That's because I have found my muse. Her name is Lizzie, she lives in Omaha, she is #1 on my friends list. And I'm in love with her, so fuck off. She has inspired me to write, make porn and be the funniest, best stand up comedian ever. If she has inspired me to NOT kill myself, then I want to be around her for the rest of my natural born life.

But the other person. Holy shit. She asked me if I somehow blamed Bush on thwarting the terrorist attacks, because Democrats had said that he had set that up.

First of all, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? He wasn't on the Warren Commission, you dumb cunt. Secondly, only the dumbest of the Democrats would actually believe something like that. And not only do I think you're making that shit up because I never saw anything in the papers, I KNOW you're making that up. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN ANY PAPER!! EVER!!! And I do believe that if something like that had been said, every single newspaper on the planet would've published that story. They would've dropped the Dick Cheney shooting somebody story for THAT one.

Secondly, my answer to her query was, "of course. Bad Bush, thwarting the terrorists like you said you would. How dare you? You told them...to bring it the fuck on. And they did, and when they did, you stopped them. I thought you were going to let them blow us the fuck up and you didn't. Why?"

Apparently, sarcasm is lost on her. Let me explain that she is a student at ETBU, and is not only a Christian that enjoys being titty-fucked, she is also a die-hard Republican. And a die-hard Republican in the same vein as Elizabeth Hasslebeck. Which is to say, one who is Republican only because they share somewhat similar views, but aren't really educated as to what it means to affiliate yourself with a group of assholes. Neither one are actually Republican, they just say they are to be argumentative.

Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. How I found out she's dumb. I was telling her about having to hook a dryer and almost getting electrocuted. And she asks, "hair or clothes?"

I will repeat that.

I told her I had to hook up a dryer, and she asked "hair...or clothes?"

How many of you have EVER bought a hair dryer, opened it up and discovered, "oh fuck! we have to put this son of a bitch together!!!" Wait, what was that number? ZERO?!!?! Yeah. Somebody is not smart.

I worry about the gene pool I was sprung from.

I seriously do. The fact that my mother has been getting porn spam in her email box and is blaming me for that, is goddamn scary. Apparently, a long time ago, when I downloaded and used extensively Limewire, the computer at the house got a virus and we had to have it repaired. So now, I can't use IE under my name on the computer. Netscape will occasionally work, but it blocks out every single website after awhile.

So I use my mother's name, and she's just now noticing the spam porn.

"It says to reply, and I know what a reply is," she says after I tell her it's porn spam, not anything of actual worth.

"Well, alright, you got me there. Except that you can reply to ANY email. What the fuck do you want me to tell you?! That you're too goddamn stupid to be allowed to touch a keyboard?! IT'S NOT REAL! IT'S SPAM! I BET YOU GET EMAILS ON HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR PENIS, TOO! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED FILTERING YOUR FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS! USE THAT LUMP THREE FEET ABOVE YOUR ASS BEFORE YOU BLAME THIS STUPID CRAP ON ME!"

How can you blame the biggest nuisance on the web on some random person? Answer: welcome to my life, where my mother would rather blame somebody before doing the actual research because that's easier to do. Maybe this is why as a journalist, she sucks. As a teacher, she's A-number one, my man. As a journalist, she blows more than Paris Hilton.

And I have finally busted a nut inside a woman. I am man, hear me roar.

GIVE IT UP FOR KG, GIVE IT UP FOR ME!

Time to rock your fucking socks off.

And I thought Date Movie was uninspired and piss-poor. I was wrong.

So, I was right. I got suckered into seeing John Tucker Must Die. Lemme explain the shittiness of the movie, 1 week after the fact.

Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, 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shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty.

Shitty shitty.

I finally figured out how a guy can date 3 women at one time in the same school without any of them knowing: he dated girls from different cliques so they'd NEVER meet each other. Brilliant, isn't it? Simple, yet brilliant.

No, it's not! It's fucking stupid! I don't care what you say, you cannot ever date 3 high school girls at the same time in the same school! You wanna know why? BECAUSE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS ARE CATTY, CHATTY LITTLE BITCHES!!!! It's called 6 degrees of seperation! There's no fucking way in hell in any universe that this could happen. Let's mark off the girls, shall we? You have the head cheerleader, already the target of gossip by, well, everyone in that school. Then you're dating a smart girl who's doing all sorts of things for her college application. Surely everyone would notice that you're out with the overachiever. Oh, and the hot, slutty, slightly bi-sexual vegan that's surprised he's put his cock in any other woman. Oh, and he tells them they have to keep it secret because during basketball season, his dad doesn't want him dating. What the fuck does his dad think his son does on Friday and Saturday nights?

"Dad, the guys and I are going to go help out at the hospital."

"It's 9 p.m., and you're wearing Aramis cologne. HAVE FUN!"

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously. I would rather have you just shit in front of me and tell me it's Swiss chocolate, than have me try to believe this strained plot. I laughed not once during this crapola. Not. Once. I didn't laugh at the big food fight at the end, when everybody learned their lesson. I didn't laugh when they took pictures of John Tucker and then put them on those pre-movie advertisements saying he had herpes. I didn't laugh when they had him wear a thong so he could try to get into the heroine's pants. I didn't even laugh when the fat girl said she was a virgin, but it's not her fault that she has to use jumbo tampons because of heavy flow days, and she has a wide set vagina.

Oh wait, that was Mean Girls and I did laugh at that. The whole point of this movie was to convince us that the three dumbest fucking girls in a faux high school would and should plot revenge against a guy who cheated on all of them. When in reality, what they should have done is a) kill themselves for being stupider than Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Wendy combined (and that's a whole lot of stupid), because their children would probably be just as dumb as they are. Or b), cut the foreplay, taken an Uzi to class and fucking shot John Tucker. And let's be honest, after recent events, a school shooting is more believable than what these three twats did.

Now go get me some fucking jelly!

"You holding?"

In an effort to crack down on the rising problem of crystal meth, the Bush Administration is going to go after potheads and other smokers of cannabis with a burning, white-hot passion. This, they say, is because pot is a gateway drug. So, instead of going directly to the problem (crystal fuck meth), they're gonna go to the "cause" of the problem, which is apparently weed. Weed is not a gateway drug and if you think it is, I get to slap the living fuck out of you. Never have I smoked weed and then thought to myself, "you know what I really want? Not a fucking burrito or some chocolate, I really want some heroin. No, wait, make that crack! NO, WAIT!!! I WANT SOME ACID!! LSD! FUCK I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND, THERE'S TOO MANY DRUGS!!!!!!!"

I have seen the list of ingredients you need to make crystal meth, and I got news for you: it's surprisingly easy to get these things. Sudophedrine, red phosphorous and iodine crystals. If you can get your hands on those three things, you might as well start telling people you're a crystal meth dealer. The other ingredients are in such easy and ready supply, that it doesn't really fucking matter whether you have them on hand or not. Those ingredients I mentioned before are the ones various administrations have made harder to get through some tough legislation.

But here's my point: I can completely see why people want to SELL drugs. Getting hooked is one thing, but even with the possibility of life imprisonment, selling drugs is the biggest money-maker on the planet. Fuck off with the selling of stocks or being an oil baron. Every single drug on the planet requires minimal money to get you started. And by that, I mean that you can get started selling any drug you'd choose, and the initial costs would be from $100-300. That's a one-time cost, and your profits would be about, oh, quadruple what you spent.

So, instead of fucking around here on the wrong things, let's get the drug dealers through simple economics. I don't know how, but I know that'd stop the quote-unquote drug problem in America. You fuck with somebody's money, they'll stop doing whatever it is you want them to stop doing.